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reservedBunny6508
681 M Embraced 5
PathStep 21 Compassion hearts33 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2022 Member sinceAugust 20, 2015
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Relapse and feeling stuck
Eating Disorder Support / by reservedBunny6508
Last post
 September 17th, 2015
...See more I'm in the midst of an ugly relapse after having been recovered for 7 years. I found myself in recovery before because I was pregnant and breast feeding two babies over the course of three solid years. Here recently I got really depressed, lost my appetite and one thing led to another.... I went back to my dietitian last week. She specializes in EDs and she told me that if I didn't turn things around pretty immediately that I would end up in residential treatment. She put me on a daily food plan that's more food then I eat in a week, forbid me to exercise and told my husband to throw the scale out. I'm terrified and although I'm eating more of a variety, I'm still not eating as I should. I still want to exercise, and still have been some, because I'm terrified of gaining weight. I'm at a lower weight than what my body usually likes to sit at, but I'm not yet underweight by doctor's standards. I feel stuck. I can't get myself motivated to change. I love my husband and I know it's hurting him, but I hate myself more than I love him, and I love him a lot! He is super supportive and so patient with my craziness. But that's not motivating me. Residential would suck because there's nothing in my state so I'd have to leave the state. I'd have to take off work and leave my husband and kids for at least 6 weeks, and it would be expensive, but not even that is motivating me to change. I've got a good life, why am I allowing this thing to wreck me? if anyone has any insights or suggestions, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
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Will I ever feel better?
Depression Support / by reservedBunny6508
Last post
 August 28th, 2015
...See more I've been going through a really dark depression. I had isolated to the point that no one knew how bad it was. I started cutting myself a lot, but managed to get into therapy about a month ago. My therapist got so concerned that he sent me to the hospital, where I was kept for four days. They've put me on meds, but they are not working yet. It's only been a week, so we will see. My husband locked up all of my SI tools, so I'm feeling pretty miserable with no way to "cope". I realize that cutting is completely unhealthy, but I almost feel like it's what's preventing me from contemplating suicide more seriously. I'm really tempted right now to go and buy some razors. The thought brings an immense amount of comfort, but is also scary because I'm afraid my therapist and husband will be really disappointed. I really like my therapist and feel like I can trust him. I guess I'm afraid he's just going to give up on me. I'm barely eating and have lost 15 lbs in the past month. I have a history of anorexia, but this is different because I don't feel like eating. I have no appetite. I'm finding no pleasure in anything that I usually like, and this morning for the first time in my 11 year marriage, found that I got no enjoyment out of sex. It's certainly not my husband..I just didn't want to feel that good, ya know? I don't feel like I deserve any happiness or pleasure, and have no motivation to try and force the issue. I've dealt with depression for years, but have never felt this low. I don't know what to do with myself. Stuff that would usually snap me out of a bad funk is not working. I've got a massive amount of support, but I just want to run from it all. I feel like I don't deserve support, as I'm feeling so incredibly self destructive and violent towards myself. I don't know where this is coming from. I feel like I should be able to snap myself out of it, because this just isn't like me...I'm starting to feel despair, because I feel like there are no options. My only string of hope is God, but I'm struggling to hold on. I'm resting in the hope that He is holding on to me. I'm just not sure how to shake the self-destructive bend I'm on... Im not sure what I need. Someone to understand. Someone to tell me that it will get better?
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