sickseraphim Member Profile

...See more Sent this out to some listeners, but I could use some community support. Yesterday morning, I initiated a break with my partner of nearly a year. We've lived together since we started dating due to terrible circumstances affecting his home life - he had nowhere to go, and I barely had enough room for him. Almost as soon as he moved in, I was out of a job for months, and it was entirely my fault. After I got a job, it only lasted a couple of months, and I lost it again (due to my own actions). He's been upset with me for doing this to him twice. I'm employed now, and feeling better about it, but the trust is broken. He paid my rent for such a long time - the overwhelming majority of our relationship. Because of this disconnect, he still loved me, but he wasn't able to engage with me physically. I am a person who desperately needs touch to feel loved, and every day without holding him in my arms hurts me terribly. I could never be mad at him for this, because I betrayed his trust twice. We are polyamorous, and he started dating one of my best friends over the winter. Because of what was going on, I struggled with jealousy and loneliness, because of how differently we were treated. This loneliness and frustration led to me hitting on one of my friends at a terribly inappropriate time, which disgusted my boyfriend. He hasn't looked at me the same since this happened last week. Because of my terrible OCD and anxiety, I am constantly caught in loops of panic and insecurity. I am constantly afraid he is going to finally be completely done with me. Because of this, I seek reassurance from him constantly and burden him with the emotional labor of my regrets and fears, which only makes things worse. I initiated the break this morning, because last night he told me how upset he was by me hitting on our friend. I was vulnerable and lonely, and self-sabotaged by making a dumb decision. He isn't able to look at me the same anymore, and I can't keep making him think I'll get better soon. I initiated the break because everything I've done to get better has been for him, and not myself. I keep living in these delusional fantasies where things will be magically better after I complete some arbitrary checklist, and every time it doesn't work out, I feel like a failure. I can't handle doing this to myself anymore. We're still living together, but I can't handle this feeling anymore. There's nothing more for us to talk about right now, because he's frustrated with me for everything. I am in so much pain, and I feel so unmotivated. But when I was with him, he was the only thing motivating me - and that's not healthy for either of us. I don't know how to find a passion outside of him. I have nothing but my love for him operating my every step. I'm so afraid of everything falling apart because of this, but that's why I had to initiate this break. If I can't be away from him, that means I NEED to be away from him. But until things get better, I don't know what to do. And I won't know what to do if things never get better.

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