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purpleOcean3814
1 727 M Little Steps
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts42 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes24 Current upvotes24 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJune 19, 2024
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I need advice
General Support / by purpleOcean3814
Last post
 August 31st, 2024
...See more I posted a little about this in the trauma thread, but I’m a little at a loss here because there are so many questions I have that I just need a new post entirely. Ever since my sister and I were young, we have played role-playing games, like being Harry and Hermione and going on adventures, etc. My sister and I had very hard childhoods — narcissistic father, sick mother with Lupus and Bipolar, neglected, parentification — so this was our way with escape, but sadly, we are now 21, obsessed with Attack On Titan, and still do it. A part of me is sort of like “who cares?!? People play DnD all the time!” Since it makes me happy sometimes, but another of part of me feels so disgusting and like throwing up and running away. I know this is about to get worse and I’m sorry, but the reason why I feel so disgusting is that, a few months ago, I remembered something from my childhood: that, when we were young, while we played these games, we dry-humped each other. After a month or so as a kid, I pushed her off and she did it anyways, and remembering that hasn’t made anything the same. We stopped after that, but it haunted me for awhile after I remembered it recently. Thanks to the trauma chat, her and I talked about it and I’m healing. We were neglected kids, our parents never taught us anything about anything, so how would we have known? Remembering it makes me cry sometimes, as that memory taints so many, but I’m getting there. But, now, after expressing that I want to stop roleplaying, we still do because a part of me really enjoys it. Nothing bad happens or anything: we just chit-chat as the characters. But, I can’t help but have that little part of me go, “that’s weird. You are 21 years old and still doing this. Grow up, get a life, and run away.” so, I don’t know what the heck to do. Her and I both have terrible anxiety and depression. She has moved to college recently, but I still see her everyday because I commute there daily (last semester and can’t dorm 😭, but she’s in a 6 year program so she’ll be there awhile). And, both of us want to roleplay but don’t because of her roomates (I’d die if anyone ever found out). we are trying to wane out of it (she agreed!) by only roleplaying during the weekends when she’s home and will stop on Halloween for good, but, guys, I feel like this whole role playing thing and getting assaulted and all of that is going to eat at me the rest of my life. I haven’t told ANYONE but her and this post. I’m scared to ever get a partner bc then I’d have to tell them (or else it would eat at me!) and who would love me after that?!? And I don’t think I’d ever tell a therapist either. so I just need advice on all of that thank you everyone and sorry
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I don’t even know how to deal with this
Trauma Support / by purpleOcean3814
Last post
 August 7th, 2024
...See more TW assault My twin sister and I have always been close, really close. We had a really hard childhood, honestly, but we have always stuck through it together. One thing that kept our minds off everything was playing games together, like where we pretended to be different characters from shows or movies and improved as them. We’ve been doing this our whole lives - we are currently 21. Recently, when I was on the train, I remembered something awful, like all of these memories hit me like a freight train. For about a month when we were ten, with clothes on, pretending to be characters making out, we humped. We didn’t know what sex was or anything like that, but the thought has made me want to throw up and die. I remember being ten, crying to my sister that I didn’t want to do it anymore, and her guilting me and telling me it wasn’t weird. I had to fully scream and push her off for her to get the hit. We hadn’t talked about it since. Over the past few months since I’ve remembered, I’ve grown to hate her. She’s always been emotionally manipulative, even my parents admitted so, where she keeps me emotionally hostage by ignoring me or screaming at me if I’m not exactly how she wants me to be. I’ve realized over the past few months how clingy she is. If I don’t hang out with her for one night, she’ll get very mad; or, if we hang out, and I’m not full of energy (I have an history of depression), she also gets mad. I don’t know what to do. This secret is killing me, and I know that everyone I know would hate me if they knew. But my twin and I have the same friends, live in the same house, etc. I can’t just dump her from my life, and she isn’t a bad person, so it’s not fair I hate her so much. I plucked up the courage to bring up this trauma last week, and, understandably, at first she seemed reluctant to talk about it. But, after I started sobbing, she said something weird and it just made me feel worse. “We had a hard childhood,” she said, “we needed each other.” And, I’ve never been more weirded out. that’s something you say to someone you’re hooking up with or using, not the sister you traumatized. It’s so weird. I can’t even deal with it anymore. I can’t go to therapy because my parents would have to know why, and they can never know
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