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Hello everyone!
For starters, I'm a 30 and use she/her pronouns.
4 years ago I got in a relationship with who I thought was the one. Aaron* (32 years old male) started out as one of my friends from college. Even after our circle of friends all graduated, we still kept in touch. I didn't really interact with Aaron much until about a year after my divorce. I was very adamant about moving on with someone new because I just got out of an abusive marriage. Aaron had moved away to Tennessee and reached out to me on Instagram. We spoke regularly as just friends.
Sometimes, Aaron would make regular visits to my home state since he still had his family here. He would insist on catching up over some coffee or dinner. I would decline since I had a wall up from my previous marriage. He respected that and left me alone after I said "no." About late 2015, Aaron was visiting for the Holidays. I honestly don't know why, but I felt I was ready to go out on regular dates again. I felt like "Why not?" so I agree to meet Aaron for some dinner when he came down.
Once Aaron returned to TN, we began talking more and more and soon he asked me out and I became his girlfriend in mid-2016. The reason why I accepted to be his girlfriend despite being iffy and adamant about dating again was because while he was visiting and took me out on dates and spending time together, I felt different. I felt like this man was true to his feelings and his intentions with me. He treated me so nicely and like a human being. As I tore my wall down for him, I disclosed to him about my abusive marriage and why sometimes I had trouble being vulnerable. He was very understanding and told me "I promise to never ever hurt you like that." "I'll show you that I'm different." I felt very secure and happy.
The distance was not a big deal...then. We were two states away from each other. So we kept our relationship over the phone/text and we would see each other twice to three times a year, mostly during summer vacation/holidays. I met his family and friends. He met my family and friends and it all seemed perfect. I decided he was the one. I felt content and happy with the choice I made to let my wall down and open up to someone again despite having an abusive past.
Sometime during our relationship, Aaron had a childhood friend named Jessica who returned to TN from London. They were friends since elementary school and went their separate ways since she moved to London to pursue an education. I first found out about her when I noticed she would always be in Aaron's Facebook comments, Instgram comments/likes, and he would constantly like her photos. She was a very pretty blonde girl with blue eyes. Soon, the comments began getting a bit flirtatious and inappropriate, so I decided to bring it to Aaron's attention.
He told me who Jess was and that they knew each other since 4th grade elementary school and that she moved away afrer high school to go to London and she's returned home. He told me she was his best childhood friend and that he would never ever see her as anything more. She was like "a sister" to him and that he never saw her in a romantic way. I took those things at face value and kept it moving.
One day, while I was visitng TN, I went to a convention with Aaron. We were having so much fun, enjoying the shows and everything. We meet a few of his friends there. Later on, we bump into Jess. She happened to be at the convention and met me. This was the first time Aaron and Jess see each other in over 10 years. Jess was very friendly and nice to me. She respected boundaries. I'm not sure if she did that because she really respected me or because I was present. I often wondered how it would be different had I not been there. Subconciously, I saw her as a fly. A fly that needed to be swatted immediately. Aaron would pay more attention to Jess while I was there. I was not very happy.
At Aaron's apartment we began arguing about the ordeal. He told me to please stop being insecure. Jess is just a friend and nothing more. When I bring up the things that he said and did, he told me to not take it personally and dont worry about it. He said "If we don't have trust, we don't have anything." He told me to "Please trust him" I agreed. Maybe I saw her as a threat because she seemed to be better than me at everything. This girl was shorter than I was, blonde, blue eyed, slim, and was into Aaron's every hobby and interests, same sports teams, same TV shows, etc.. Compared to me, Jess would be a better match for Aaron. And that made me super insecure.
I log in to Facebook one night and I see a post that Aaron was tagged in. It was both of their vehicles together. They both had a Lexus ES vehicle, same color and everything, so it was sort of their thing. I became enraged. I called Aaron immediately and asked him what was the meaning of that. He asked me "What picture?" I go to look for it and he was no longer tagged. Jess' profile was private. How could he not know what he was talking about if he commented on the photo "Hell yeah"? He lied to me. I couldn't believe Aaron was hanging out (possibly) alone with Jess at 1:30am! That was not right. But Aaron was so good at gaslighting he convinced me that it was my imagination. Unbelievable.
I couldn't believe I was losing the man of my dreams to Jess, the perfect woman. I refused to believe it. So I spent the next 6 months fighting over a relationship that was practically over. The final 6 months of our relationship were the most chaotic yet. That same year of the photo, Aaron did not have a holiday vacation planned this year (odd...), so I planned it myself. I booked us a holiday vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC for Christmas and New Years. I essentially paid $3,000 to spend time by myself in a cabin. During the trip, Aaron became "sick", stayed in bed and refused to spend time with me since he was too sick to move. No New Years kiss. Nothing. When we went our separate ways at the airport, he didnt even hug me goodbye. I hugged him and kissed him but he seemed unbothered.
As time went by I was losing him more and more. The phone calls became less. The texting became less. He claimed to be "too busy at work" Yet he would always be on Facebook. Tagging Jess in memes and videos. Jess this, Jess that. Jess look at this. Jess look at that. It was neurotic. I was competing with this girl and I was losing. I refused to accept that she was gradually replacing me. I wanted to squash her like a bug so she would get out of the picture. I would always ask "Why did she have to come from London to ruin my life?"
Aaron said he would come down for my graduation. I was getting my Bachelor's degree and he said he would come down to see me graduate. The day comes. I gave him the address and everything to the venue. He does not show up. I call him and ask when he was coming. He said "Listen, I have to tell you something." "Truth is, I no longer have the same feelings I had for you before. I've been seeing Jessica for almost a year now. I realized that she's a better fit for me and she was the one that got away. Now that she's back, I don't want to let her go. We were made for each other. Also, she's physically closer to me. You live too far from me and you've let yourself go. You don't look like the girl I met before. You stopped taking care of yourself. I know it's a dick move, and I'm sorry. But you deserve better. I can't stop pretending anymore. I hope you have a nice life. Goodbye"
Let's just say I walked across the stage with mascara running down my face. I was completely devastated. I let down my wall for more pain to happen. I regret the choice I made. I was angry. I felt defeated and ugly and like a total loser. The love of my life chose someone else over me. I "let myself go" because I got into an accident the year before. I injured my right knee and excercising hasn't been easy. So I stopped working out and gained about 25 pounds. Since the breakup, which happened almost three years ago, I haven't been able to move on.
I gained even more weight due to my depression. Eating is my vice. I refuse to do harmful things like dr*gs or dr*nk. I'm very well brought up and never believed in any of that. I think about the situation every day. To rub salt in the wound, they announced their engagement earlier this year. I found out because a mutual friend on Facebook liked his public post about it. I decided to block them so I wouldn't see what they were up to anymore. I can't believe the love of my life walked away and chose another girl over me. I just can't believe it.
It's been almost three years and I'm still not over it. I haven't dated since. I'm back to the life I had before Aaron. With a wall up and refusing to let any guys in. Men have walked in and out of my life and promised me the moon and the stars if I got with them. I adamantly said no and kept it moving. I lost my ability to love and trust someone again. Because the last time I trusted, I got hurt.
Earlier today, I came upon the realization that living like that won't be helpful for me, since I'm 30 and not getting any younger. I can't live the rest of my life without love and partnership. I don't want to be an old lady still bitter and resentful and alone.
How can I restore my self-worth over being left for someone else? More than being heartbroken and devastated, I feel ugly and insecure because someone else chose another woman over me.
How can I trust and love someone again? How can I trust someone's words? I'm afraid to get hurt like Aaron and my ex husband did.
Any comments, criticism (yes, I do admit sometimes I need a slap in the face), and input would be greatly appreciated.
