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sensibleEyes1254
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceFebruary 15, 2021
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I think my friend’s in an emotionally abusive relationship
Relationship Stress / by sensibleEyes1254
Last post
 February 20th, 2021
...See more Hi all - this is my first time using this app so apologies if I’m doing it all wrong! I’m hoping I can get some support and unbiased advice to help me support my friend, L(F30). She is wonderful and so kind, but sometimes this can be her downfall. Last Christmas (2019), L found out her girlfriend of 8 years, who lived with her, was cheating on her. This shattered her, and then the loneliness of lockdown, in comparison to always sharing her space with someone, really affected her. I drunkenly introduced her to M (F19) from my work, they hit it off, and very quickly fell into a relationship as lockdown struck again. She was really in a honeymoon phase initially and couldn’t believe someone that young and charming and pretty would want her so much. And she was happy and having fun so I thought what the heck, in spite of the age difference. But recently things have soured. M has picked off L’s friends one by one, with different reasons each time for hating them (me included). L loves her family but they don’t speak about feelings etc. So she is isolated. L enjoyed how M was decisive and took charge of what they did, but now she is controlled - M goes to parties at the weekend (illegally) and leaves L at home waiting up for her, and gets mad if she doesn’t text back but goes hours without texting L. She knows L struggles with anxiety and does things to trigger this. If L ever disagrees with her on anything, no matter how trivial, she says “I don’t think this is going to work out” and storms off so that L begs her to come back. She has all the power in the relationship, and has moved herself into L’s flat so she has no personal space. She gaslights her constantly and says she’s overreacting when she’s anxious over anything. These are just a few small examples. Last weekend, she went to a party with her ex and lied about it, and this weekend to a party with a girl she knows L knows has a crush on her, and lied about that too. When L was upset about it, she flew off the handle, refused to apologise, told her not to listen to her friends, and called her a jealous psycho in a series of very very angry voice notes that L said frightened her. She admitted she’s felt scared more than once when she goes in a rage and tries to avoid triggering this. But the problem is L loves her, and loves having her company around, especially in lockdown again. She’s also embarrassed to admit that she is overpowered by a girl 11 years younger than her, in her own home. So she got drunk, invited her back round to break the silence, and took the lecture. She messaged us this afternoon and said she felt embarrassed and stupid and that she overreacted, and it was her fault the plans were ruined. I can’t tell whether I’m biased, but I’ve been poring over resources all day on manipulation and emotional abuse and this situation ticks so many boxes. I’m really worried about my friend and I know she will push me away if she feels vulnerable or attacked. But i just can’t be complacent, and I worry about her so frequently it’s now affecting my mental health. Does this sound toxic? How can I help my friend without pushing her away? Any suggestions welcomed, and sorry this was so long! TL;DR: how can I help my friend in a potentially toxic relationship without pushing her away?
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