porkchopfusion Member Profile

...See more I don't know where to start. I dont know if this post will even help. I just know I'm in need of help and I don't know what else to do or where to go. I have no family. My SO tries his hardest but I can't talk to him about this. I fear he would never look at me the same way. I'm not the person my ex turned me into. But I also have no idea who I actually am. There's so much that happened to me in the 11 or so years my ex and I were "together." We started off as "fuck buddies," because I was 16, a freshman in HS and at this point in my life - no one had ever had a crush on me, no one had flirted with me - nothing. I had a small, stupid online relationship that had some phone sex but my only IRL sexual experience was this: a boy made out with me because a girl paid him to so they could make fun of me later & act like I was making it up. But he noticed me in a way nobody had at that point. And maybe I would seem more attractive if I could say I had sex and wasn't still a virgin. Stupid? Yeah, but, I was 16. I honestly don't know if he ever actually loved me. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't just some toy to play out his sickest fantasies on and he used my love for him to do it or if he just couldn't help his own problems. Either way, I didn't deserve the life he drug me through from the time I was 16 til I was 27-28. And it ruined me. I have C-PTSD. I have had multiple concussions that I'm sure have led to some kind of brain injury. I need help. I can't have a healthy sexual relationship with my SO.

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