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sonerii
4,792 M Seeking Light 7
PathStep 169 Compassion hearts174 Forum posts69 Forum upvotes93 Current upvotes93 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 2, 2021
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You will know when they go cause they'll never light up the silence and your heart just sighed.


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Third Person View & Dissociation Problem
Depression Support / by sonerii
Last post
 February 2nd, 2021
...See more I was unsure where to post this thread, but I came to conclusion it relates mostly to my beginning stage of depression so I'll be sharing it here. Ever since my middle school days, that went out really horrible by being verbally abused and isolated for, to my opinion, no particular reason. My peers just didn't like me, I'd get abandoned often, get insulted, neglected and at some point, my whole class confronted me together to the point I broke down and refused going to school for a week. Around that time, my early stage of depression began. I was in a really painful state, I didn't want to live with that pain, but crying my heart out didn't really help me as much as I thought it would. Releasing pain doesn't make the pain go away. So, I developed a certain coping mechanism during that period of my life. I would try to numb myself out, because I didn't have a lot of choices to begin with. Abuse at school was not really the only thing, unfortunately, my parents did the same. As young, I didn't know what I was doing. I began viewing myself in 'third perspective' because I thought if I do that, I will be able to see my flaws how others see them and therefore, fix them forcefully myself so I can stop abuse that I went through. As time passed, my problem just got worse and is still present now. I can't look at things from first perspective and when I do, I feel like my safety bubble just got broken and tears begin streaming down my face. This includes dissociation along, that got gradually worse because I don't feel pain when I am not 'in my own body' but outside of it, in my own safe world. Only time I can actually get myself to be in the moment, is when I am somewhere far, like empty field. But as soon as I get out of that moment, I forget about it. I don't remember what I did or what did I say or do. Same thing when it comes to talking with other people or meeting them, I just.. forget. I don't know how did I behave, I don't know what did I even tell them and it gives me anxiety. It forces me to avoid them because I feel I embarrassed myself yet I have no memory of it. Viewing myself in third perspective was the reason of my low self-esteem. I desparately wanted to fix myself, my appearance and my behaviour. But I couldn't, I only could do it in my head and at some point, I convinced myself it's reality but part of me also knows it's not, yet I cannot get myself to do otherwise. I feel alienated in my own body, like I simply don't belong here. I'm sorry for any gramatical errors, I am not native english speaker.
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