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Hey guys, I'm new to this site and this is my first thread so if it's kind of all over the place I apologize in advance. So I was diagnosed with bpd this past summer, I always thought it was my depression, my bad anxiety, I never even knew bpd existed until last year, I went into treatment for substance abuse April of last year, and that's around the time I started dating my boyfriend. Since, it's been a Rollercoaster, he moved to Illinos to be with my from Texas, we were dating online for about a year, I couldn't handle the distance so I impulsively bought him a ticket to live here with me, I still live with my dad and I am currently employed but licenseless at the moment and 20 years old. So now I got that out of the way, he's been here for 6 months now. And I just traveled to Texas 3 weeks ago to meet his family. We are pretty serious, and I love him a lot but here's the problem. It's me. When I'm mad I unfortunately get physical, I feel as though I don't realize it while doing it, but it's so embarrassing. Man, it's so embarrassing and I hate myself for it. We fight constantly, then makeup again. He wants me to change everything, and it's making me resent him almost. He told me to stop talking to the friends I had because they arent the best for me, and he says he's looking out for me but my brain goes right to - 'he's trying to isolate me. Keep me all to himself. He wants me to feel alone' and I hate that I have these intrusive thoughts always. I also lash out and say awful unethical things to my boyfriend out of rage. For instance today; I bought him a vinyl and he's been listening to this band I hate everyday. Only them. For the past 3 months or so. And he made me buy him this vinyl, when he doesn't have a job, and I barely get paid and I still had to buy us groceries, but I feel like I'm such an awful girlfriend all I can do is buy his love, which isn't right and it isn't true but that's how I feel. But it didn't work because right after I started being extremely passive aggressive and rude, saying things like 'I hope you like it, once we break up you can remember me by it.' or 'you don't buy me gifts yet, I buy you everything all the time.' I'm not even a materialistic person and I don't understand why I say these things. It makes me furious at myself. I keep telling myself it's because the force of change that's trying to be brought upon me but I'm always like this. Lately he has been pulling away from me, when I get overwhelmed and upset and just tells me to go away, or go to sleep, or he says 'oh my God dude can you stop' it makes it worse, he gives me the cold shoulder and then in return I grasp at all these straws to get his attention, self harm, suicide threats, and I'm not doing it do flaunt it or because I find it 'cool' it's because I just want him to show me he cares, I don't know, I'm probably not making any sense and it's so unhealthy and toxic of me. I keep convincing myself he's cheating on me which I know he wouldn't do that to me. Or I keep trying to look at his phone to find something to be mad about, or my brain keeps telling me and making up all these irrational stories like '"just break up with him first, he's going to leave you anyway, he's probably taking to someone else. He's just using you as a place to stay' and its awful. I feel like I'm going crazy. I know I'm going to drive him away and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm hopeless and I don't have the will to keep going somedays. I'm just so tired of feeling like this, I just feel like my family and boyfriend and everyone around me sees me as a burden or the person who cried wolf and no one cares. I know this isn't true, but it's how I'm feeling. I am self aware, but I don't know how to change my actions, I don't know where to start when my only coping methods are self harm, drinking, and calling someone up but I don't know who to call anymore. I'm at a loss and I need help.