schuyline Member Profile

...See more I'm so basic it hurts. I'm a 21 year old college drop out. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a full-time job where I get to work with dogs 75% of the time. I see a pretty chill therapist every week or so. I live at home, pay no rent. I have student loan debt and medical bill debt, but it's not that outrageous yet. I have a car. I am not struggling anymore, to get what I need. I'm alive. I am whole. I should be happy. My lift used to suck, there's no denying that, but I like to stay positive and think of what's going on right now. And right now, in every technical way you look at it, my life is pretty alright. So why am I still so sad? Why can't I shake this idea of how miserable my life is? Why can't I stop self-medicating and self-harming? Why can't I let go of all the disordered thoughts and feelings? Why do I feel like I'm drowning? Why am I so depressed? Why is nothing working? On my 15th birthday I swore that if I was still alive by the time I was 21, I'd end it before I was 22. And now, with things going so much better than they had been going when I was 15, I am still preoccupied with the idea of dying. Of how it honestly doesn't matter that I keep trying. Because no matter what I do, or don't do, I'm miserable. I am lifeless and useless and of no value. I'm such a small thing, but I'm such a huge waste of space. It's all been for nothing, everything I've done. I need help, but I think I've always needed help. And in a way, I've always gotten the help I needed. And it's never worked. So why do I keep trying? And why does it always amount to nothing? I think I'm too tired to keep on playing this game. I think I might finally be done.

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