quietLemon4739 Member Profile

...See more I'm not sure if this is the proper place for it, or if anyone will read this. I just want to type out what's happened somewhere. I've been depressed for a few years and isolated for a long time, it'll be close to a decade next year. I see no one in real life but family. I am on antidepressants and was in therapy. For further context, I do believe I'm neurodivergent which is why I miss...many red flags. I tried stepping outside of my comfort zone last year to make online friends. I met a couple through YT as we both were youtubers for a very niche game. Anytime I uploaded, they commented, when I needed someone, one of them was there. Someone was finally showering me with a lot of love, which at the time, I didn't know was love bombing. They brought me into a *** server with 2 other people. Eventually, they all fell out (I wasn't a part of the issue, I just watched it all unfold as the couple and 2 friends had a dispute against each other). The 2 friends abruptly cut off the couple. Something that brought me happiness, the friend group I had been praying for fell apart. My first time back out into the world, and things fall apart. Both sets of people go their separate ways, and understand what happened had nothing to do with me (it was over the game we played, so it didn't make sense for me to walk away at the time). Each party stated they're okay if I remained friends with the other pair. I'll admit, I was desperate and still lonely, trying to cling on to having someone just be there and reachable. I remain friends with everyone just separately, they're all aware of this. For the YT couple I mentioned, the girlfriend didn't take the cut-off that well. Her issues with the past 2 walking away eventually came out on me as well. She was afraid that the event would make me view her differently and in an effort to take her power back, she cut me off too - with ease. Before that there was a lot of passive aggressiveness leading up to it from her, and her ignoring me for days. I reached out to her to talk about it and she just immediately blocked me. Her boyfriend expressed to me that she's been through a lot of trauma and is likely punishing me for feeling like I didn't care about her. I've never experienced anything like that before, or being abruptly let go. Although I was hurt and confused, I let this one go because there was too much going on with them. (She eventually does come back to apologize but it was done in a very scary way, as she reached out on my reddit account, which I didn't tell her about. So, it was obvious that there had been some stalking going on. I turned her away and she deletes her acct, but continued to reach out to me through other accts, so I had to delete my own.) In a desperate attempt, I go back to the other 2 friends whom I still talked to (I still kept in touch throughout this entire time, so they weren't just a backup/filler friends). I tell them what happened and they support me and soothe me through being cut off. Months go by and I trauma bond with one of the 2 friends who fell out with the couple over what happened. I tell her about my fears and past struggles with being lonely. I really felt for this friend and also helped her through a lot of her suicidal thoughts for many, many nights. One morning at 5am, she messages me, saying she messed up. She basically acted out a plan to break up the couple by reaching out from an anonymous account to the girlfriend. She also harassed their YT channel from multiple accounts. The way the message was worded was like it came from me. I was also the last person they cut off and given how the message was worded with my mannerisms, it all pointed to me. I set a boundary that i didn't want to have to deal with this issue, so she needed to message them back and say it was her. I wanted no part in it. She agrees, sends the message, and apologizes to me. Weeks later she goes cold on me. She eventually messages me angry that I made her own up to what she did. She also made up scenarios about how she thought I would react in them, and I had to convince her otherwise that, that's not how I would. Basically, I was defending an imaginary version of myself about events that hadn't even happened. I swallow my pride and I apologize to save the friendship. I know, I wish I hadn't...but again, I am/was desperate after being alone for almost a decade. This level of toxicity wasn't exactly new to me as well, as I experienced it growing up. She abruptly cuts me off at the end of it, and blocks me on all platforms. I do believe both girls had cluster B personality disorders, which would explain a lot. This event has left me frozen and unable to move forward. I don't know how to forgive myself for not noticing red flags or not walking away sooner. Both girls played a lot of mental games, and it seemed like the intent was to share or spread their pain. As someone who was already struggling, they were successful. I'm just stuck and any help would be greatly appreciated.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Hello! My name is Melissa and I am a licensed psychologist, providing mental...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio