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ranmanuet1
181 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 16, 2019
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I have a fiance and my previous relationship or just stupid myself keeps ruining the relationship.
Relationship Stress / by ranmanuet1
Last post
 October 26th, 2022
...See more I have a fiance, the wedding is coming in the end of this year. I am scared, scared of if I ever be able to have any long term relationship for my life but I do want security, I want long term relationship till my life ends. I find myself keep having patterns of issue in my relationship: 1. distrust 2. communication skills etc. I think I am the major cause for drowning both us to my chaotic world. About us, my fiance and I are a Muslim couple and we believe in god and try to obey Allah. I am not that good believer and I doubt myself a lot but I see he has very strong faith in God and I don't think a guy believes in god sincerely can't go wrong much. I am aware that he is just a human like us, he does mistakes but his mistakes are quite minor. Whereas when I think of myself, I am not sure about it. About my previous relationship which lasted 8.5 years that affects greatly on my current relationship. My ex was very honest and cool guy in front of others. Yes, he was honest in some parts with me..but he was the most dishonest person when it comes to women and money. I left my country to be with him. At be beginning of our relationship, I realized several lies he did to me about his female friends. He got caught, I was ready to forgive him if he was honest about it and tried to work on it but he blamed it on me that I checked on his social media and felt I was invading his privacy. I felt strong for him and I am guessing I couldn't admit myself leaving him since I left my country for him, i think that's how we were able to last more than 8 years. Later on he kept looking for sex partners behind my back. He consistently lied about ladies. Didn't do any efforts other than deleting Facebook(pause the account) but not sure if he actually did. I caught them some and he said he doesn't remember so it didn't happen. I think I was crazy to deal with this man. I could not trust any of words from his mouth but I kept the relationship maybe because I felt if I quit then I don't deserve any long term relationship. I would be a loser. I don't know why I kept thinking this way and I still liked him. According to him, he IS still innocent despite of fact that I collected evidence and showed them to him several times. Almost to the point, I almost started to think that he didn't do anything but I am purely crazy even when I saw all those evidence of his messages and emails etc. I lived in insecurity until I met my current fiance. My fiance likes ladies...I can see that but whenever we have an issue with he and female friends because he is aware of my previous relationship and himself had been in the similar situation long time ago, he is trying extremely hard to show me to fix that issue. Although he claims that he doesn't like one of our mutual female friend in a romantic way , I judged him that he likes her based on his behaviour. He said understands why I felt that way and told me since he value our relationship more, he blocked her and showed all the screenshot of the conversation. I do really appreciate his efforts. He is a good man. But the issue is me...I can't let it go and it bugs him that I can't trust him even though my ex and he are different people. It drives me crazy. I don't want to think this way..and I don't want to hurt him. but I do believe more of his behaviour than his words...which already hurt my feelings..but I do see clearly he does the best efforts to fix the issue at the same time. I am aware we all have desire..I might feel interested in another guy while I am with him but I know myself I would behave and I know he behaves in front of other ladies but I just can't stand to see that he is drawn to other ladies. and I start to doubt him after seeing how he behave. It gives me extreme insecurity and I am super sensitive. I can't get over what my past relationship did to me. I think I am too damaged to start any relationship and I am afraid I don't deserve any love because how I feel and think. I don't even know there're any ways I can get over it. He is very determined we can get over it and think everything as one, consistently having a conversation exchange thoughts, it would eventually make us to the better place. But I can't see myself able to do that. I don't wanna lie to him ' i can do it'. and It hurts him and i see myself getting hurt and disappointed in myself hate myself hurting whom I love. and it would eventually make him tired and leave me.
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