politeNest648 Member Profile

...See more I became friends with a guy who lived across the country and after a couple weeks of talking he bought me a plane ticket to come see him. He was a friend of my ex so I felt comfortable going. We had talked about having sex through text and such but a couple days before I went I asked him if he would be upset if nothing happened and he basically said he didn't care as long as I was comfortable. I even mentioned before that sex gives me anxiety. The first day I got there we were cuddling in bed and he kept touching me and I would just giggle, say nooo and pull his hand away. He kept making advances stating how badly he wanted me which I sorta took as a compliment. I just kept saying I'm not ready yet and trying to be light while telling him no instead of yelling. I do that every time I get put in a situation like this I just feel awkward being aggressive and such. At one point I think we were kissing but I can't quite remember but somehow he got on top of me and started touching me down there and I did the usual "nooo" and giggle and tried pushing his hand away but he wouldn't move. I can't tell if I am overdramatizing this as an unconscious way of creating a victim complex. I can't remember how hard I tried pushing his hand away but it definitely wasn't as hard as I could. He ended up stopping, I can't remember what made him, and said he hated himself. We then went out with his friends. We ended up having sex three times while I was there. Sex was something I did sort of want but I didn't care if it happened and I was trying my best to prevent it. I can't tell if I just had sex with him cause I felt like he wouldn't stop or if I'm just thinking that as another unconscious way of making myself a victim. I have a track record of having sex with people because I feel bad even though I don't necessarily want to. I know him touching me after saying no and trying to push his hand away is sexual assault but part of me still thinks that it is my fault cause I wasn't aggressive nor did I push him away as hard as I could. My friend told me that me having sex with him just so I wouldn't have to deal with him trying so hard constitutes as rape but I don't know. That is why I am writing this. Does that constitute as rape? What if I wanted it to happen but I can't remember. I just kind of went along with it which is my fault. I am also confused because it is not upsetting to me. Like I am not consumed by depression or feeling nasty because this happened which also makes me feel like I am being dramatic. And when I do get upset about it or keep thinking about it I just feel like I am trying to victimize myself. It also doesn't help that I don't want to go to the police. I just feel like I don't care that it happened and that confuses me because if it was sexual assault or rape then I should be upset. I guess I just need a second opinion about what happened to me so I don't feel like I am just making all of this up.

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