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secretHuman9408
1 156 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceOctober 6, 2024
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i'm losing myself.
Personality Disorders Support / by secretHuman9408
Last post
 October 12th, 2024
...See more Hello, I have been struggling for many years and I don't have the money or ability to see a psychiatrist. I need help to understand myself or what I am experiencing. I feel a huge emptiness inside me, and I get bored quickly, meaning my happiness is temporary. I have mood swings and get angry easily over trivial things. I find myself extremely sensitive and unable to accept anything, reaching a level of hatred and resentment. I am introverted and dislike social gatherings and people, but I find myself looking for others to be around because the feeling of loneliness is painful. I get very attached to the people I love, like my friends and my partner; I feel like I want them to be mine alone, as if I own them. Although I respect their personal space and know they have their own lives, I don't understand why I get angry or anxious when they are busy or not around. I feel like they don't want me, will leave me, or have lost interest in me. I find myself getting angry and judging them quickly, making hasty and wrong decisions, only to realize what I've done later and start to regret, blame myself, apologize, and feel guilty. The worst part is when my realization and apology come too late, after I've lost them. I begin to hate myself and harm myself, feeling like the world has stopped and I have destroyed everything! This situation keeps repeating, even when I promise myself I won’t do it again. I can't control myself; it feels like my mind is talking, and I feel like I'm dying slowly. I love them and am grateful for their presence in my life, and my feelings for them are genuine. But why do I do this to them and myself? Sometimes, I find myself repeating specific actions, checking them multiple times to ensure there are no mistakes so that I can be perfect and please those I love, so they won't leave me or get bored with me. I seek their attention and feel angry when they don’t pay attention to me, and I get scared when they suddenly become serious, leading to negative thoughts. I also experience feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-love, and low self-confidence, along with many strange things happening to me that I don’t fully understand. I have tried to talk about the main things that affect me. Please help me understand what is happening to me.
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