sensitivealy Member Profile

...See more Hey everyone :) , to explain my situation I may have to explain a bit. I've been in therapy for about 3 years now. Counting all admission together, I spend over 1 of these 3 years in hospital. I have also been daypatient a few times and back in 2017 I even moved into an assistant living unit for mentally disabled girls. You must know, that I received help very shortly after I recognised, my behavior had changed into a disordered pattern. I really tried to use every help I could, nevertheless my problems seemed to get worse and worse. Starting with anorexia and depression in 2015, it quickly developed into a more complex disorder. In 2017 I ended up having problems like bulimia, self-harming, dissociating, severe depression with suicidal thoughts and problems talking/ social anxieties. This hopelessness, and of course many other things that were dragging me down, led me to having a suicide attempt back in january. I guess this is the point where things got even more confusing. The attempt and everything that followed was very traumatic to me. The memories of the ambulance, the er and icu are so so painful that I buried them very deep inside of me. Of course I had typical, post traumatic symptoms immediatly after what happened. The strange thing, that is really freaking me out, is that a few months (maybe 2 or so) afterwards I developed certain further anxieties... I now do have problems with men and body contact, to the point where I have panic attacs or dissociate. Also I sometimes use self-harming like a 'shield' that could protect me...like the scars on my breasts and upper body might keep danger away from me..if you understand what I mean. Furthermore I started to get (or feel?...sorry i'm not a native speaker) hyper vigilant. I get easily startled and quickly feel like I might be in danger. The crazy thing is, I don't think this comes from the suicide attempt, as I only had flashbacks of it immediatly after it happened. So how can it be, that I have ptsd symptoms without flashbacks and anxieties, I can not relate to the only traumatic event (the suicide attempt) I remember?? My therapist thinks, that I might have dissociative amnesia so that my psyche might be supressing memories. She does not connect it to the attempt...We now started to dig deeper and try trauma therapy. I mean, I said yes to it, because I simply don't know what could help me anymore. But for real guys... can this really be? I mean how can one forget something so drastic? I am so so confused and don't know what to believe anymore... What if I start digging in something that simply isn't true? What if I create false memories by that? Does anyone of you know these fears? I feel so alone and insecure..

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