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spongymoth34
425 M Embraced 3
PathStep 26 Compassion hearts98 Forum posts28 Forum upvotes77 Current upvotes77 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceMarch 19, 2022
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*tw* just in case - please help if you can! DID/BPD/OCD
Trauma Support / by spongymoth34
Last post
 December 11th, 2022
...See more I have a family trip coming up with some relatives that are incredibly toxic to me.. the only reason i'm going is for my grandmother who has dementia that is getting worse. In the 4 years I spent living with them they drove me to start taking medication, having tics, and of course dissociating.. I tend to mirror people that are actors or musicians. I feel like right now an actor and musician I mirror often are fighting in my head for dominance to mentally protect me from my family if that makes sense - but it just makes me feel more lost and confused and separated from myself. I also have bpd so that's why I am not sure if it makes sense to post here in the did community or not. I cannot tell when I am mirroring sometimes until it happens... Does anyone deal with this? Also, the people I mirror tend to be quite different, so I don't know how to mentally survive this trip without dissociating and mirroring someone so I don't have to face myself when I get upset by the family.
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Thank You
Personality Disorders Support / by spongymoth34
Last post
 April 16th, 2022
...See more Last night I opened up 7 cups and nearly cried, because I wasn't expecting so many people to be there for me. I just would like to do a quick shoutout, and say THANK YOU!!! I feel the support and love and it is motivating to keep sharing with y'all. I hope I can be of help to you as you have been to me!!! @SilverSeastar @SparklingSnowflake15 @Howegeorgia20 @Hopeandmore @VoidyBlep @Dallady Appreciate y'all takin the time! 😊
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Inner turmoil, becomes outward turmoil by "splitting"
Personality Disorders Support / by spongymoth34
Last post
 April 26th, 2022
...See more So last night, I went home and I usually take my nighttime medications - smoke some weed (legal here) and relax with my husband and watch silly stuff on youtube until we go to sleep. Once I got to my usual smoke session, I put on a song by Janet Jackson that I haven't heard in YEARS. It was "Doesn't really matter", a pretty positive song... but I think something about hearing it triggered me somehow. Not sure if something happened and I had been listening to that song or what but next thing, I start looking up weird doomsday kind of stuff. I went and kind of forced my partner to watch the disturbing thing with me (doomsday robots?!) He asked me Why? and I said "Because It's fun!" I felt like I was outside of myself, watching myself be a complete weirdo and during these phases there's no way out except rest or time. Once he sat down, he told me that I was having one of those episodes(splitting) and he was going to bed and wasn't going to play into it this time. Once he said that, I sat back and watched the really strange video I put on. We sat there and the more I came back to from splitting, the weirder the situation felt. I thought to myself "Why did I put this on?? Why did I want to make him watch it??" I honestly didn't do much, but when I split tbh I feel like a Monster. I don't want to mentally be abusive to him because I freaking love him. I could see the fear in his body language; All he does is help me out in life and that's all I wish to do for him. Any advice on looking deep within to figure out what source might cause splitting??? Or how to do it? THANK YOU ps - this is very hard for me to post because just recently I figured out I was being mentally abusive, so i've taken it upon myself to look into working on That issue, because hurting anyone even if mentally and not physically, is not what I want myself to be doing.
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BPD & lack of Identity?
Personality Disorders Support / by spongymoth34
Last post
 April 18th, 2022
...See more For as long as I can remember of course there were people who judged my outfits, my style, what I liked as I was growing up. I was never really allowed to like what I like. I do know this plays into my identity issues in BPD. I know people normally go through these things. I feel like really confused, I don't really know what I actually look like? There's like a distortion or something, or I maybe just won't accept myself? I've always mirrored other people and am just trying to be one person, and I don't know how.. or where to start. How do you find your identity when you feel like you don't have one of your own???
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toxic family pushed me off the edge
Anxiety Support / by spongymoth34
Last post
 April 8th, 2022
...See more My mom passed away in 2011 from brain/lung cancer. I decided to move in with a friend. That didn't work out after about a year so I decided to move in with family. At this time, it was maybe 2013 and I figured out the hard way just how toxic my mother's side of the family really was/is. I was always the type to say no to medications when it came to anxiety. Until they finally got to me by them gaslighting me all the time (ex: "your boyfriend doesnt love you he just visits to get into your pants, the flowers he sends will stop coming after that") . I finally took medication because I was in breakdown mode because the passive aggressive attitude they had. fast foward to 2015. Apparently I started having "twitches" or "tics" spazms, not sure what to call em, and I always pushed the thought aside when it happened until Yesterday. I had thought maybe it was new medication causing it when I learned from my husband that I've had this since the last year I had to live even Close to my family. They really stressed me out. My relative had come up with a story that she had to talk to me about "something" without my husband around and that she knew I was "lying", yelled at me the night before moving until I was in tears. So Here's my question for y'all. Just curious, does anyone else have an anxiety/ocd twitching issue? I'm lucky because it isn't stopping me from day to day life or anything at all. Though I am surprised I've been doing it for so much longer than I thought.
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