Hi I go by Neva, I didn't think people would be calling me SS for short...(anyone remember learning bout the SS/Nazi party?) its kinda awkward since I'm a huge nerd and love history, philosophy, Anthropology and the taboo as well, but I am NOT a fan of the SS.
SO um I have lots of colorful childhood trauma. Pretty Freudian stuff. Childhood to teenage neglect and abuse of nearly every kind. I personally find the emotional abuse to be the most lingering one. I was practically brainwashed into believing a different sort of reality. Then when it ended, I thought I'd end with it but I'm still here. Very confusing. The rug just keeps getting pulled out from under me and I have 0 stability besides living off tips from my online live adult entertainment career and that's not very stable at all. I'm afraid to leave the house, its hard to make friends, the only 2 friends I have are 4 hours away and the apartments there are too pricey. I'm with someone though, they are mentally ill too so its difficult but we manage to keep each other in check.
I can only explain the feelings of my childhood abuse as being not allowed to exist. "don't make those noises!" "don't hold a fork like that." "why are you afraid of eyedrops!?" "you're just being silly" "She's lying" "what do you mean, that never happened." "Why are you in the bathroom so long (with IBS FOR F****S SAKE!!!) stop looking in the mirror!" "stop being silly and vain!" "Stop looking in the window its so VAIN" "youre just looking in the mirror arent you" "SNV = Silly and vain" "Stop being so SNV" "You're just losing weight so that boy from school will like you" (My BMI then was way too low I could have had a heart attack.) ITS LIKE IM NOT ALLOWED TO EXIST, NOT FULLY. I WAS AN IMAGINED UP PERSONA AND THE WORLD WAS A DELUSION, AND OF COURSE, THERE WAS ISSUES ALL THE TIME WITH REALITY NOT BEING PARALLEL TO THE ONE HE WAS LIVING. My Dad.
Then Childhood neglect is having mum work all day to support 4 people AND be expected to make dinner and never sit down and never say no and never disagree and be compliant to this tyrant. I loved my mum I asked her to marry me...she said no. But shes with HIM and I saw him hurt her from the top of the stairs that night back when we lived 3000 miles away and he had just re-introduced himself to me.
He grabbed her arm, swinging round in her pink dress but not dancing. The garbage was knocked over and coffee grounds (ew) were on the floor. Why? I witnessed something then. Something that happens all the time. Nobody's business but theirs right? I had just moved into that house and I found the underpart of the bed very quickly.

Now my dad has apologized, then gone back to his reality and pretended not to, then apologized for real this time, then no actually not really it was my mum's fault? then again apologizing, and each time he crushed me, and my ability to function. I had made building blocks on the floor after digging out of a HOLE, and each time he would just kick those 4 or 5 "blocks" down to the ground, while other people are building castles and homes....I'm at least out of a hole. I look lazy, crazy or what? say it.
So reality being so perception based and changeable I find out that I love drugs. The "good" ones and the "bad" ones. I learned to love with drugs. They're all different. I more recently ended up hating myself if I did NOT do a certain chemical compound. balls! innit.
My dad cannot forgive himself now. I think. Cause he doesn't call me or harass me like he used to. He ends conversations, doesn't keep them running hours and hours. Totally mad. Last I heard he's in Moldova with his dad, my grandfather I never met. He's been socializing a lot...it's all new to me, good for him. I suppose, if I have to be not present in that reality he's spun up over there to be disturbed...then that's alright, really, but I will be sad.
Then mum's moving back to England green and pleasant after retiring this year.
I'm in the middle of the desert. Half my childhood and all my teenies and adult years were on the California Coast...I remember Penny Crayon and noddy on the telly. I don't think I want to go back. Maybe I do?
I'll get fucked up and tell you later.