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reliableJet418
835 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceAugust 7, 2017
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Mentally sexualised by my brother
Trauma Support / by reliableJet418
Last post
 December 5th, 2021
...See more I dont really know where to start... I'm going to tell this as a 13/14 year old, not the 35 year old as I am today, it gets confusing remembering traumas and trying to somewhat rationalise it as an adult, making excuses. But the truth is I felt what I felt then and it still has an impact on me today. Anyways... a bit of back story I am the youngest of 4 siblings, the oldest is a brother who is 18 years older than me. My parents had me when they were in their late 40s and 50s so my upbringing was more laxed compared to my other siblings. We come from quite a conservative background in regards to talking about sex.. it was never spoken about nor is it today. I was around the age of 13/14 a teenage girl going through puberty, my body was changing I was having thoughts and desires about boys and it was just an emotional, hormonal time for me, as you would expect. At that time the thought of sex was quite mysterious and intriguing for a teenager, I never spoke about it to others, I was quite a introverted child, but as expected it was on my mind. I would sometimes find myself flicking through the TV at night and land on a sex scene, and as a teenager is was highly intriguing. So this is where my trauma/discomfort comes in.. There would be nights where I couldn't sleep and I would either go downstairs or stay in my bedroom and flick through the TV. There would be nights when my older brother would come home late at night and walk in on me watching tv at 11/12 o'clock at night.. now bare in mind this is the 90s, we didn't have neflix to choose what to watch, we watched whatever was on the TV. So around 11/12 o'clock at night you would most likely find 18 rated movies, but also other non 18 rated stuff. Maybe it was my intention to watch these movies but maybe it wasn't, but either way I was a teenager and we will do whatever we want to do. One night he popped in, bare in mind he doesn't live us, but he has keys and comes and goes as he wishes.. It wasn't actually that late because I remember my parents were still awake and he popped upstairs to see what I was doing.. and I was watching tv in bed. I was watching a movie on Channel 5, now Channel 5 in the 90s was synonymous with airing what I can only describe as soft porn style movies late at night, and it wasn't late at night at this point.. now the brother walks in and sees that I was watching Channel 5 and makes a weird remake about " i know what your doing watching Channel 5" gives me a smirk and walks out.. now that made me feel really uncomfortable, and kinda embarrassed because I knew what he meant. I suppose I started to feel shame. Another incident was late at night and this time I was downstairs in the living room watching tv, my parents and other siblings where asleep.. I remember I was watching 8mm on TV, which I probably shouldn't have been, but there you go... teenagers!!! He came in and saw me and somehow made me feel really uncomfortable, something I've never felt from him.. it was quite sinister, the atmosphere was different and really unnerving. He was talking to me about drinking alcohol and going clubbing (which is quite taboo in my family), and I found it quite strange. He then proceeded to sit next to me and went on to say, you stay up at night to watch dirty movies dont you?.. which made me instantly feel really uncomfortable.. something in my body told me this was not good.. I got up straight away and ran to my bedroom and locked the door. I was really shaken by this experience, and I have never been able to feel comfortable around him ever since, even to this day. There have been other moments in my teenage years where he would tell me my jeans are too tight and I look like a slut, or that my friend was a slut and she sleeps around and that I would turn out like her. This brother is 18 years older than me, we have never had a relationship, he was married and had a child who was only 2 years younger than me.. he was more like a father figure than a sibling, so we didn't even have sibling banter. This whole Situation has made me feel really uncomfortable about being sexual with my partner, or even talking about it. When my husband brings up the topic of sex it takes me back to being 14 and feeling shame and dirty. Remembering his creepy smirk on his face. Till this day he still smiles like that and it angers me. I find him very manipulate as part of his character and I get frustrated that I have to go to family gatherings to see him. I am trying to figure out how to over come these feeling, to heal and move on and not let it affect my life and marriage. Any advise would be appreciated Thank you.
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