sleeplessiniris Member Profile

...See more . I've been married for 4 years. When I was dating my wife I was recently single. I was engaged to my ex but deep down it was more of a peer pressure or somehow what was expected from me. so when I met my wife, we were happily dating for 4/5 months and I felt a strong connection then I got her pregnant, everything was fast tracking. We got married, and I wasn't feel pressured in a negative way but more towards doing the right thing. she asked me if I was ready to deal with this lifestyle changes, I cant explain what made me do it but there was a force within me to start a family with her despite being strangers. Since then, the relationship was in turmoil and we can't seems to connect. We would laugh still but most of the times, I made her feel bad, sad, disappointed etc. there's always something wrong with me and I would deny everything, saying that she's setting me for failures. But then I realise that I have not given her what she deserves. I don't have any savings that could support her or our child, and not that I don't want to, but I can't never solve that. She tried to help me and I would change but then I would go back to my old habit. I ignore our issues, my benchmark is when she's not saying anything, therefore she's fine but she's not. I tried seeking help, I was good for a week or two, a better dad and husband but I would relapse and repeat my wrong doings. she would get angry and frustrated and compare herself to my ex, how I would do extra miles for my ex but not for her. She asked me if I really want to marry her, and I said yes. I do want to marry her but seems that I'm hurting her more and more with my ignorance and insensitive. I thought I was doing great but turns out she was just holding everything inside, then she would explode and shut her down for days. I don't know and I cannot explain the reasons behind my action. I sometimes questioned myself if what she said was true, that I was indeed a coward and a liar. That I was too scared to abort the baby or I was under the impression of finally found my happiness, that I finally settle down and to prove those who doubted me that I can be reliable. She asked if I love her why am I not loving her. I do love her and I thought my way of loving her is enough. I don't blame her for feeling that I wasn't giving enough to her, I admit that. She also admits that she too can't love me the way I needed to be loved. But I don't even know how I needed to be loved. one time she said to me that why I never proposed to her. I said to her well I marry you , we're married why do I need to propose you. She explained that when someone propose someone, it means that person is ready and prepared to take someone into their lives. A person wouldn't just propose someone empty handed she said. When I proposed to my ex, I didn't really have anything. Everything was joint with my ex. We were renting at her parents house, she handles the savings etc and we were able to go on holidays etc. When we broke up, we split our savings and that's it. when I marry my wife, I thought i can afford life as parents. We split rent, bills etc. So when she said that I didn't provided her any financial support, she was right but I couldn't really think of anything to make that different, instead I would just blame the house we rent is too expensive, she's not working etc. But when we did our household calculation, she was contributing more to our family. As a husband, i feel ashamed but I didn't do anything. I thought that me being there for her, helping her caring for our child is supportive enough. As long as we have a roof and food, we're good. I do feel like a failure and that I can't give her happiness, she feels the same way too. These days, we're just trying our best to be civil in front of our kid, but no connection between us. I said many times we should reconnect bla bla but when she asked me how, I can't answered that. I don't know. So I hand that to her to think or what she thinks it's a way to reconnect. she said to me that her hopes is to leave this relationship when she's independent enough to be on her own. She said it's hurting for her to live this life, and it's not fair for both of us to not feel and have love. She loves me as the father to our child, but as a person, she lost that hope faith and love. I tend to sleep and wash it away with playing games etc. She would too distract herself with her hobbies. I honestly don't know what to do.

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