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plumPerson8919
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceOctober 5, 2022
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Schizoaffective difficulty accepting my mental illness
7 Cups Online Therapy / by plumPerson8919
Last post
 October 8th, 2022
...See more I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (bipolar/schizophrenia), I'm having trouble accepting it and accepting that my past experiences were real, I keep tginking what if I made it up or not. It's hard to come to terms with. When I was younger I suffered from panic attacks. For instance we used to live opposite the school. And when I was at school if my dads car wasn't there I'd panic. Beleiving he had been in a car accident, I'd cry and walk laps around the school until he returned. Other times would be when my mum would go into the super market I'd panic and cry thinking she had been shot. It was so easy to beleibe what my brain was telling me. Growing up I suffered from emotional dysregulation this would cause me to get into fights with my family usually if something didn't go my way and I developed self harming tendencies along with this,and manipulative tendencies I had unstable patterns of behaviour and mood followed by periods of normal mood. Growing up I was quite obsessive over things and at times people when I was 26 I had my first psychotic episode where I beleived lady gaga was my twin flame I beleived I heard a calling in her music, so I responded to it. I began to experience intense triggers and my way of coping with this was to act out. In this case I posted alot of innapropriate content all over social media. It was scary. Yet nothing was going to stop me from getting my twin flame to notice me. My behaviour became more erratic and I ended up sleeping on the streets protesting my beleifs, during this time I was in a full blown psychotic mania, the delusions had taken over, I was hearing subliminal messages in all forms of music and media and had started beleiving I was God and communicating telepathically with Lady gaga. They were two seoerate beleifs however. The God beleif was isolating, I began talking in code trying to get people on board with me being God. I ended up creating a second Facebook account which was like a second identity, hear I posted alot of songs that I beleived held special meaning ect not long after creating this account I became depressed and isolated myself from everyone and even took time off work.
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