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A Narrative From a Fragile Mind 3/28/2005
the dark at the end of the tunnel
everyone always talks about
"the light at the end of the tunnel"
blah blah blah...
me,
i wish there was no end,
no light,
no tunnel...
for me,
i wish it all never began...
and as far as i remember,
i died in the middle of it...
"look out!!!!"
it was when i heard those words coming from geoff
sitting in the seat behind mine,
me the "front passenger", he the "rear passenger"...
he was right behind me.
i looked to my right.
i saw it coming.
it was halloween night, 31 oct 1990, 10:45 pm.
we were on our way out,
going to an obscure halloween party.
"obscure" i say, now,
because i wasn't clear on where exactly where we were going...
maybe more unclear now, 14 years later.
I'm thinking it was a party in Ardale
on Roseway.
memory tries to serve...
"look out!"
i hear that over and over in my mind.
i hear it
when i wake up,
when i try to sleep,
when i sit on my couch trying to watch t.v.,
when i try to drive,
when i pee,
when i eat,
when i try to nap,
when i try to read,
when i want to check my mail,
when i look out my front-door window,
when i answer the phone,
even when i try to think of leaving the house...
i hear it.
then i remember.
i heard it.
geoff shouted,
"look out!"
and i looked to my right.
i saw it coming...
it was
bright shiny chrome
bright shiny red
it honked at us, a loud droning groan
i then saw lights
bright shiny lights
and the chrome came closer
and closer
and there it was, in my face
then in my face
then in my face...
a loud...
CRASH.
METAL HITTING METAL.
FIBREGLASS BREAKING, SHATTERING.
WINDOWS GIVING WAY,
SPREADING THEIR TRANSPARENT GLORY WHEREVER DEEMED NECESSARY.
THERE IT WAS.
A HUGE RED AND DARK MANGLED TANGLE OF MESS.
IN THE DIM-LIT INTERSECTION... BESIDE THE GAS STATION.
THERE WE WERE.
OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT OUR LIVES HAD JUST ENDED.
FOR GOOD.
next thing i remember, i wake up...
i look over at keith.
he's looking back at me, apologising.
i black out again.
"hold on,
hold on,
we'll get you out...
just hold on...
what's your name???
talk to me,
no, don't sleep!
hey, listen,
stay awake!!!
talk to me, now...
what's your name???
hold on, don't move...
don't fall asleep!
hold on,
hold on!!!"
"look out!"
i heard it,
and i looked.
i saw it coming.
a big, bright, shiny firetruck
coming our way fast
it was coming, alright.
in that split second i saw it coming.
and it came.
i felt it.
it was like what i'd imagine
it would feel like
to hit a sidewalk after falling
50 stories.
IMPACT.
that's what i felt.
REFRACTED LIGHT.
ALL RED AND BLUE.
ALL RED AND LIGHT.
THE TASTE OF BLOOD.
THE FEELING THAT YOUR BRAIN IS IN YOUR NOSE.
A SICK IN THE GUT FEELING.
"HOLD ON, HOLD ON WE'LL GET YOU OUT.
DON'T MOVE,
NO! DON'T SLEEP!
HANG ON FOR ME OKAY?
HOLD ON,
HOLD ON."
"are you okay?...."
"geoff, are you there?"
"hey, are you alright?"
"answer me, geoff, are you okay????"
"hey, try not to move, okay?
they're getting us out...."
"don't move, okay?"
"geoff, don't answer me if it's too hard to speak, ok?"
"don't move, we'll be out soon, okay?"
"hey, geoff, are you cold?"
"don't worry, okay? we'll get out."
"are you okay geoff?"
"geoff?"
"ok...don't worry, they're cutting us out."
"don't worry, okay?"
"we're getting out i promise"
"just hold on."
"are you okay?"
"geoff?"
i plead.
he never answered me.
they say he died
"on impact"
that's weird.
i had the same impact.
he was right behind me.
we had the same impact.
his insides were "shredded" per the autopsy.
we were on the same side of the car,
both hit at the same time,
same intensity,
same horrible mess...
same impact.
he was obliterated.
i'm still walking.
14 years later, yes, i'm walking...
but not far.
i can't leave my house.
i can't drive.
i can't stop thinking about it.
i hear it.
"look out!"
i hear his voice.
i hear the crash.
i hear the paramedics.
i hear his mom crying in the hospital
at her first hearing the news.
i was only 18 years old when i died.
geoff, he was 23.
he was buried in the ground.
i'm buried in my medicated mind.
i am left to try to deal
with what is left of a dead reality.
i have to figure out what to make of
what's left me.
if we can die at any given second,
then what's the bother?
why try to have a "better life"
if you can't take it with you?
i'm left with a dilemma.
i've tried to live life to it's fullest,
but knowing that it could be over any second
also leaves me with a fear that leaves me
trying to understand the rest of the world-
watching from my front-door window,
and a paralyzing fear of leaving my home.
for geoff
20 oct 67 - 31 oct 1990
and for me
2 june 72 - 31 oct 1990
