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Hey. I dont know where to start, so I hope I dont come off as rambling...im gonna try and break this down into 2 or three parts. Feel free to reply to which ever part you want/can. Thanks. I dont know if im lazy or depressed...and even if I am depressed, I feel like I dont have a legit reason to be :/
1)Ok...so im sure you guys know how it feels to kinda just not like anything about yourself? To hate your face? Your body? Your personality? Just...you? Well, I go through periods of that...it kinda comes and goes...for the last 3 weeks or so I've been feeling really shitty about myself. I hate my face. Funny thing is--I dont know what I change about it. I've just never liked the way I look...always struggled with it. Even when people tell me Im pretty, I just cant accept it. I wish I was...curvier. I'm pretty slim, so that really is the default "beauty standard"(and honestly, I say fuck the beauty standard), but I just...wish I had bigger hips, breasts, bigger legs and butt...I wouldn't go get plastic surgery or anything...I guess my breasts fit my body...im just slim. But I see how guys loooove curvy girls and I wish I was. I wish I was attractive enough for guys to notice me...I wish I wasn't so shy and quiet...sometimes, I just wish I wasn't me. And im so embarrassed to type that because there's only one me in the world right? Right...
2)I find myself crying all the time...I haven't showered in like 5 fucking days and I dont have the motivation to. I just lay in bed all day, waiting to go back to sleep. And when I wake up, I wish I hadn't. Right now typing this, I feel so pathetic...Im holding back tears.I took my first shower in about 5 days last night...prior to that, I felt so lazy and gross...smelled gross... And I felt lazy as fuck. I didn't understand why I could brind myself to just take a bath like normal people...but I had no motivation. Like seriously...I feel like shit. I feel empty, with this lingering urge to just cry all fucking day.I look happy on the outside, and im still able to act like myself...I can laugh, have a regular conversation..but im honestly not. I feel so bad...
3)Im introverted. I dont need to socialize much..but for the past maybe year or so...I've found myself wishing I had a group of tight knit friends...wishing I had someone to hang out with...feeling really lonely. I feel like such a loser. Ever since my first semester of college ended, I've only left the house once and that was to get pet food. No one invites me anywhere. I spend my days on youtube, tumblr, playing lots of Final Fantasy...I wish I had really close friends. I feel envious of girls with boyfriends...I miss being kissed and held and wanted. I've never had a super tight group of friends...I mean, there are people I know who I think are pretty cool and we're on good terms but it never progresses past that. I have this one friend who I talk to on the regular basis, we joke a lot, but we've never really hung out before.I feel pathetic because I dont have these things...and I dont know how to really :/ My winter break started a little over a week ago and I haven't done anything. Im 18, and I feel like im not really living life...
4)I need a job. I need to save up money for a car, I need money for textbooks, I want to help my mother around the house...I want to be useful. I feel lazy and useless, just watching my mother struggle financially. For some reason, im scared as fuck to fill out a job application and look for work! I mean, how stupid is that? Again, as an introvert, the thought of being around people all day is draining and kinda scary...on top of that, I have fibromyalgia, so I dont sleep too good and im in some sort of pain every. fucking. day. I have no energy to do the things that most people do...I have to be aware of my limitations. Going to school everyday and waking up at 6 am was extremely difficult for me, but I pushed through. For most healthy people, going to school and work everyday is possible...but for me, once again, I have to be aware of my limitations. I cant do the things that normal people do because if I do, I will be in soooo much pain I wont be able to think straight. It's this throbbing, stabbing pain in my muscles...being inactive can make it worse as can over exerting myself. So, Im sooo scared that I will overwhelm myself with work and school...and I hate myself for it. I hate that I have fibromyalgia...I want to be useful and I want to help around the house..but im lazy. Im just fucking lazy and I cant work as hard as other people...and I cant fucking explain how much I hate myself for it. I've never had a job...and I need to get one. All the kids my age either have jobs or have had at least one...and I need the money...money isn't gonna fall from the sky...but physically, im not like everyone else im realizing...and I fucking hate myself for it!
When I think about everything, I just start to hate myself...i've been crying all day and I cry myself to sleep...I feel terrible...useless...just wanna sleep and not wake up. Im not suicidal or anything, so dont worry about that...I feel like theres something terrible wrong with me, but I dont know what.
My life isn't even that bad in comparison to other people...so I have no reason to feel this way...but I do and I hate it.
I just...I dont want to through the term depression around loosely because its fucking debilitating for soooooooooo many people. But what do you guys think?
