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sensibleCup5309
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2016 Member sinceOctober 31, 2015
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I've had a rough life. I'd like to vent, but I also just do not know how to cope. I hope this is the right place to post.
Journals & Diaries / by sensibleCup5309
Last post
 December 7th, 2016
...See more I feel like my life has been one trauma after another. My father was very physically abusive to my mother and I. I have never developed that father daughter bond that I hear is so important. I also have PTSD from it, although that has improved :). At 15 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Just recently I have been diagnosed with OCD. I have tried so many medications throughout my life, but the side effects has been so terrible for me. I wish greatly that I could find a proper medication to help me. My grandmother who helped raise me was very religious. I remember her taking me out on the corner of the street to hold up signs to protest certain things... Growing up I always felt dirty. Like god was disappointed in me. I grew up with the fire and brimstone Christianity, which was pretty hard on the self esteem (I am no long religious). At 15 I was raped by my best friends brother. This boy started to tell the school he had slept with me. Instead of reporting it, I told everyone he was lying and making up stories. I knew that know one would believe the truth, and I just wanted it to go away. But my best friend didn't believe me when I said, "We never had sex." So she started to bully me. She stole my journal out of my locker and had another girl beat me up in the hallway. The end of my junior year I left home. I had no place to go so I lived in my car or with boys. Taking showers in the school locker room or the gym. I would finish class and then go straight to work. I didn't get to go to prom, because I couldn't afford a dress or get time off. I feel cheated. I was so extremely poor my entire life I never got to do anything. I enrolled in nursing school right after I graduated, because I wanted to do the "right thing in life". It was a crappy little community college, because even though I got good grades I still couldn't afford to go to a University. But still I was so excited. Unfortunately, nurses eat their young. I'm a perfect target. I'm short, shy and quiet. My nursing teacher singled me out. I got good grades, but she called me into her office one day and asked me if I had a learning disorder. She told me I could do better then B's and I should be ashamed of myself for not working harder. At the hospital she berated me so badly in front of one of my patients, the patient refused to let my teacher back in her room. In my last semester of nursing school I brought some complaints I had to the nursing director. The next day the director had a meeting with my class to discus the problems of the program. She told everyone that had problems with teachers or the school were pathetic and weak. She then brought my name up in front of the class. I broke down in front of everyone, but I held my ground and told her the problems were not with me. A few months last after graduating I become one of the only women to pass boards on the first try :) But I feel completely cheated of the "college experience". Instead of hanging out with friends I was working and studying again. I was in a nursing home telling a family that their mother died at the age of 22. I just wish I had more good memories between all the hardships. I've tried so hard to better myself and not be a victim by going to school and not falling into drugs to ease the pain. But I am so angry. A part of me feels like I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me in my life.
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