shyPond5316 Member Profile

...See more Here's some background information to give y'all better insight into where I am at. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as a child and into my teenage years. The sexual abuse I endured from my father stopped when I was a teenager however, my family members still engaged in physically and emotionally abusing me- up until 1.5 years ago, when I finally cut them out of my life. I self-admitted myself into a mental health wing 2 years ago and was diagnosed with CPTSD, Severe depression and anxiety. I sought out therapy, went on medication and seemingly thought I was getting better in life. Fast forward to a month ago: My mind was racing- I was adamant that my spouse was cheating on me with many many other women. I was jealous of her friendships and found ways to 'sabotage' spending any time getting to know these friends. Looking back on the situations now, I can see that there was a deeper underlying problem for me. I have been dishonest to my spouse when I get put on the spot and fear being abandoned (which ends up with her threatening to leave the marriage anyhow). I have had intense mood swings that come out of nowhere (which has been mostly controlled by anti-depressants now). I only see things in black and white and I have to stick to a safe routine. If anyone tries to change my routine, I get very irritable and incredibly agitated. I have to scan the rooms that I enter and immediately locate the exits. I can't be present in my conversations at a restaurant because I am always afraid someone is going to come in and hurt me (which is why I need to scan the rooms and find the exits). I am ALWAYS on guard. Last night my spouse was reading the traits of BPD to me and I swear my picture must've been beside the descriptions. It was me to a T! I feel frustrated because I have hurt her soo badly over the course of our relationship by my intense fear of abandonment and distrust of her. She's never done anything to deserve these feelings and reactions from me but I often feel soo tortured when these thoughts come into my head that I vocalize them unhealthily and it causes conflict after conflict. I am seeing my therapist tonight and I have a doctor's appointment next week to discuss getting diagnosed. I am fearful of labels and am scared of what people will think of me. I can understand that this is how I begin to get the help I clearly need but I just hate that we have to wear labels. Has anyone done Ketamine Therapy for this? What kinds of medication are best to help combat the 'psychotic' tendencies? How can I help heal the very large emotional wounds I have inflicted on my spouse?

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