randomp3rson Member Profile

Constantly being body shamed

Anxiety Support / by randomp3rson

October 19th, 2022

...See more It's weird. I know I am average-sized, but due to a past eating disorder and body dysmorphia, the way I feel about my physical appearance constantly changes. I have been slowly accepting myself. I briefly mentioned to my father I haven't been eating much- not because I was doing it on purpose, just I had little loss of appetite, and also having to meal prep for the week is difficult. I told him I didn't eat breakfast today and only ate icecream for lunch - as a retired doctor, I'd expect him to say something along the lines of "that's not healthy" or "you need to eat". But he said a very out-of-pocket remark. He said it was better than eating a lot b/c I wouldn't die since I have fat reserves. It was as if I was talking to a different person. My father knows I have struggled with bulimia, he had been relatively safe with his words and I think since he sees my newfound confidence, I can suddenly take everything he says about me. My mother is the same way. The other day she made a fat joke and today, I tried on a dress for a party and she praised me on how good it looked but also added a distasteful remark. I complained a little about maybe looking a little chubby from the side. And she added that if I "didn't eat for a week then I could probs lose the chubbiness". and when I called her out, she said "no, no you look beautiful. Those were your words not mine, I never said you were chubby". Yet, she still encouraged me not to eat for a week so I don't know the difference. See, if a stranger said a fat joke, it would hurt a bit but it wouldn't sting as much as the people who live with me and know about my struggles making the jokes.

School Stresses as a Highschooler

Anxiety Support / by randomp3rson

May 2nd, 2022

...See more Let me give a little background for everything to make sense. Ever since 5th grade, I have done well in school. I have gotten straight As since elementary. I am currently a junior in highschool and take some AP/advanced courses (not an overwhelming amount but still anxiety-inducing). In USA, junior year is the most important year of high school. There are AP tests, the SAT, and preparation to apply to university/college for senior year. As a result of never being a "problem child" and having always recieved good grades, this has just became an inherit expectation for my parents. For example, if a child is a bad student and happens to get A, their parents would probably overjoyed. Now say that this child is a good student, it is more shocking if they receive a C or below than an A. The bar is set higher. And not just for school. However, this also sets an implicit expectation of never being mediocre because if you fail, you will not have only let down yourself but have let your parents down as well. In all honesty, disappointing others impacts me greatly as I always follow rules and people like that I follow rules. I guess you could say I am a people-pleaser sometimes because of the fact that I do not want to disappoint anyone. Do not get me wrong though, I do not work hard only for my parents, but for myself as well. I feel proud of the outcomes and I like preserving for a goal. However, I must say that although I may do good in classes, I do have 2 weaknesses. One being standardized tests and the other being concentration. I do horrendous on the SAT and APlang practice tests. I can't get myself to focus to study either. Just thinking abt the tests make me anxious. Studying is difficult after a long day at school because I am usually exhausted. I also feel the school system does not help. How can someone, after 8 hours of school and waking up at 6am 5 days a week, do homework and study for class tests/quizzes, as well as do clubs and sports and find time to practice for the SAT and AP tests? It's just asking for someone to lose their mind. There is no time to do what you want. Not to mention, the school system is asking this out of 14 to 18 year olds. It's madness. I'm not suprised so many kids give up on school or have mental issues in the United States. But returning to my main point, I want to mention my parents are not villians. In fact, I live in a loving household and I think they pressure me because they want me to suffer less as an adult. They want me to live a comfortable life when I am older. However, I feel the way they go about helping me stresses me out more than encourage me. My mother may be sweet, but she can really get under my skin. She will notice I feel upset or stressed and nag me to tell her why. That is not that bad part.....the bad part is after. Afterwards, she will say something that will trigger me and make me go into a spiral. She is the type of person to say "find happiness" to someone who is depressed. She is someone who rubs your problems in your face unintentionally because she cannot relate. It is her way of helping but it does not help. My father is equally unhelpful. The second I have some sort of reaction due to stress he shuts me down immediately which only drives me more crazy. Like, I'll start crying and he will say "Why are you crying now?" as if I have no reason to be overwhelmed. He is more forceful with his approach. It is a sort of mindset of "stay strong". He tends to relate with my issues more than my mom but he is not really as supportive as I wish he would be. It feels he constantly invalidates my feelings despite us relating on the same problems. My APlang and AP spanish tests are about in a week. I'm stressed. I have not studied for any of them because due to my fatigue and anxiousness, I kept putting off. The other thing is I also do not feel it is big deal if I fail. I have A in the class, which will still look good on my transcript and the worst that can happen from failing the test is I don't get a credit for college which would be nice but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I feel much more confident on my Spanish test as I am a native speaker and I tend to do well on the practice exams. However, english is a completely different story. For the APlang test there is a multiple choice section and 3 essays which for each, you are given 40 minutes to write. I must remind you of my weaknesses: standardized tests and concentration. Any time we do the practice essays in class, I NEVER finish on time. The last multiple choice practice we did I got an F, which my mother especially noticed. Not to mention, I signed up for another SAT test on June 4th, which I have also not studied for. And on top of everything, as a first-gen student, I don't know ANYTHING about university. I asked my counselor at school many questions yet I still feel lost and my parents expect me to know what to do. It's just a lot at once. Today (saturday), I had to wake up early to go to a doctor appointment and I was already tired from the whole school week of waking up at 6am, so I took a very long nap after and then wasted my time on my phone. I feel I gravitate towards my phone when I am anxious. It is my way of putting things off, which later always bites me in the back. My parents spent the day asking for my phone and reminding me to pick colleges, that I had not studied for any of my exams, that I can't fail the AP exam because or else all my hard work would have been wasted, and criticized me for sleeping late. They are not wrong but what I need now in the critical moment is not a reminder of how catastrophic my life is in their eyes, but encouragement in a time I feel the most time. Them not saying anything at all would be better than anything they have said in regards to my life, honestly.

Im so dissappointed

Depression Support / by randomp3rson

January 8th, 2019

fml

Depression Support / by randomp3rson

October 5th, 2018

...See more Oh god. I don't get it anymore. First I thought if I lost a lot of weight, and became athletic, I would have a better life. WRONG. I have never been fat but I've always wanted to skinny. I look at myself in the mirror and can't buy clothes because I hate how I look. Then, I lost a lot of weight, but got an eating disorder, and then had to go to a program. Now I wanted to try to lose fat in a healthy way but now I'm eating a lot which I don't understand and can't stop. If I were an adult, I could get a nutritionist and find the healthy way to get how I want to look but I can't because my parents will only get nutritionist to get more knowledge on how to eat healthy, but I want to lose weight. I just don't know what to do to make myself happy anymore. I am doing good in school but feel stupid. Yesterday, my science teacher had an extra credit for a test and out of her 100 students who did it, I was the only one who got it right but I don't feel like it's an accomplishment. NOT JUST THAT. I HAVE SO MUCH STRESSiNG THINGS GOING ON AND I CAN'T HAVE SOMEONE TO FREAKING TALK TO. I can't get a therapist because my mom is trying to find one but the only ones she can find are for the end of October but I need a therapist right now. I can't find online therapist because I don't like that. I can't write to anyone. I can't talk here cuz literally no one responds so w.e. . I am also mad cuz I made goals for my life, and I've made some progress on my goals but feel like I'm getting no where. I CAN'T LIVE ANYMORE. IT's just so stupud. Everyday is a cycle. A stupif cycle that keeps goijg aroud and aroound . I am So Tired of this same shit; 0fjd i can't do it. I live like a robot. I just want to be happy BVUT I HATE MY LIFE. I FEEL FAT AND UGLY AND LONELY I HAVE BARELY ANY FUCKING FRIENDS. I WANT TO BE AN ADULT SO I CAN FINALLY LEAVE AND DO THINGS THE WAY I WANT!!! IF I WANT A NUTRITIoNIST, I CAN GET IT, IF I WANT HELP in SOMETHING, I CAN GET IT. BUT IN THE END, DEEP DOWN, I know nothing will change. Adult or not, I am just going to stay like this.

Society Sucks

Depression Support / by randomp3rson

November 25th, 2018

...See more I don't know if it's just me, but I am tired of hearing the same things: you will get better, this is only a moment in your life that you're struggling, think positively, blah blah. What I hate most is when people tell me: "that's just life". I don't want to believe my problems are "just life". Anyone can say that. I just want to see a real change in my life. I am tired of living in a cycle: wake up, go to school, run, homework, and do it again. It's just frustrating. I can't live like this. I just feel it's everyones fault. If no one would judge people, I wouldn't be so self concious. If social media, pretty skinny girls, and more didn't exsist I wouldn't have gotten an eating disorder months back. If people would actually try to make life exciting, I would wake up with a smile. If there wasn't so much pressure, I wouldn't have anxiety. If there wasn't so many competitive people I wouldn't feel worthless. I hate seeing people. I am just so done. I don't hate people. I do like some people but society in general, I blame for the way I am. I hate them. I hate society. So tired of everything! I want some real friends. I want to be skinner. I want to be able to shop for clothes without crying in the dressing room. I want to love myself. I want to feel worthy. I want to feel alive. Trust me, I've tried millions of times to turn my thoughts around and push through but sometimes it's so overwhelming. If only I were an adult to live life the way I wanted to...but even then, I don't think I could trust my mind. I just know I have so much potential but my mind is the biggest enemy in my life. It overcomes me almost everytime. I just want to be happy. That's literally all I want at this point but that seems so far out of my reach.

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