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redWriter8873
63 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2023 Member sinceNovember 9, 2023
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Am I A Bad Person? Requesting help analyzing my person.
General Support / by redWriter8873
Last post
 November 10th, 2023
...See more Asking this because I genuinely have no idea how to do rational self-analysis and have no sense of emotional intelligence. I'm only really attached to about 5 people, 3 of which are immediate family members and 2 of which are the only real friends I've ever had. I feel incapable of emphasizing with anyone around me and while I love my little posse of 5, I barely understand them as people. I would have no problem killing or dying for them as they inherently are the only things that grant my existence purpose to my belief that life is a cosmic mistake. I care very little or at the very least very dully for others and find my default reaction to their stories and lives to be a passing reprieve from the apathy that makes up most of my days. I still feel emotions if that clarifies anything, I'm not trying to sound like an edgy teen discovering a hot topic for the first time. My reactions to horrific content, such as uncensored footage of dead Palestinian children with their skulls literally blown open and deer's evaporating before the all-consuming might of a freight train inspire about as much horror and shock in me as an ant causes a grizzly. These developments are not recent and have existed in me for as long as I can remember. I tried learning how to react when I realized that that was normal and thought "Oh no, you can't make your family sad." I taught myself how to cry when appropriate, i act angry when they do because they matter, they looked upon something inherently meaningless and ascribed value to it. But when behind closed doors, the tears fall away, the crafted anger evaporates, and the only thing left behind is the burning curiosity I feel in everything. I sit here, writing this post after seeing more dead children posted under the tweets of the Israeli government, and when viewing the empty skull of a child I was just fascinated by the intricacies of the human body instead of what most would consider the far more pressing concern. I feel as though I have let my people down and that is crushing. To clarify, as I said earlier, I only really care for my people, and I want to make them happy. I tried doing some research but didn't really get any consistent feedback, so I wanted to put it before a court of public opinion. Am I a bad person? Would revealing the scope of my apathetic tendencies hurt those I care about. Should I consider speaking with a therapist or would that hurt my family more.
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