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placidPineapple1350
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PathStep 18 Compassion hearts31 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceApril 3, 2024
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Is my ex recreating me through someone else?!
Relationship Stress / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 September 17th, 2024
...See more i was engaged to someone back in 2016 and I ended things because I was tired of his narcissistic tendencies, broken promises , controlling and stalking behavior, and verbal abuse. I moved on from him quickly and got married to my best friend two years after leaving my ex. I recently found out through a mutual friend he finally married someone else and made their wedding to be almost exactly what ex and I planned ours to be, right down to her wearing a dress extremely similar to the one I purchased for our wedding. Same colors, same bridal party attire, and his bride wore my necklace that he had gifted to me as a birthday present and I had given it back when we broke up. He gifted it to her as a wedding gift. She is oddly very similar looking to me and we even have similar interests. He even recreated our engagement pictures with the same color palette for their outfits. Is this weird to anyone else or is it just me?! I wish I could have warned her, or at least told her she’s wearing his ex fiancés birthday present that was worn on a daily basis on her wedding day. Yikes.
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Partner prioritizing extended family over us
Relationship Stress / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 May 21st, 2024
...See more so we were invited to a wedding for a cousin of his that he sees maybe once a year or less. And when we do see this cousin, it’s usually at a family event and we have no relationship with this person and we don’t even talk to eachother. There is no relationship between us and this cousin, we were just invited because he is related to this cousin. Yea he came to our wedding but only to see my husband’s brother and not actually to visit with or celebrate us as he didn’t even speak to us or anything. This cousin has never been a part of our life and doesn’t acknowledge any major life events like the birth of our son, baby showers, or anything significant in life. Not even a text. We literally never speak. we were invited to the wedding and my husband wants to go but my son and I can’t go due to prior commitments. What I can’t understand for the life of me is why he is always willing to drop everything and bend over backwards for people who have nothing to do with him or his life. He has never had a real relationship with this cousin even growing up but he is upset about the possibility of not attending this wedding because he feels he will miss out on something because “everyone else is going.” I don’t understand why he has always been so willing to abandon me and our son to attend family functions for extended family we have no relationship with. This has happened before and I have tried to ask him questions about why he wants to go and he doesn’t have much of an answer. I have a ton of family in other states I never see and I don’t care to go to any events with them because they are basically strangers to me so I don’t understand why he feels the need to be so loyal and show up for people who don’t even try to have a relationship with him and leave his actual family behind to do so. has anyone else experienced this? What are some good things to ask him to help him reflect why it is he wants to go to these things so badly and why he would prioritize people who have nothing to do with him and don’t make an effort to be a part of his life when it matters. He said he would miss out on seeing his one cousin that he does have a relationship with, to which I offered taking a separate trip at another time to visit specifically them. But still he feels he’d regret not going and would miss out. But he would also miss out on time with his wife and son? Who I feel should be most important compared to a cousin he has no relationship with ?
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Letting go of the past
Relationship Stress / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 April 21st, 2024
...See more I’m someone who dwells on the past when it impacts my life or feelings significantly. I can’t seem to let certain things go. Like the forced (by parents at the time) ending of an important friendship and ways people have wronged me. I feel like I’m my waking like I’m ok and moved on, but it always resurfaces in dreams and then I’m stuck in my waking life trying to figure out my feelings. I don’t know what to do
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Supporting myself and my son on my own
Women's Issues / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 April 10th, 2024
...See more Hi So for the last 1.5 years I have been a stay at home mom and my husband has completely checked out of our marriage. No matter what I say or try to do, change doesn’t last and we are not in a good place. I’m getting my ducks in a row because it seems inevitable that I will need to replace his income myself in the event of a divorce. I’m wanting to keep my son out of daycare mostly because I live in an area where the nearest daycare is 40 miles from my house. I have no one I really trust to do at home daycare where I am either, and I’d just prefer to keep him with me. I’m racking my brain on ways I can make a livable wage from home or with my son around and I am not having much luck. I have tried flex jobs and every job website available. I’ve applied to so many jobs and I haven’t gotten any responses yet. I am taking college classes in ECE this summer and have applied to daycares as assistants but still nothing. I need to be able to support myself and my son, so I guess I’m just seeing if anyone who has been in a similar position has any helpful insight. I’d be up for starting a business (not mlm, not my thing) but I am so lost as to what kind of business I could do and how I could fit it to my life.
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Can’t let go of someone I haven’t seen in years
Relationship Stress / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 April 4th, 2024
...See more a little over 10 years ago, I was forced to walk away from someone who I really genuinely liked because they were two years younger than me and, since I was still living at home at the time, my parents felt I shouldn’t be spending time with someone younger than me. They didn’t want me to “ruin” this person even though I had never done anything to give them reason not to trust me and I was strictly just friends with this person. I continued to see them at work and we continued being friends through the summer of my senior year, and once school started back up things changed in my personal life and we never really saw eachother after that. This person was my best and only friend at the time and I was forced to let them go without explanation. fast forward to now, I’m in a failing marriage with someone else who has been emotionally unavailable for years and is not putting in any meaningful effort into the relationship. We’ve been tinkering around with the topic of divorce and the reasons he has given me on staying are because he is afraid to be alone and afraid of the unknown. Which is kind of hurtful in itself. I have get emotional neglect for years and I am quite frankly tired of feeling alone and unloved. occasionally I have run into this old friend and whenever we do see eachother, I’m always greeted with a warm smile and a hug as if no time has really passed between us. I have never stopped thinking about him and cheering him on from behind the scenes, and I still feel the same way I did about him over a decade ago even though our paths rarely cross anymore. No matter how hard I try to shove it down and dent it, I can’t push it away even when I want to. Just the mention of his name brings everything to the surface and I can’t figure out why I can’t move past someone who isn’t even a pet of my life much anymore. A few years back we talked briefly and I apologized for the way things had come to an end with us and he thanked me for the explanation and wanted to stay friends but we haven’t really seen eachother since. As far as I am aware he is still single and I am finding myself wondering if I should accept defeat in my many fruitless, one sided attempts to save my marriage and see what opportunities present themselves. it’s not like I haven’t tried to fix my marriage, but it’s pretty hard to do when the effort is one sided. I find myself wondering if I am really crazy enough to end what I do have, although it causes much heartache and leaves me feeling empty much of the time, to risk a chance of possibly reconnecting with this old friend. There’s no saying he’d even want to reconnect as friends or anything more than that. But I have never been able to fully let him go or come anywhere close to it. This person literally haunts me in my dreams and I suddenly am hearing the song he showed me and saved to my iPod everywhere I go. The song is yellow by Coldplay and I never got an actual reason as to why he played the song and saved it to my library for me. It is a love song but did it really have any meaning? I also am feeling undeserving of even speaking to him in a platonic way, and I don’t know how I’d ever be able to be around him or his family if I tried because I feel so unworthy even though they have only ever been kind to me. I just feel like I am used and he would deserve someone better than me. anyway. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m torn.
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I don’t know what to do anymore !!
Relationship Stress / by placidPineapple1350
Last post
 April 4th, 2024
...See more I have been married for a little over 5 years now to someone who has been my best friend for over a decade. I often find myself thinking we should have just stayed friends because there is no emotional connection between us beyond a friendship level. My husband does not seem interested or able to have a deep emotional connection beyond friendship and I have felt like my need for emotional connection has been neglected for years. He is a stonewaller and any time I have ever tried to have a meaningful conversation/discussion argument he completely shuts down and has nothing to say but “ok yeah” ect. He doesn’t have input to add to a conversation or discussion if it is anything intimate or personal. Like if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with any of your friends, he shuts down and won’t have that conversation with me. I’ve felt alone most of our marriage and have been physically alone a large portion of it as well due to his job. He has not cheated on me but he also does not put in effort into knowing me or having a relationship. We have always been more like roommates with occasional spells of good times. it all really started going downhill a few years ago and I have tried to be there for him through the personal issues that he was dealing with. He always claims he is content and satisfied for the most part in our relationship but I am always left feeling empty. We have tried different counseling options and he doesn’t add hardly anything to the conversation and does not follow through with putting in effort to keep the counseling going. He doesn’t do his share of the work. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. a little over a year ago we had a baby and he was working out of town. I had a very difficult delivery (almost called a code blue an hour after delivery from losing 3 liters of blood) and had to go into emergency surgery a week later for a retained palcenta and blood transfusions as I was entering heart failure from additional blood loss and not recovering from delivery. After that traumatic experience, I went through a log of postpartum mood issues and was really trying to tell him about it but he just would tell me “i must enjoy being this way/being mean/ect.” If I’d have a moment of breakdown during those first few months. I was begging for him to talk with me and have been for years. I have racked my brain on all kinds of ways to help him know how to make me feel loved and valued and anything I have tried has been fruitless. A few months after our son was born I told him I felt our marriage was heading towards a place we couldn’t come back from and I was concerned. A few months after that I mentioned a divorce which he then confessed he thought about divorce a few weeks after our son was born because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being a husband, dad and going to work full time. He didn’t ever say anything to me up until this point and claims it was just a thought but here we are over a year later from the time he first thought of divorce and there hasn’t been any meaningful improvement in our relationship. He has been going to therapy on his own and is in a fatherhood program and is becoming a better dad but there is no effort put into me. I could go on and on about how I feel but it all comes down to me being alone and feeling unloved, unknown and kind of pushed aside and forgotten. after trying everything I know of, there’s no real change and the asked for a divorce. Then he claims he doesn’t want a divorce and thought we were doing good ect. He talks me into staying and 4 months since then we are still in the same place. I told him I am no longer feeling the same way I felt about him and I didn’t know if i honestly could ever get that back. I have lost all of my respect for him in the process and I don’t see him as a husband and am no longer attracted to him in that sense. We filled out a questionnaire about our relationship and how we see it and when we compared answers, we were in two totally different worlds. I was honest and upfront about my hurt and he made it like it was mostly all fine and dandy. Which I don’t understand because we don’t live the life as he described it— both as a couple and individually so I don’t know how he thinks of it that way. When I asked himwhat a good reason to stay would be, he said he was afraid of the unknown and being alone. im in a tough spot because i honestly don’t know that I can ever recover from this and how hollow I have felt for so long going through this marriage with someone who stonewalls and is so emotionally unavailable. But I also feel sad leaving my best friend of a decade. I don’t know what to do. We are not in a healthy relationship and it seems we just can’t fix it. I feel like I’ll be seen as a failure and quitter if we do get a divorce and I don’t really feel deserving of someone else because I feel broken, empty and used. Not to mention hideous. He says staying in the remnants of our relationship is better than being alone but I’m not convinced. I find myself on the fence saying I deserve to feel loved and cherished and I deserve to have my needs for emotional connection met, but on the other side I am thinking are you really going to risk what you have now for the unknown? Like what if I give this all up just to be alone and single anyways. I don’t know what to do or how even to begin to figure it out. I have little help because my husband doesn’t say much about it. He is upset but he can’t seem to say things when words are needed.
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