shyCup3714 Member Profile

...See more I am a Medical student from India (27). With Introverted Narcissistic personality. For past 8 months I have been constantly lying to my family and my friends and myself. I am currently living alone in city where my college is.. from which I should have been graduated 8 months ago. I never wanted to be a doctor ever since I was young. I have a big family(aunts and uncle all of them combined) with lot of them are doctors almost all of them my cousins so my mom and dad also wanted me to be doctor since I am only male child in my immediate family( 3 older sis). I always outright said to mom that I didn't want to be doctor but she gets emotional really easily with anything related to me( overprotective ) so I just gave up and thought how hard it could be I was wrong. After less hardwork and more time I got selected in one of top 5 medical college...I am an introvert and coward at the same time so I don't have that street smartness which I realised you require a lot here. (4 and a half years after which one year internship then you graduate) As college went on I met some of really good friends even as an introvert they all accepted me and I was able to pass 3 years because of them ..I always tried to maintain outer shell of 'nothing affecting me' to hide my inner vulnerability , I was quick to judge people but at the same time very easygoing never saying no almost felt like 3 years I lived were more of my friends dreams rather than mine. I was always trying to escape from reality watching almost all the movies and TV shows and playing games ...I never dated never shown that much interest as it was too imbued in reality even in final year I started smoking some weed and made some more new friends who really care about me (they still call me but I don't pick up). As things started getting more and more practical in final year and also much more hectic I started pulling away even more from reality immersing myself in stories so I didn't study as much as I should have and then came exams in which I failed in one subject Medicine (practical) I passed the rest of them (Surgery ,Gynae and Paedia) due to which starting date of my internship got delayed by 6-8 months. These 6 months were the most satisfied and happy I had been with myself. [After 4 and a half years you have to do 1 year internship during which you prepare for post graduation exam also where you choose and specialize in one branch based on your ranking..you can't choose whatever you want ..so yeah PG exam is very tough]. I never had an absolute dream that I wanted to do this but I always said I wanted to be an engineer as far as I can remember( I am a NERD as you must have realized by now). In these 6 months due to my failure I thought I needed to do something I turned to ART I kinda stumbled upon it mostly graphic designing ...I started learning it and it was fucking great I kept getting better and better ..I could feel the progress I was doing something different something I really like I was really happy at that time. It felt like a dream that I have to achieve. My self esteem was at an all time high at this point felt like I could do anything as they in all those stories. [Quickly though I realised I was just living in another one of my fantasy] During this 6 months time my friends were doing internship and preparing at the same time.. requiring a lot of hardwork where they were working for a future goal to become a doctor and at the end almost all of them got selected . My internship started around 4 months before their ended. I was still very invested in graphic designing and I was continuously doing it but in the sea of so much talent among artists I was just one small boat. I had to choose (now looking back I am thinking every choice I made in past I am regretting now ) As internship started so came practical aspects with it I wasn't able to handle both reality and my new found dream and I hate myself for it ...a lot of people actually do it and they are successfully doing it I respect them so much ...but I wasn't one of them , I started having anxiety due to this I even went to psychiatrist but didn't follow up used medication to relieve my anxiety another one of my mistakes. I stopped everything related to designing and started preparing for Post graduation exam which was year later...I studied as much as I could but it felt like mindlessly wandering without any goal beacause even at this point I absolutely hate being a doctor which is an evil thing to do ...I shouldn't hate something which helps so many people and helps achieve my parent's dreams. I don't know I can't explain this part why I don't like it.. I am a narcissist this proves that. Next two paragraphs are complicated along with pandemic i can't explain exactly what happened I made a lot of stupid decisions you can skip that... (Now came end of internship and Post graduation exam which almost coincides within a month but due to some unforeseen circumstances internship couldn't be completed but this happened to everyone whoever failed and started internship with me...it was postponed to after exam ...then came exam I gave it and instantly realised as I finished after 3 hours I didn't do much.) (But here comes that street smartness thing other people somehow completed their internship and my mistake again I was a little bit behind and only one left and then came result I was nowhere close but I wasn't the only one one of my friend who didn't fail in their final exam still left but his internship was already completed and he had a degree he was a graduate already I was still behind in one aspect and the only one who hasn't graduated still. I still have to prepare for next year exam though) I was getting tired of fighting with myself I couldn't see any future but it was there I couldn't see it and finally I gave into my narcissism. I started lying to everyone I started saying I completed my internship and graduated...I don't know what came over me I first lied to my doctor cousin ( big brother ) as I was afraid of him ..I am almost afraid of all of my older cousins most of them Dr. Then I started lying to my mom and dad.to my friends . Then I started shutting everyone out stopped talking to anyone stopped receiving calls from my friends ...I still talk to mom and dad obviously every other day you can see how twisted I am lying to them for past 8 months. At this point I already decided something I spent 6 months again indulging myself into fantasies sometimes drawing and other things...I didn't do designing for more than a year so I picked it up but always felt like I don't have enough time ..so I started consuming art more rather than creating it. Now again as deadline is coming my cowardly self is acting up that's why I am writing this I guess I don't know what to do with myself I am utterly lost...I never stick to one thing at this point I fill like I should at least stick to decision I made 8 months ago build up some courage as I can't see any future with me into it. I know if I tell all of this to my mom and dad they will definitely forgive everything I know them very well but I just don't know how I am not good at expressing anything ...this is the first time I wrote something as long as this about myself or even talked about it. I am the only one at fault here you must hate me and you should I hate myself .. don't even know when hate for something else turned to hate for myself but now I am screwed I don't know what to do.

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