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sar112
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PathStep 86 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2016 Member sinceNovember 15, 2015
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Will he come back? Was it his anxiety that caused us to break up?
Relationship Stress / by sar112
Last post
 December 15th, 2015
...See more I was with my ex for three years from when we were 16 up until we turned 19. We broke up after moving away to uni – we went to the same place originally and then when I decided it wasnt for me and moved back home, he didnt see a future after that so called it off. I then spent six years without him – three of which were spent in a long term relationship with another guy who I completely adored. However, throughout this period, including after the death of my Father in the earlier years, my ex was still in touch on and off wanting to meet up either as friends or as friends with benefits as happened on the odd occasion during the first 12 months after our break up. The latter occasions when we met – I was either with someone or was in a place where all I wanted at that point was a friendship nothing more. We are both 27 now, and last year there was a school reunion which we both attended. He approached me and put forward a very persuasive argument that he would literally do anything for us to give it another go – that he had thought of me like he had thought of no one else during all this time etc etc… Anyway to cut a long story short – we kissed and for two years since then we had been together and incredibly happy – or so I thought. Over the last two years we have talked about houses, kids names – basically just accepted the fact that we were soulmates and destined to spend the rest of our lives together. We had a trip to New York booked for this New Years and had both been talking about how excited we were to get away. Then, all of a sudden – just over a month ago and with no prior warning – he told me that he wanted to call it off. I have been in shock ever since. Just days before he was talking about Christmas and telling me how much he loved me, and now this? I feel totally broken and lied to. He suffers quite badly with anxiety (is permanently medicated) and I have read different things about the way it can affect peoples ability to love and deal with commitment. When we broke up he said he all of a sudden didnt see a future and I have heard nothing from him since (unless I have contacted him first - even then it has never being anything too hopeful though). He told me that he was scared and that my love for him became too much – that he couldnt be with someone who thought of him as their whole world in case he let them down (To put this into perspective – we live separately, I have a well paid high level job – I rely on him for nothing in that sense). He keeps saying that me contacting him is only convincing him that he has made the right decision. He has also said that if I am independent then to ‘go prove it. This has confused me more and made me hang onto hope in that - does he just want me to prove I can do without him before he comes back? He says he still loves and cares for me but doesnt want a relationship – but is this just all lies to save further hurt? On one occasion a couple of weeks ago he replied to one of my emails and suggested we go for a drink before Christmas. I told him that I only wanted to do this if he wanted to sort things out and try again – that he should take time to think before deciding. A few days later a mutual friend told me that my ex had suggested to him that he would be meeting me and so I felt hopeful at the prospect he might be starting to rethink – but then the day after he went back to not wanting to meet and no contact. I know I should move on and forget about him and I am doing as much as possible to do this – new flat, going out with friends more etc… but a big part of me still feels we are meant to be and I am hoping he will regret his decision. Just to put it into context – it seems it was a snap decision he made over a 2 day period and all of his friends were shocked he had done it – his best friend even tried to persuade him to rethink. Am I being ridiculous thinking that he will be in touch again at some point wanting to try again? Or because this is the second time this has happened now, do you think he will let sleeping dogs lie? I know that there was no ‘other woman involved in the decision making process here so that doesnt worry me, although the thought of him meeting someone new does so I am doing my best to avoid knowing what it is he is doing at the moment. If he were to come back then I would take some persuading to trust him again – but is there any chance of that happening now if he cant even bring himself to send a text to see if Im ok? Any help and advice would be really appreciated. Right now I just feel like Ive lost all hope of ever finding someone as perfect for me as he was and of being able to trust again. I know itll happen, but right now I just want to know whether hes likely to regret what hes done – just having an idea would be a huge comfort even though I know its no guarantee.
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Break up anxiety getting worse...
Relationship Stress / by sar112
Last post
 November 18th, 2015
...See more Three weeks ago, my long term boyfriend broke up with me completely out of nowhere. Two days prior we had been talking about Christmas - we had trips planned to New York and to the country for over the festive period - he had been talking about how much he was looking forward to these. The reasoning he gave was basically that he was scared and that due to his anxiety he couldn't deal with having someone else's happiness also be dependent upon him. For the last couple of years and up until recently we had always talked as though this was 'it', that we wanted a family etc etc... I just don't understand it at all? The most hurtful thing as well, is that not once has he contacted me since he did this despite saying he would. I was in touch with him a few times over the first week thinking he would realize what a stupid rash decision he had made and just trying to understand why. I'm not the only who was shocked - he had only mentioned it to his best friend the day before who told him he'd be stupid to end things as well but he went ahead and did it anyway. Since then his friend has been in relatively regular contact with me and has been a great support telling me what a fool he thinks he is. I'm just not sure where to go from here. He said when he did this that he still loves me, that his feelings are the same and wants me in his life but since I last contacted him just over a week ago, I haven't made any attempt to since and I've heard nothing. It's so hurtful and makes it feel as though he just doesn't care at all. I thought the longer we went with NC the easier it would get, but my anxiety seems to be getting worse thinking about why it is he hasn't even asked how I'm doing? I'm scared and just so confused. Is there any way to stop hoping that he'll be in touch/wanting to contact him and tell him what a fool he is when he isn't?
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