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proactiveClementine2515
230 M Embraced 2
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceNovember 17, 2021
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Binging and sport
Eating Disorder Support / by proactiveClementine2515
Last post
 December 11th, 2021
...See more Hello fellow bingers! Sorry, terrible first line but I'm trying to keep this post on a lighter side... My relationship with my body were always weird, I never loved it much, I tried dieting but it never led to anything serious. Until I moved to Japan and, well, something snapped. It started with terrible restricting and unhealthy amount of at home cardio workouts which led to binge episodes and the cycle continued for a very long time. I got better over time, stopped counting calories, started exercising smarter (and switched to weight lifting) but my body issues never really went away. And never did my ED thoughts. I always had those thoughts in the back of my head saying that I should loose weight and eat less. That I should skip meals. I went vegan a couple of months ago and I actually lost a bit of weight at first and my mind fixated on it as if it was a good thing. While another part of my mind was telling me it wasn't - I was loosing hard gained muscles! So I've decided to go on a bulk - basically eating more than my body burns so I can gain more muscle mass. But usually that means gaining fat along with it, and I am terrified. And I guess all those conflicting thoughts inside my head got to me and I've started binging again... Which led to me restricting. And binging. And hating myself for it. I am 164 cm and 57 kg, I have a partner who tells me my body is gorgeous. I preach body acceptance and body positivity and I find people of all sizes and shapes attractive. In fact my partner is big and tall and far from skinny. And yet, all of my principles shutter when it comes to my own body. The thing is I don't even know how I want my body to look. Sometimes it seems like I just hate it no matter how much it weights. I want to be strong and muscular but also skinny and small. So here's that. If you've read so far, I'm sending you some virtual hugs because you deserve it. Thank you for listening to me.
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