raerabbit2 Member Profile

...See more I can't stop obsessing over my ex. Especially when I'm home alone at night. This used to be my favorite time of day to unwind and pig out and surf the net/read/etc. I was perfectly content doing these things alone even when he was in my life. Now- I can't eat. Everything I see, hear, smell- reminds me of him in some way. It's a long story. We have a three year history of heartache and romance. He gave me a half assed confession Sunday about hanging out with a female coworker "friend." It was bullshit (the friend part). He knows that and I know him well enough that, too. But he would never fully admit to what was really going on and how he really felt. Huge fight- he wound up blocking me- we haven't spoken since Sunday. I missed work Monday and Tuesday throwing up over this. I found the coworker on social media and that was a mistake. She's so damn pretty and seems really cool. I can't get her face and name out of my head. And slowly but consistently I'm having gut wrenching realizations about certain moments in the past - what was REALLY going on- and it's torturous. I've sent him emails pleading because- idk- I guess I thought that if he could once be brutally honest I could quit obsessing and accept the truth of reality. Not a word back. I'm so angry and I'm so hurt and this most definitely taking an expensive toll on my mental and physical well being. I just want these thoughts to stop so I can move on. I want this lump out of my throat and these stinging tears out of the back of eyes constantly. I want to not walk around feeling like I was just punched in the gut every second. I want to stop wondering. Worst of all though, I still want him more than I want any of that. And that is probably what makes me the most furious and sick. There's no going back from here. But these thoughts- and how they affect me- it has to go. I can't live like this. So angry. So sad. Heartbroken. Full of heavy emptiness. Paranoid. Obsessed. I can't live like this. I won't live like this.

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