straightforwardOwl3431 Member Profile

...See more Two years ago, I was in my freshman year. I was doing awful, and my guardians had just started mentioning therapy because I took a mental test for my school that revealed a few 'issues'. I was suicidal, in a very bad way. I had started vaping, doing weed, drinking, etc. I don't know how I'm still here because I had an addiction to attempting it seemed. I can only guess that around 20 times I attempted. My family never knew, my friends didn't know, and I was very silent about it all. I should mention that I have T1D(Type One Diabetes), which was my cheat to attempting; it was as easy as typing fake carbs into my pump to give me insulin so my blood sugar would drop and I would possibly pass out without anyone realizing for a few hours, but I never did. It was like my body refused just to lie down and slowly shut off. Once my family sent me to therapy(my sophomore year), I was medicated for depression, anxiety, and adhd, making me talk a lot more. I shared something with my therapist that became a problem for my family, I didn't want it to be.. I cried and cried, which led me to attempt in different ways, even with my new meds. What I had shared was about a family member of mine that was not doing anything family or anyone of that matter should do to an 8-14 year old girl. I was shamed for lying by my parents, and I became the person everyone referred to as "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". We don't talk about it anymore, though, and a very small portion of my family even knows. Some time goes by where I start working on myself and actually start doing well with my meds and all, a few issues with the now ex-boyfriend here and there with parents, but it didn't stop me from starting college and getting my first job my junior year(current). School started up, and I was doing great. I didn't think that anything would get in my way of finally getting good grades this year, until I wrecked my car. I love my car, so so much. She was my life, but in that same week, one of my friends of 7 years committed suicide. I had been his friend since 5th grade, and we even dated in 8th grade. We had ups and downs, but I have always considered him a really good friend, even a best friend 5th up to 9th. When he died, I knew it was because people at our school bullied him, and it wrecked me seeing those people who treated him like trash show up to his celebration of life. I supported all of the current 'best friends' and made sure that they were okay. I was struggling so. Hard. and I still am. Not one person that I REALLY, DEEPLY, cared about supported me in the way I did everyone else. I felt unrecognized by EVERYONE. Even my current best friends. They were 'more sad' than me and they didn't even know him. My at the time boyfriend was his best friend, I gave him everything I possibly could, checked up on him daily, and made sure that I didn't make him uncomfortable by trying to talk to him and asking how he's doing daily. I got nothing, and it makes me feel selfish for repeatedly saying it. But I really did not get any support from people that I needed it from, I got a few uncomfortable hugs and sorrys, but that's it. I don't really need help from anyone else; I want to find my way on my own this time. I have a pretty good record of messing up people who 'will listen' and will 'be there for me'. So my point of writing this is to pretty much let some steam off and tell people that even if it feels like people aren't there for you, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be there for them and others. I'm sorry it's so long and clustered :C

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