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ramblingways1108
149 M Embraced 1
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceNovember 21, 2021
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Boundaries in recovery
Family & Caregivers / by ramblingways1108
Last post
 March 16th, 2022
...See more I’m feeling so much anxiety over the relationship with my mom and idk how to get out of this feeling/rectify the situation, or who to ask or how to stop obsessing so I thought I’d make a post here. backstory I have bipolar 1, and have been in recovery from heroin addiction for coming up on 5 years now. My mental health i include in that recovery period, as that’s how long I’ve also been stable or at least without major episodes/functional. I live in the Midwest with my husband and his mom my MIL who has always been a second mom to me. My FIL passed last year suddenly from cancer. We have two kids- 5 years old, and 11 mo baby. over the past year, I started having issues with my stomach and started losing weight rapidly. Over the last 6 months I went from 188lbs to 121lbs. This seemed great at first til I realized something was wrong and it kept going. Anyway long story short I have a hiatal hernia which is like part of my stomach is stuck in my esophagus. Was most likely caused because I vomited so much during my pregnancy. But regardless I found out what was wrong and have been working with my doctors to fix it, no other things have changed in my life. the problem is, since I’ve started losing weight, my mom had started questions my sobriety. And at first I was patient and reassured her, offered proof of my drug screens from doctors even (I’m always at the doctors lately I have so much proof of sobriety at my disposal!!) but over the last couple weeks it has gotten much worse. My mom also has bipolar disorder, but will not take medication anymore. She insists she’s better without it, but her cycles are rampant and obvious to those around her. She will text me either in early morning, or middle of night when I’m asleep and say “we need to talk, I’m extremely worried.” “I’m so worried about the kids” or a variant of other messages about how she’s worried but won’t explain why. I’ve repeatedly tried to call, FaceTime, send her pictures of the kids and activities we’re doing- but over the past few weeks she won’t respond to texts unless to say she’s worried and we need to talk alone later so have my mil watch my kids. I spend time getting them settled and carve out the tiny bit of free time I have to call her, and she ignores it. The cycle repeats in the am or late night. Last week I finally got her on the phone and explained that I cannot take on her stress and anxiety- I understand her fears and have been extremely aware of of the damage my addiction had on my loved ones, even from across the country. So I tried to explain that I need boundaries- o want her to be able to trust that I can make the right decisions for myself and my children, I am not newly sober anymore and have been been a successful sober working mother over the past five years, and I’m very proud of myself for that. And though I understand her fears and anxiety, feeling that I constantly have to find ways to prove to my mother that I’m sober from 1500 miles away is more stress on me then I need. I asked her to please talk to her therapist about it, and promised I would send more pictures and talk more to reassure her, but asked that she remembers I have two small children and a full time job- the little time I have off I try to use to draw or garden or something healthy for myself. And that her constantly texting me that she wants to talk and then not answering is causing me a lot of stress that I’m having trouble with. she said she understood. She even apologized. But then she’s texted me at 4am the past two days saying “we need to talk asap I’m extremely worried” this time I was awake. I tried to call. She ignored it and texted “when you’re alone later we will talk” but won’t outright say it. I know why. But I’m never alone. This is my one day off that my older som is in school during day, so it’s the short time I have to draw or do something for myself. And all o can do is stress about her cryptic messages and worry about when she is going to finally decide to FaceTime me and watch her squint at the phone trying to find something in the background to prove that I am in fact getting high. Even though the endoscopy just proved why I’m losing weight. At first it was enough to just know that I am doing the right thing regardless. I tried to remind myself how long it will take for people to trust me. But this time it’s five years in. And she won’t stop texting me and then ignoring calls. Anytime I try to text her, it’s answered with another cryptic “I’m worried, we need to talk about a plan” a plan for what?! You haven’t even seen your new grandkid why do you think we need a plan for something ?! im considering blocking her, but only if after I can get her on the phone and explain again that this is causing me a lot of extra stress and that she please stop. But do I have the right to do that! We don’t have much of a relationship to begin with- I don’t know why it’s causing me so much stress to reAssure her always but it is and I can’t take it anymore. i don’t know. I just had to write this somewhere and get it out. She’s ignored all my attempts to call and get the conversation over with now. So I’m just sitting in my anxiety and really want to change my thoughts about this, redirect myself but I can’t find the way to do it.
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