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selfconfidentCucumber9875
1 445 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts45 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2026 Member sinceSeptember 9, 2025
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Need advice
Depression Support / by selfconfidentCucumber9875
Last post
 March 27th
...See more I want to be happy, I am an 18 year old male struggling to process a lifetime of trauma that I have masked. I have realized I havent been truly happy since the day I was born and the weight of my past is starting to cause a total system collapse. My life started in complete instability as I was born into poverty before my biological parents broke up and my mother eventually lost custody. My siblings and I were put into CPS and I went through a plethora of foster families before being assigned to an adoptive family at age 5. While my adoptive family cared for us they had significant flaws because my adoptive father had an old-school military mentality that was emotionally absent and focused on raising me to be a man while my adoptive mother presents as narcissistic and bipolar. Every other one of my siblings has ADHD and was tested but I was never tested because my mother said I didnt display any signs. I am professionally tested at a 138 IQ but I am also Level 1 ASD and ADHD and because my intelligence masked my developmental struggles I was never properly supported. This ability allowed me to simulate normalcy while the cost of that masking has been immense. I developed severe hyper-vigilance and sensory issues such as not being able to sleep without a blanket even when I am hot. My academic life is falling apart because I am falling behind in school and I cannot even force myself to study anymore despite knowing the consequences. I feel like no one understands me because my family and peers expect me to be normal and want to go to parties or be social but I physically and mentally cannot. I have absolutely no friends and it is hard for me to even stay in contact with my family through phone calls or messages even though I feel bad about it. I am all alone and I dont even care about my own birthday which makes me feel a deep sense of guilt that I am not the way they intended me to be. I struggle to maintain any long-term friendships and even with people I consider best friends I eventually grow apart. My social anxiety is severe and I find small talk logically impossible while having profound trust issues which were recently triggered by a relationship with an ex who has BPD and Bipolar. I realized I was being used as an emotional regulator for her while my own needs were ignored and I felt like a last resort only valuable for what I could provide. (I also just found out after cutting her off that she had been cheating on me). I have spent my life being the best I could for everyone else, even when it hurts me but I realized I am never nice to myself. I am in a constant state of survival mode and I feel like my life is falling apart despite my ability to see the patterns. If I’m being honest, ending things is a daily thought, and the reason I haven’t done so is the fact I feel like its selfish.. and I realize how much it’d hurt everyone else. How do I better cope with this alone?
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