...See more
Hello everyone! I'm a 22 years old woman. I really have no idea what sexuality could I be indentified with because I've never been in a relationship with anyone, but I think that I might be attracted to girls romatically. So here is my story. Three years ago I started college and there was a really popular girl and everyone was talking about her. Let's call her Megan. I didn't really wanted to talk to her because I thought that she wouldn't even look at me. A few days later, I become friends with a girl who said that she become close to her at the beginning and then Megan started to want to be my friend. She was unexpectedly nice and friendly, she would always try to talk to me, hugging me. One day she even kissed me on the cheek, and she isn't that type at all. We didn't talk much and I didn't know anything about her. So she found out that I need a rent in that city because of the college and she asked me to move with her in an apartment where she already lived in a rent. I thought that was cool, but a bit weird because we don't have idea how we could be since we only changed a few words. I accepted and I trusted her. She slowly started to ignore me after that. I moved with her, but she didn't seem the same initial warm girl. She was a bit cold to me and different, like she wasn't as excited as before. I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head. At the college it seemed as if she was keeping me a secret and didn't want anyone to know that we were living together, as if she was trying to keep her image and she was ashamed with me and she completely ignored me every time I passed her. I wasn't absurd to not give her space and stay with her friends and me with my friends, but something seemed off when she ignored me in that way. Even my friends noticed that. Inside the house, we were close, outside she didn't know me. She was a cold and a distant person, but I found why because she trusted me enough to tell me stuff that she never ever talked to someone else in her life. She had that kind of trauma which can be seen only in movies. Problems with a narcisstic mother who caused only misery, domestic violence and so on. She would always started crying out of nowhere and couldn't even tell why. She knew that she has psychologically issues, but said that she had no money for a therapist. I always stayed by her side and trying to listen to her and help in anyway. I was very upset because she would never want to hang out with me outside and she was making the stupidiest excuses everytime like "I don't have money"/ "I have to clean my room", but when it came about her friends, she would all be there for all the parties. She had fun friends and a stupid apartament mate for crying in her arms. When I was with my friends, she would autoinvite with us. She always was talking to my friends, but I never had the right to breath around her friends who were also my colleagues. She let me several times alone on the street to meet them even when we all had the same courses together. Like I said, she never wanted to spend time with me, but got jealous if I hang out with other people. I don't think that there were so many coincidents when she was mad at me for no reason after I came back home. She always was curious about who I was talking through messages with, who was the girl in the subway to whom I talked in the morning. She wanted to know everything. She was always crying after two days spent apart from me when I was at my parent's house. Once she told me that she would miss me when we had a winter vacation for a week. She gave up on me for others, and then after she had seen their truly colors came at me to complain about them. Many many times. I had always took care of her but she never appreciated anything. We were so close sentimentally, but at the same time distant. A relationship like mother and daughter and wife and husband. Megan was a very attractive woman, charmant and funny to be around. That was her face in front of other people, but in the house she traumatized me with her traumas and I stayed strong for her. I think this was what attracted me to her, and the fact that she was very intelligent and I could talk to her about deep subjects. The fact that she trusted me fully with the most intimate things which you should never tell anyone at all cost. I felt special, but used. She never seemed to care about me, but for others yes. I told her that I am asexual because I didn't want her to think that I am a lesbian and I am attracted to her. She liked girls too. I am not that type of crazy who imagines all kinds of scenarios, but she always seemed to be flirting with me. Many many times she tried to attract my attention to her lips. Especially when she puts on lipstick and she was looking into my eyes seductively. "I put on my lipstick". Why would I care? She told me several times that she liked to kiss girls when she is drunk without me asking her. Everytime she would tell me about her kissing her ex boyfriends probably to see my reaction. One day she said to me "Do you know how your lips would look good? On mine." I was shocked and I didn't respond. Several times she asked me when I will f*ck her. After I bought her food on my money, she said she will pay me in nature (that means s*x). Initially I considered that she was joking, but she seemed very serious everytime. Megan tried to look perfect in my eyes and liked to ask me for validation. The problem with me is that I am a very direct and honest person and she was triggered by that. She didn't like me because I was too judgy. She liked to make fun of me, but I wasn't allowed to make fun of her. On other people she didn't got upset like with me. She was a kind of complexed person. I told her that she was beautiful without makeup, she started to not wear it permanently. I said to her that she has beautiful legs, she started to wear shorts. Megan liked to attract my attention on her butt too. She leaned ostentatiously with her butt in front of me and then turned to me to see if I looked at her. Once she leaned to hit me. Another time she was washing the dishes and was talking to me and I asked her to repeat once more because I was not paying attention and she asked me if because of the view and she points out toward her butt. She asked me as a joke if I fell in love with her. Whatever I said, she thought that I had hidden fantasies with her. Her body language was pretty cold to me, but I always felt sexual energy from her. I think that she didn't like the fact that I ignored her and behave as if I wasn't attracted to her. She probably was just curious about me and I didn't want her to destroy me and then lose any interest in me. I still don't know what was in her mind because it was so difficult to read her. Was she really attracted to me or she was only interested in making me fall for her for her ego and not for mutual feelings? After the pandemic came, we gave up our apartment and moved to our natal cities for online classes. Since I knew that she wasn't interested in me outside the house and we weren't apartment mates anymore, I slowly began to distance myself from her and I didn't reach out at all. She made the first step. I think that she missed me, but her ego was too big. We started to reach out with turns once a week. I know, so imature from us. She wasn't interested to see me face to face at all, she would only find the stupidiest excuses to get to talk to me. Sending me regularly pictures of "updates" with her hair growth, what new model of nails does she has, pictures with her braces and memes. And then an "how are you?" or starting to complain about something, what activities she had done. Basically, only and only her has reached out to me and I almost never. I want to mention that I was crying my eyes out from such pain she was causing me. And from all the bad things that happend to her and I couldn't help her from distance. She never had time for me, and when she was according me a few seconds, she talked about how amazing are her friends. Never said a good thing about how much I did for her. After almost one year and a half, we had the graduation ceremony and I really hoped that she changed and realized that I meant something for her since only her came first to talk to me, but not... She hugged me coldy, made fun of my makeup in front of everyone and turned her back to me without saying a word. She left for photos with her friends and ignored me as always. I saw her with the corner of my eye looking at me with the usual perverse gaze when she liked how I looked. I was completely devastated and I swore that I will never answer back to her messages anymore. But she came back, of course, as if nothing happend. And then I tried to forgive her and talk to her again, as a mature person. As usual, to cry at me and that's all. She stopped reaching out because it was only her who tried and I suffered in silence. Because of the lack of communication and strong ego between us and uncertainity. Are we still or not? I got to the point when I had major hair loss and weight loss even I was very skinny since forever. I was permanently extremely angry at everyone and everything and I couldn't control myself. Very high glucose for my age. Also, depression phases. I was too orgolious to message her and I stayed like that for a while after I found out from a friend of mine that Megan had covid and that was an opportunity to ask her how she was doing. So I had the strength to do it and then we talked as if it was yesterday. So I told her that I moved in that city, and if she wanted to visit me. She said that it was too far so we should meet in another place. After a few days when I was desperate to not find another excuses for not meeting me, we met and we went to a restaurant. She was dressed very elegantly. Again, even if she didn't eat, drunk at all or had chapped lips, from five to five minutes she put on her lipstick looking me in the eyes seductively. I told her that I wasn't feeling very well, but almost her was the one who was talking. I also told her that I was going to block her if she would have found another excuse for not meeting me and she got really scared. She said to me extremely intimate things about her mother. Even risky. I asked her if we will continue to talk or should we break up. She didn't say anything specifically but she seemed to still want me in her life. She then said three times "Next time when we see each other..." and to not eliminate her like that from my life. She also said that she considered that we were friends and got along very well and that she wouldn't live with me for a year and a few months if it was never something between us. And I said that she was ashamed with me but she said that I am allowed to believe what I want. So a week passed without us talking and she send me a message to show me how she cut her hair and her new glasses. I said that she was nice and I liked it. She again started to tell me things about her mother destroying her childhood, I gave her some advice and then she thanked, telling it was a very good one. Then she asked me what plans do I have for 2022 because the main one for her is to escape from her mother. I told her that I was thinking about us and I'm not going to erase her like I wanted many times, but I need to see some effort from her and that I still remained with unsaid things and wounds. A face to face meeting with her was in vain, so I thought to write her an essay from my perspective from when I met her until present. She knew that she was guilty for her actions, but every time she would say that she didn't realized that. She told me that was a good thing to do that and gave me as an advice to not treat people as friends if they do not have the same feeling for me. And that she was always ready to lose anyone. After a few days she send me an extremely aggressive message telling that I was telling people that is was her fault for my hair and weight loss. I said that to the friend that was telling me that Megan had covid, but not specifically because of her, but the things which contributed to that. And that she avoided me in public because I am too harsh and direct, imature, jealous and possessive and I don't know how to behave myself. And that she considered me only an apartment mate, not a friend as I considered her to be for me. That we didn't had anything in common outside the house. And that she didn't want my friends at all like I said. That she wished to not stay with me in the house even before the pandemic. Funny how her mother always praised me on how good for her daughter I was, a real miracle. And her mother also said that Megan said about me that I am the best thing that happend to her. Hurtful as hell because her friends were worse than me and she liked them. The she blocked me on whatsapp, on Facebook even we weren't friends in there, on instagram even we weren't followed each other. A week ago she said something, a week later she said completely the opposite. If she didn't like me at all like she said, why was only her the one that found excuses to talk to me for such a long time? If she didn't considered me her friend, why she told me such intimate facts about her and her family which she didn't tell anybody about? I tried to withdraw from her but she didn't let me. I feel very bad because there were things that she misunderstood. Since the beginning she didn't want to get to know me. People like me and I am a very diplomat person, but really direct and mean only with my friends, I cannot be fake. If she didn't like me at all, why would she be such affected at my words said as a form of joke? I always told her how much she meant to me. She probably got offended and didn't want to hear the truth. Because she said that she already has her problems and to keep my essay because she will not read my fictive dramas and to no put my health problems on her shoulders because these are not real problems in the world. I just wanted to be better between us and to end the lack of communication. I told her that was nothing to worry about because I didn't want an answer at all, just to get over the things that were eating me alive and move on. I know that was too late, but I never said a word because I thought that she would withdrawn from me even more. I was desperate from a little bit of affection from her because she had colosal claims from me. Now I am really really hurt and I do not know what to think about it. I want to believe that she said such things out of anger. I just want to get over but it's extremely hard to do it. This is only a tiny part of what happend between us. I am the one who is crazy? Thank you so much for your patience!
