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So where to start: I feel like existentialist thoughts have just taken over my life. It like started a year ago around December I remember when I just thought: What happens after death? I never was really religious despite my orthodox family but it was mostly because I never bothered to think about it. But now reality hit me, and I just rember spending the whole month of December and January researching for theories of life after death and whatnot, just to find a way to cope. It was just tiring. Around February-March the thought just lowered down, but never left. Thought still crossed me, and my mood did swing but it was more baseline. Same for april, honestly I don't remember much, I probably still had existential crisis but i like got used to it. In May I remember it came back and life just felt... Dull and futile for days and days. Then came around June, which was probably the best month as these feelings disappeared. But not really dissappear, I just got a big fat crush which j had no chance cause surprise surprise im gay, and instead of existential stuff it was me hyperventilating and spiraling over a guy. And honestly it was better than spiraling on life itself. July was the same but just... more out of touch and less grounded, it was summer break anyways and I didn't get to see that guy as much anymore so I couldnt keep my negative emotions on him... and it just feel like for me those bad emotions and hopelessness need a way to show up and make me go crazy. So I had to go back to spiraling over life since I had nowhere to do so. Obviously I don't want these at all, and ive just been telling myself "maybe its just adolescence and bound to happen, it will be alright" but its really not alright. Not at this point I think. In August I remember is started spiraling again and again, now not about death itself but something that leads to it, the passage of time. I get extremely nostalgic and it feels like grief, how moments that felt yesterday were months ago. Nostalgia, or just the time going by so furiously was really making me feel terrible. September school started, I was actually kind of optimistic, cause I got to see the guy again. Fast forward to November he blocked me on every social when he found out but whatever that's a problem for another time. As I was saying September I remember I almost had a breakdown, because reality clicked me that in three years I was going to graduate. A decade of school had passed. That was just insane to me. Moving in with October and November, they were fine I guess (or as I said I just got used to feeling existential anxiety constantly) But I had moments of novelty (like travelling and new tint crush!) , which of course me searching the internet for hours and hours knew that It was supposed to make time feel slower or smth? Ok Fast forward to December, first half was perfect. So perfect that rn im about to cry because of how fast it ended and how I wish to go back in time. When holidays started of course I kidn of lost a little sense, and I had a feeling that existentialism will hit me again obviously, since it was this exact period of time that started this whole mess. And it did, I didn't leave my house the whole last week (not because of existentialism specifically but just thought might be a detail to keep) but the last few days Idk its like a wave of enlightenment hit me and for some days existentialism didn't bother me that much, I developed this philosophy of observe the thought and don't entertain them. But it was so short lasting. School started (literally yesterday to be excact) and i woke up soon good even with like 4 hours of sleep. Fast forward to evening yesterday (like 11am before sleep) 3 hours before that existentialism was starting to creep in... but like strong and persistent. Until yesterday I actually broke down. Like full on ugly sob breaking down because of the pressure my mind does to me. I fried for like 30 minutes and went to sleep. Then woke up, this morning, and I was... neutral. I knew I was in a really fragile state and shouldn't think too much before it spirals again. The whole school day I was so lost and my friend noticed but I didn't say anything, except for the end of the day where I just told a fiend "yeah today I was so lost because I kind of had a problem but it was useless and I cried a little in me sleep" and she told me "aww its gonna be okay" and I greeted her and left. Anyways fast forward to now, I got back from my course... half bothered by thoughts. Not fully, just half enough to be bothering. But again, around like 9pm a wave of happiness hit me. I watched some spiritual tiktotks etc etc and I suddenly felt at the top of the world and optimistic etc etc, but it was really short lived and next hour im still at the state of emptiness. Now going to the point: my fear is this actually... not being "adolescence" (which probably isn't... but I hope its not that serious...) which leads to my BIGGEST fear which is this state of existentialsm being permanent. It has been going for a YEAR, when will it stop... I feel so hopeless at times, I don't knkw what to do. And yesterday me breaking down pushed the limit, it never go that serious, yesterday it was a breaking point. And I thought it would actually fix me a little! That yesterday I would wake up... awkward, then next week, slowly I would be feeling better and not ruminating over passage of time. But I highly doubt it will happen, if anything it'll just get worse. Anyways this is a massive block of incoherent stuff said, if you have any questions id be more than happy if you asked
