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My boyfriend (28M) and I(24F) are having a lot of issues. Lately, I think it's been my fault. I can't seem to move past anything. Basically we met in college, I really liked him, and he would message me calling me his queen and wanting to see me, but when we first got together, I would sleep over at his apartment and find his ex girlfriend's stuff in his shower and her love notes under his bed. He said they were separated. I was coming out of a really bad relationship where my previous partner treated me very poorly, so the idea of having someone who was really into me led me to look past that. Flash forward to maybe a month or 2 later, and I was sitting in his car with him telling me if I wanted to be with him I needed to wait and see if things were going to work out with him and his ex girlfriend. I was very invested into school at the time, and didn't really have time to mess around so I told him to fuck off and left. He continues to message me asking me what to get his (then girlfriend) ex for valentines day. He tries to reconnect again and I tell him to fuck off. His best friend messages me on social media and tells me I should stay away from him, and that I can do much better, but that he never saw his BFF happier than when he was with me. I don't like his best friend, he has a reputation of cheating on all of his girlfriend's, and I had seen it happen on band trips. Both of them talk about women like they are objects. His best friend also slept with his ex girlfriend, the same one I have to wait around for. Flash forward, we all go on a band trip to and he tries to reconnect with me. I let him, because I still have heavy feelings for him. We half ignore each other in pep band for awhile until we end up being over the anger and talk again. He claims he's split up with his ex and wants to be together, and that he should have been with me in the first place. I go to his place to talk to him and he kisses me as soon as I arrive and we talk all night. We start dating a few months later. During that time frame between us talking and dating he goes out of his way to tell me he only wants to be with me and that he's gonna prove it to me. We finally start dating, and we sleep together for the first time and say I love you. Everything is great. Two months later, I am playing on his tablet while he's at work, and find messages where he's been sexting someone from his hometown. He tells her he loves her, says sexy things, and says he was glad to see her. Apparently they met up one weekend when he went home. Not only is there that, but many many messages to other women in the window when we weren't dating but him claiming he only wants to be with me. He has been messaging her recently, including the night before while we were laying in bed together. I give him another chance like an idiot, because he claims they never actually met up and he just didn't believe we were actually going to be together so he didn't take it seriously. He says he's going to fix it and make me trust him again. We work through it, until we get to a stopping point where he seems to stop caring but I'm still torn up. Everytime I bring it up he says he doesn't know how to fix it and I'm never going to believe him anyways nor do I listen. I tell him that if he wants to make this work I need some more disclosure of who he's talking to. He tells me that's controlling and crazy and an invasion of his privacy and its not up to me to make that decision. He's probably right. I take his advice and try to take the nice things he says to heart. I'm in school and we have good nights when I study and watch him play video games. I stay. Flash forward to a new conversation, I want to go to grad school, he wants to go to doctoral school for music. He talks about wanting to leave to go play tours with bands. I tell him that's a great opportunity and couldn't hold him back, but that it would upset me for him to leave with the trust issues we have and I wasn't sure if we could make it work. We argue for a long time. His car breaks down, and while I help pay to get it fixed, I pick him up for lunch, and take him out to eat. He tells me he isn't sure if he can stay with me if I wasn't willing to follow him to DMA school. I go to class crying telling my friends that I'm not sure what to do because he told me he was going to make all this right and it felt like one thing after another. He and I talk, and we seem to work it out. We move on. We have some good days. He is very complimentary of me, and he makes meals for me. I appreciate that. It feels like he's trying. Then, we start having intimacy issues. I want to sleep with him, he isn't in the mood often. It would be weeks in-between sleeping with him. He is the first person I've ever slept with. At this point I feel like I'm lying to myself trying to pretend he's even still attracted to me with everything going on, or maybe I'm just not good in bed. We sit down and have a conversation. He says he can't change for me. Thats just how he is. I bring up the other women, how he never says anything like that to me. He ignores that. We have some other issues, where he defends his family when I point out that they aren't treating him fairly, he defends his best friend when I say I don't respect his character and feel like he's taking advantage of him. I am frustrated but I try to let it go. I settle for limited intimacy. I bring it up every now and then, to no prevail. We move on. I stop being "naggy" and tell myself this is what I wanted. He is again, very complimentary of me, he thinks I'm funny, he makes me meals and tells me he loves me all the time. I say it back, and make an effort to compliment him as well. Its been almost 3 years in March. Things have gotten better. We are still talking about all of this, but we finally got to a place where I think he noticed I was ready to leave, and we have since talked through all of our issues. We have a lot more good nights than bad. We moved in together. He wanted that more than me. He told me on New Years Eve he wants to get married this year. A few months ago, I was living back in the past, and told him if there was anything else he needed to tell me he should. (I have said that often, and he always said there isn't). He decided to tell me that after we were dating, one night he went out for drinks after work with his work group (he still worked with the ex girlfriend at the time) and got blackout drunk. He said he woke up in the bed with his ex (the one I had to wait for), and that she had taken advantage of him. I wasn't sure what to say, and I know that male victims aren't often heard, but I was incredibly upset. He said he told his friends at the time. I told him that he should have told me, because we slept together and he put me at risk for STDs, but that I was sorry that happened and didn't really know what to say. I was really upset, and he kept saying, "you don't believe me, do you?" I feel like an awful person for saying that part of me doesn't, but there's no way for me to know that and I can't blame him for being a victim. It's still eating at me. I still bring it up sometimes but usually when I do he says there's no way to comfort me and that I won't believe what he says. He compliments me often, and I usually just say thank. you. Our sex life is alright. Occasionally he is interested in hearing about what I want for pleasure, and when he is I do usually cum. I have showed him recently exactly what to do to get me there, and sometimes he does try, but I usually use toys. I do find myself fantasizing about scenarios that don't happen a lot, and some of them are getting to me I think. He used to get angry when I told him he has never asked what I liked, but he has since started. He is a musician and I have financially supported both of us a few times. Usually we split rent, but I make more than him so I do understand. I bought him a new phone for Christmas. He is very stingy about letting me see it or be around it. I know I shouldn't be controlling, so I've stopped asking. He often leaves the house if we have arguments, which is something that really gets to me. I've been finding myself lately craving a better sex life, trying to talk to him about it, and being left in the dark while he either sleeps or plays video games. He spends a lot of time on his phone and texting his fraternity brothers, even when we are laying next to each other. Rarely does he put it down to give me undivided attention. I am worried I'm obsessing over nothing. There's a reason I'm talking about all of this now, and I think it's because I feel like I never really got over it. Any of it. I probably should go to therapy, and he tells me that too, I just don't really feel like it's money I can spend right now. I had a few good friends to talk to early on, but they have since left since I started dating this guy because they both said they wanted to date me and couldn't handle it. I feel really lost. I made it through all my life goals, and I am applying to graduate school soon. This is a big change, and I'm worried our relationship won't make it. Anyone have any advice about how to handle any of this? I really do love him enough to put a lot aside to stay. TL;DR Boyfriend and I have had a really bad foundational relationship but have been able to talk through a lot of our issues, but I am feeling really burnt out with them. I find myself craving a lot more than I receive. I am worried our relationship will be affected if I go back to school. Any advice?
