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Thursday Night Thoughts

Journals & Diaries / by roseme

October 13th, 2020

...See more I am so tired of not being enough. I'm good enough to talk to for a bit and suddenly never again, enough to briefly entertain, to fuck or have "fun" with. But not enough, not good enough, for anything more than that. I'm not this social, crazy, outgoing girl. I am not dainty and in need of saving. I am not small and fragile looking. I never have been. That's not what life allowed me to be. I have been broken and alone so I had to pull myself up, I had to save myself. I have been called "stocky" and "sturdy", "big-boned", too much. The people that called me those names must not have known how much they would stick with a 12-14 year old girl who had always felt bigger than other girls. To this day, years later, I look in the mirror and I see stocky and sturdy. Not anyone's type. Not what they want. I am so fucking tired of being left on delivered or read because they got bored of me. It always happens eventually. Because I am not this girl that goes out every night, the girl that is happy-go-lucky, fun to be around or an extended period of time, a girl that doesn't have to constantly fight herself. I have through shit and came out, but I came out with scars, wounds that many years later still hurt to touch and new ones that come out of nowhere that I had no idea I had. So yeah, I'm closed off, quiet, and for some dumb reason, I have become intimidating. That's usually people's first impression - intimidating. I don't understand why. I feel... like I am not going to find a guy that can handle my issues and stick with me while I work through them. That is okay with the fact that going out and partying isn't a big thing to me, sure it's fun but it's not huge. I have goals and aspirations that aren't going to drop out of the sky for me. The things I want to do, to be, doesn't really allow for me to slack off, so not I am not always able to go out even when I want to. I want someone who understands me. The one that I don't let out very often. I want someone who isn't looking for just a bit of entertainment for when they're bored and once they've had their fun, leave. I want someone who sees all the things that I hate about myself and loves them enough that it makes it a bit harder to hate them But I don't know or think I'll find a man like that because I am, all at once, too much and not enough

Thoughts From Thursday Night

Depression Support / by roseme

September 21st, 2020

...See more I am so tired of not being enough. I'm good enough to talk to for a bit and suddenly never again, enough to briefly entertain, to fuck or have "fun" with. But not enough, not good enough, for anything more than that. I'm not this social, crazy, outgoing girl. I am not dainty and in need of saving. I am not small and fragile looking. I never have been. That's not what life allowed me to be. I have been broken and alone so I had to pull myself up, I had to save myself. I have been called "stocky" and "sturdy", "big-boned", too much. The people that called me those names must not have known how much they would stick with a 12-14 year old girl who had always felt bigger than other girls. To this day, years later, I look in the mirror and I see stocky and sturdy. Not anyone's type. Not what they want. I am so fucking tired of being left on delivered or read because they got bored of me. It always happens eventually. Becuase I am not this girl that goes out every night, the girl that is happy-go-lucky, fun to be around or an extended period of time, a girl that doesn't have to constantly fight herself. I have through shit and came out, but I came out with scars, wounds that many years later still hurt to touch and new ones that come out of nowhere that I had no idea I had. So yeah, I'm closed off, quiet, and for some dumb reason, I have become intimidating. That's usually peoples first impression - intimidating. I don't understand why. I feel... like I am not going to find a guy that can handle my issues and stick with me while I work through them. That is okay with the fact that going out and partying isn't a big thing to me, sure it's fun but it's not huge. I have goals and aspirations that aren't going to drop out of the sky for me. The things I want to do, to be, doesn't really allow for me to slack off, so not I am not always able to go out even when I want to. I want someone who understands me. The one that I don't let out very often. I want someone who isn't looking for just a bit of entertainment for when they're bored and once they've had their fun, leave. I want someone who sees all the things that I hate about myself and loves them enough that it makes it a bit harder to hate them But I don't know or think I'll find a man like that because I am, all at once, too much and not enough

I Don't Know

Relationship Stress / by roseme

September 3rd, 2020

...See more I have never been in a relationship When I was 13 years old my younger sister passed away somewhat suddenly. Because of this I fear growing close to new people, fearing that I will grow close to them and love them and they will leave me like my sister did and I will once again be broken by it. Almost a year ago I met a boy. Truly the first one in my 20 years that I've wanted to share my thoughts and scars with. Seeing a notification from him or seeing him when it's possible, even for a few hours, is sometimes the only thing that makes me smile that day. We've never been more than friends, at his ask because of relationship problems that he has, but I can't get past the feelings that I've had for the last few months and I want to tell him. However... because of my relationship and intimacy issues, I can't physically get out the words of all the things that I want to tell him. I just wish that I could tell him, but at the same time I can't help but think that shoving those feelings down and ignoring them is the best. This boy is being deployed in a few months. And while I know that it is relatively safe, I can't help but fear the worst and I know that if we were to get into something more and he didn't come back it would feel just like my sister again, and I'm not sure I can survive another thing like that. It was bad enough the first time. Even now, when nothing has happened, just thinking about it makes my throat close and begin to panic. Along with that, I fear that, if the worst happens, I won't know it happened. I don't know what to do

As I Sit

Journals & Diaries / by roseme

September 15th, 2020

...See more As I sit here alone in this new bed of this new place... I wonder what it is like to have people. I have never had many friends and so have never been surrounded by people to whom I am a high choice. I know that I am not anyone's first choice to talk to, to be around. I know this. I wish it was different. I am so tired of being alone. Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen. I don't think I can let it happen, subconsciously. The whole ordeal with Kayleen left me with so many issues that I didn't know that I had relationship/intimacy issues until I met him. We both have problems I know, but I want to be able to let go of the fear that I have about relationships and letting people see that part of me. I wish I could throw out all my worries and tell him everything I'm feeling and thinking. But I physically cannot get those words out. When I think about what could be... I feel like I need to run away and retreat but on the other side... thinking about not having him makes my chest tight and my throat close. I don't want to lose him, but I don't really have much control over that... I know the stats of security he has, I know it's less dangerous now.. but still I think about the worst and begin to panic. I want to tell him so much, I want to tell him all of my fears and worries, but I haven't been able to see him in person since I realized any of this and this is not something I want to talk about over the phone... it can be taken so many ways. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the depression that keeps coming back. I'm tired of anxiety. I'm tired of not feeling like myself and being at war within myself. I'm tired of dealing with the repercussions of things I didn't choose to have happened.

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