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quietKiwi4812
382 M Embraced 3
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceAugust 18, 2021
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Lonely and depressed
Depression Support / by quietKiwi4812
Last post
 August 18th, 2021
...See more I (20 M) am a third year engineering student from IIT Bombay, India. (Some background: I prepared for the IIT-JEE exam, cleared it with good rank, and got IIT Bombay as my college. Probably the proudest I ever was.) Back when I joined the college, I had many dreams and aspirations about my college life and the friends I would make for the rest of my life. I looked around and realised that there are lots of people around me: all of them were smart and confident, and all were amazing at some thing or the other. I, on the other hand, was mediocre in most of the things and was not so aware of what I liked and what I did not like. Within a few weeks of me joining the college, I started feeling low about myself and developed inferiority complex. I kept thinking about this: "I am not great at anything, people are so much better than me. Perhaps I don't deserve to be their friend." I have never had this feeling before. I started torturing myself over this. I had many plans about college: I would start gyming and get fit, I would make great friends with whom I can share everything, I would explore myself (interests, hobbies), I would have lots of fun, etc etc. But every time I tried to push myself to do something challenging, I would realise that people are so good at this and I am so bad at it. This would make me feel under-confident and depressed. My first year of college went like this. At the end of first year, I had only one friend or two, I hadn't done anything worth accomplishing, and I was feeling inferior all the time. Every now and then, I would cry over my situation. Then the pandemic happened and I had to go home. It has been 18 months since I have been home. When I look back at those 18 months, all I remember is: me sitting in my room feeling lonely and bored. All I do is this: I wake up, attend the classes (sometimes not even that), watch random videos on the internet for hours, complete some assignments if the deadline is today, and watch some TV, and go to sleep. I still feel the same inferiority that I felt the first day at college. I feel directionless and worthless. On the top of it, I have nobody to talk to about my feelings (I cannot tell this to my mom, because she will worry unnecessarily). Studies, academics do not interest me anymore. I do not like to do anything AT ALL. I just sit and let the day pass through. I have no purpose in my life left. I keep asking myself, "Where did I go wrong? What am I living for?" I feel depressed all day. I feel like doing nothing. Before college, I used to enjoy painting, playing piano and playing chess. But even my hobbies don't appeal to me anymore. PS. I know people have way bigger problems than mine but I thought it would be good to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are most welcome!!
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