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then i was feeling really tired yesterday, and i felt like watching TV all day yesterday. a couple days ago, i felt really bothered by getting an email from previous employer about mailing my W2 tax form and how when she sent it out, it got returned back to sender. i identified that i had paranoid thougths about it, and I discussed it with my mom, and towards the end, i told her that im struggling with paranoia and i should just takes things at face value. that was earlier yesterday in teh aftternoon. i was spending serveral hours wathcing TV. I managed to finish some hw. initially i locked my door, but then i unlocked it and left the door open. I think my mom heard me unlock my door, as it makes a noise when i unlock it. As i was finishing up for the evening, i checked my email and i got a message that she mailed the W2 form along with some notes and pens that i left behind at the workplace. She only mentioned about sending it with pens and notes just today (she sent it yesterday afternoon, and i opened it last evening). Again I got paranoid thoughts (prbably bc i had a bad experience threre, and i felt weird why she was being so cordial about it). after i unlocked my door, my mom stopped by my room and said that " the doctor that offered you shadowing called your preivous employer" i freaked out and i told her immediately "i dont think you can make that claim. i dont know if they even talked. im sturggling with paranoia and im about to sleep. I dont really want to think about that possibility. I thought we already talked about it" she left and that night i couldnt sleep,, i was getting back flashbacks and paraoid thoughts, so i spent all ngith wathcing the show. i was abou to sleep around 3:30 am and my mom was like you need to sleep earlier. I thought that was an invitation from her to open up about what was bothering me, and i told her how im sturggling with paranoid thoughts and reitereated taht what she told me earler that evening really bothered me. i got really emotional and my brother heard us talking at 4 am. by then i twas 4 am. this morning, i got up late in the afternoon and i got more paranoia about what my mom said ealier. I felt anxiety that my opportunity to shadow might be set back because of potentially bad feedback from my preivous emplyer and i talked to my mom that i got really upset she even brought up that possibility. i got more and more upset when she said that it was my fault for not explaining the situation clearly to her and that it was my fault for even asking her help. she told me that im at fault for not telling her in more detail about the "return to sender" problem. She thought that they had sent a tax form to somewhere else and it got rejected. I told her, no she was trying to send it to my home address and it bounced back. and then she came down hard on me, and told me that my problem is wathcing tv and my online friendships. i literally deleted so many people off socials bc i realized some ties are just not worth keeiping and she pulls that low blow. and she told me that the fact that i lock my door is proof that im hiding from her and that locking my door is proof that im talking to people online . i was really upset that she jumps to conclusions like that. that doesnt help me feeling paranoia about the feeling that shes watching me. i told her, yea its not the best way for me self regulate, by binging on tv. i told her " you cant even accept the way that i try to self regulate, i feel really paranoid in the house. even me locking my door makes you think that im talking to people online. why am i so paranoid." i lost my shit and i tipped over some chairs.then my brother beat the shit out of me . i have a bruised knuckle and a welt on my hip bc he threw me down and across the tile floor. i lost my shit and we started to fight. my mom left the house to go outside,. then when i go back to my room, he starts to break shit everywhere, and then my mom comes back into the house and my brother doesn't say anything, so my mom thinks i did it. then i get super mad and i told him "wtf why did you did that . it wasnt me" and then he starts yelling "bc you do this all the time, its your fault. yea i broke shit bc im fucking mad" annd then i get so mad that he tried to set me up that i start to throw shit as well. and then we start to punch each other. when i go back to my room, he says he is calling the police. so i think he is, when i walk out , he tells me he lied, and he didn't . i lost my shit and i throw a glass jar at him and he gets cut. i yelled at all of them. "you guys fckn suck. why tf am i studying to get in when all you'll do is fck me over and turn me in. i can say goodbye to the scholarship" . i go back to my room and i hear my brother telling my dad to call the cops and 911 on me. and my dad mocks a call to 911 and laughts. i heard him saying "911, hello ? hello?" and then my brother says did you call. and then he says oh if i call 911 they will send someone over bc they have the address from call of origin. and then he laughs. i feel terrorized in my own house, and i feel like why do i feel so paranoid . my mom sulks and stone walls me when i try to set boundaries and gets affronted when she sees im not productive or when i tell her that i struggle. i literally told her that i struggle with paranoia and then she and my brother escalate things and threaten and terrorize me. all i did was i asked her for help, told her that some comment are not really helpful bc of my paranoia, lock and unlock my door and watch too much Tv. and now look what its become. an ongoing domestic violence where i constantly feel paranoia and terror when i try to self regulate. Bc my ability to self regulate is deemed unacceptable by her standards and its not good enough. they wanted me to go live with my aunt, but i told them "fck no. not when she turned a blind eye to me when i was younger" she basically didnt report what i told her and said i was overreacting when i told her that her mom beat the shit out of me. so no, i dont want to live with her. i can barely live with them, when they dangle that scholarship over me and threaten to take it away if dont do a good enought job at self regulating. fck this shit. i feel so shitty, if i get in by the time im 28, by the time i finish ill be 32 when i start looking for a job. i can say bye to even dating , just look at how unstable i feel. i just hope that by the time im 32, ill be in a better place. i hope i can make friends when im in school, but ill never trust the way i trusted people before. ill try to understand how to deal with famiy enmeshment on youtube counseling channels. the last therapist literally told me to not talk about anything i went throught to him and just cross my arms and pat mysel fon the shoulder. it helps a bit but i feel like my problems are so fckn much. and it comes from how my family, esp my mom, just doesn't want to admit or open up to how fckd up she is about trying to 'help me' my mom just keeps bringing me down, i can't unsee it. its just so fckd up. sorry that was a lot but i bascially got beat the shit out of by my brother and my mom playing mind games on me again, and hwaving my brother take her side. and that scholarship thing is so fcked up. ill use it but wtf are these games they are playing with me.
