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stephyvxd12
1,023 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 78 Compassion hearts65 Forum posts32 Forum upvotes24 Current upvotes24 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJune 4, 2021
Bio

hi, i hope your journey to healing is going well! you got this, love.

Recent forum posts
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high school senior depression, young adult transition
Depression Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 April 3rd, 2022
...See more Hi, today I had a depressive episode. My day wasn’t all great to begin with. I suffer with PTSD from abusive relationships, sexual assault/verbal assault, and issues revolving around that. I have an AMAZING boyfriend of 7 months (onward) and my trauma doesn’t really get in the way with our relationship, fortunately. I’ve done so much healing since my trauma in 2019 and I’ve came long ways. I’ve had depression in 2018 very badly and suffered from addiction and self harm. For the past two weeks, i’ve been feeling very down. I am currently 18, graduating high school in may. This year i have lost many friends, friends just don’t want to commit to the friendship the same way i want to. I lost my best friend who i never though would leave me. She was like a sister to me and I’ve known her since i started high school and we grew close, transferred junior year together, and practically were sisters. Now she’s like a stranger, i find it difficult to comprehend and maybe my grief and feelings of loneliness revolve around that loss of friendship. I understand friendships are going to be lost during the transition of senior graduation-college but it brings new fear to me and my boyfriends relationship. He will be attending and staying on campus to a college 40 minutes from me. However, because of the issues i have financially regarding college I can’t have the “college life” if you want to refer it that way. Because of my financial situation, i have to designate to my free options of community college online. My work also gives free scholarships for bachelors degree online. However, online school is extremely different from going in person. i feel i will not have many to no friends when the time comes, I dread graduating because i’ll be set apart from my relationship and friendships. No one really taught me the transition of things i was just thrown into the mix of adulting. There is MAJOR pressure right now. I feel as though i will be losing opportunity where my boyfriend will be growing and making new friends but i will not have that growth. I do not enjoy being alone for long periods of times, it makes me depressed and anxious especially considering my PTSD and various triggers and attributions. I have talked to my boyfriend about this and he is very understanding but i know he doesn’t see my perspective. I feel as though because of where i stand, i am choosing between my mental health with college and avoiding debt for college. I am very appreciative of the financial support i am getting and have with college despite it being online. i am beyond grateful for it, but i know my tendencies when i’m alone. i cannot afford to move out because i just got in a car accident that wrecked my 2021 car… My degree requires med school- so i know the opportunities i have i should take, but i really do not know how. my mental health is going to withstand and endure being alone. it is extremely difficult for me to make real genuine friends. i also feel my depression is intensifying, i haven’t had an depressive episode in a long time i feel very unmotivated. if someone could really just guide me because i don’t know what to do with myself besides lay in bed and stare at a wall at 10pm when i work at 7am. i know i am not alone in this thinking about college, so i will ask in broad: so i ask, what do i do for after care when i have a depressive episode/ptsd episode? how do i prevent over sharing with my partner because i don’t want to be reliant on him? any tips for a young adult learning all the responsibilities that come with it? any tips on senioritis? any tips for going to college or making new friends?
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school
Anxiety Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 January 7th, 2022
...See more the stress of being a senior in high school really started to kick in this semester. i’m taking 4 of my core classes that are required to graduate in comparison to me taking 2 core classes and 2 art electives. i already obtain the responsibility of expenses such as car payments, so i work at least 25 hours a week. my time management has not been great due to the countless errands i need to run, school, and work. it is slowly diminishing my mental health and i know this is my last semester before college but it is getting hard. i know i’m not alone and i have some guidance, however i wish i had more when it comes to applying to colleges with my parents and having support and financial stability and knowledge. this is only my first week back, and i graduate in 4 months but i’ve been thrown into all of my classes and have received major projects and a test for a class i just started with minimal instruction. the work load is a lot and i work night shifts, i just need a setting ground of what to do to manage my time and stress while still having a balance with work and school and friends
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my progression and healing journey
Trauma Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 August 6th, 2021
...See more I had a severe trigger on July 31st. It was concerning my sexual abusers name and although I thought i have subsided any inner conflict I had with him, the trigger was bad. It was a scary experience and it relatively lasted 3 days. The same day, (earlier) I had a date with an amazing man who treats me well and understands my trauma. He’s patient with me, which I value a lot. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn’t for being triggered about something I thought I was over with. The trigger occurred while I was with a group of friends- keep in mind, they know and are friends with my exhale abuser- said his name at dinner. They didn’t intend to cause me harm which I understand but it is unsettling to know that they are still friends with someone who hurt me. I try to stay understanding with that, but i have notified them i won’t hang out with them collectively because it has never been enjoyable to me (probably because they lack maturity). When I was on my way back to my house from dinner, my best friend notified me that my abuser was at the mall the same time we were. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. She told me she didn’t want to tell me because she knew I would end up loooing for him the entire time I was at the mall due to my paranoia. I didn’t know how unsettled I would become knowing I could see him because I always thought I was better than him and am. I am just not prepared to see him in any way. My trauma happened in August of last year with him, it was several occasions of harassment despite me saying no. The experience was bitter with him but I always felt my experience with my ex was far worst and the main reason i suffer from c-ptsd. When I arrived home that night, my good friend texted me congratulating me for getting through the night and it set me off. I cried, I didn’t realize how much hurt built up in me and I haven’t cried in so long but it felt good even if it hurt so bad. I realize now, the moment they said his name i had dissociated as a self defense mechanism to not show how i felt until I got home. I remember how i felt when they said his name, it felt like my heart dropped to my gut and my stomach twisted. I could feel myself drain and i felt sick and nauseous and almost lost an appetite. It was the worst feeling I’ve had. The next day, I was out with family bowling and at an arcade. I was noticeably irritable and very sensitive because of what happened the night before. It got to the point i had to sit out and miss playing the arcade games with my family and hold in tears until my throat got sore. I talked back to my parents when I shouldn’t have, and I felt horribly about it but i understood it was just the way i coped with it. I always have sucked at showing my emotion for what it is- rage and irritability is how i express my sadness and frustration. Sunday night, I also had a nightmare with him in it. It wasn’t as horrible as a nightmare I had about another traumatic event, which I was glad about. I was srill stumbled about the trigger though and i cried again in the morning and later that night. Since, it’s been gone. And i’ve developed a lot of reassurance with the man i am dating now. Today i had my second date with him and went very well. Today was the first time i’ve allowed for a simple intimate touch on my leg and it honestly is so much progression. a year ago, i don’t think I would’ve ever thought i’ve come near getting into another relationship. i cried happily tonight because I felt how far i’ve come and i felt the support i had with him and i felt safe. i know i will have struggles continuously and that my healing is not linear. I have found out better coping mechanisms within recent weeks that have helped me such as a simple podcast discussing trauma and relationships and moving on to meditating and easing my anxiety on a day to day basis
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tw-> emotional abuse by partner and sexual harassment
Trauma Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 July 3rd, 2021
...See more i have relatively been doing decent for the past few weeks, possibly months. i’ve been able to wake up and not have the first thing that crosses my mind be the person who inflicted emotional abuse on me. but today was different, i dreamt. i wouldn’t ever imagine i would dream of this person again considering i thought i was over it. it’s been a year and a little over a month since i left that relationship. this person lied about everything for 8+ months and manipulated me, yet he was the first person i genuinely fell in love with and so far the only one. it is too complicated to go in depth, and i’m not that comfortable yet to explain it. but i dreamt of him, it was like i knew everything he did to me but i still wanted him and i flirted and flirted and he did the same. the dream was not a nightmare, but when i woke up i felt horrible. i sat in my bed for an extra 2 hours and i swam in and out of flashbacks until i had a flashback about someone else who has sexually harassed me. i cant really tell if the flashbacks were another dream or just a thought of rememberebce but they felt real again. like i can feel all the emotions i’ve felt throughout each incident but i was too numb to really comprehend it in real life. it is too weird to explain. but for the rest of the day my motive to do simple tasks descaled quickly. the only thing i did today was summer school before i went back to bed and just slept but not it is time to really sleep and i’m scared to do it despite me napping throughout the entire day. why did i have to have that dream and those triggers? it’s literally been a year and since than so much has happened. i feel horrible now.
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hi
Depression Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 June 16th, 2021
...See more i haven’t been on 7 cups in a while. i cant tell if that’s in avoidance of my issues i know have been present, or if i’m in the process of healing correctly. I know that my feelings are gonna come back because whenever i get bursts of happiness the sadness always creeps back up and ruins all my progression. i know that healing is not linear but it’s exhausting to fight the same battle that loops around. it’s been 5 years and i know i’ve made progress but it doesn’t feel like enough. sometimes i still struggle with temptations of doing self harm again and pills even though i’ve been clean 3-4 years. i cant hang around with ppl that do drugs because i’m scared my self control will not pull through. it has for those 3 years but things get dark when i’m alone. maintaining soberity is so much more difficult than i’ve thought it would be even 3 years after. as insignificant it could be, i have to be taking benadryl to sleep some nights but when i do i take more than 4 pills when i know i shouldn’t but it’s dumb for me to do that when i’m it’s wrong. i’m clean 4 years on oxycodones, benadryl is completely different yet i find comfort in taking it because it is a pill. i can sleep comfortably with it but when i’m not it takes me forever and my brain goes places. i still like to consider myself clean from bad habits but this might also become a new one. i try everyday and i’ve gotten help from close ones but i hope i stay clean. i’ve made progression over the years, ig.
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i need help
Anxiety Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 June 5th, 2021
...See more so i’ve been struggling with trauma for a while about things regarding relationships and friendships. i’m still unsure on how i cope with it but my personality has rlly transformed and i’ve became more defensive. my mindset tells me i’m not going to find anyone to connect with, i’m not going to find a life long friend, i’m not going to find another romantic partner, etc. i don’t feel like i’m capable of being loved or capable of loving anymore. i suck with affection but my love language is physical touch. i just want to improve everything about that and get over it i always feel i’m missing on good opportunities. when i feel like i rlly like someone or can develop a good friendship with them i run away as a defense mechanism. i don’t know how to fix it i don’t know how to move on. i just need someone to tell me what steps to take because it’s been a year and it’s been affecting my friendships significantly more now than ever. please.
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tw* rocky road of my life
Trauma Support / by stephyvxd12
Last post
 June 4th, 2021
...See more i want to turn this into a diary of my life so that i learn to accept it gradually, i guess i’ll start off by saying: i never thought i’d ever come up front and ask for any sort of professional help. i always felt it was too late; because the five years of ongoing depression and anxiety— i feel as if if i tell the people i’m close to it would be dismissed or not acknowledged as much as i want it to be. i’ve never told them about the pain i’ve held for so long. i hide it so well almost like it’s in my nature; in person i seem happy and outgoing, but when i’m home i refrain from texting them but it’s unintentional. sometimes i wish i could be upfront with those emotions because being closed off chips away at those friendships. i’m still drowning with the trauma i have from past ‘lovers’ and family relationships. i don’t expect anyone to understand it anymore, because all my friends i’ve told diminish it and tell me to move on but i cant. i know i should be proud for reaching for help but i’m ashamed i let it dive this far where i would be writing on an app/website i didn’t know existed a year ago. i feel embarrassed that the only listeners i feel would truly understand is a stranger on the other side of a screen vs someone that’s been there for me every second throughout my life. i hope, though, that i learn to open up regardless to this little thread. i hope i see better days.
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