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sunlight1991
418 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts47 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceOctober 28, 2023
Bio

32 F Canada


Interests: weightlifting, hiking, biking, video games, fashion, documentaries, my cats


Struggles: body image, self esteem, depression, lovesickness

Recent forum posts
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Fitness diary - TW eating disorders, body image, calorie restriction
Healthy Living / by sunlight1991
Last post
 November 18th, 2023
...See more Hello. I was part of a really great women's fitness sub on reddit, but I recently deleted reddit because I was running into too much content that was damaging to my mental health. I do miss that fitness community a lot tho. I miss reading about everyone's accomplishments, struggles and just daily updates, fitness-related or not. But hoping I can find some of that here too. **** TW PLEASE NOTE- eating disorders, body image, calorie restriction **** I do keep a fitness journal at home, but it's mostly just numbers. I'd like to use this thread as more of a fitness "diary", to fill the void I'm missing on reddit lol. A bit about my background: I grew up with eating disorders from the age of 13, always wanting to be thinner and thinner. I was bulemic off and on for almost 10 years, with anorexia sprinkled in between. I was sedentary from my teenage years until I turned 30. I haven't been actively engaged in eating disorders since my early 20s, but a lot of the damaging and disordered tendencies still linger in my mind. I really struggle with body image and that has intensified greatly in the last few years. My body has changed since being a young adult, and slowly a really dark hatred for my body has crept in. That is how I started to become active. I used exercise as a way to punish myself, I pushed myself so hard with diet and exercise. I would have a mental breakdown every time I saw myself in the mirror, and I would restrict my food more and push myself harder working out. I'd cry because I was so out of shape and felt so weak, but I kept going because nothing could be more painful than how I felt seeing my own body. It was a very dark time, but I convinced myself that I was doing something good for my body. I convinced myself that eating 800 calories a day, and even going days without food, and working out till I collapsed was normal and I was doing good because I had "willpower". But something happened, after a few months of punishing myself into exercising consistently, I actually began to enjoy working out. I started to notice that I could do a little bit more than when I started, I could use heavier weights and my lungs wouldn't give out so fast. The tiny amount of pride I felt from getting a little bit stronger, was the most proud I'd felt in all my adult life. I started to believe maybe I could actually become strong. Maybe what I want instead of being thin, is to be strong and physically capable. I wanted to lift heavier weights, I wanted sick muscles to show the work I'd put in. For the first time ever, I wanted to eat MORE, so I could sustain higher activity levels and build muscle. So I ate more for several months and lifted heavier and got a little stronger. That was in the summer of 2022. Since then, I've stayed relatively consistent with exercise. I had a deep bout of depression last winter and didn't stay active for several months, but I came back to it after the new year. I built a home gym with a power rack and all the weights I could need. To date I have completed a program called Strong Curves, Caroline Girvan's Iron program twice, I've run GZCLP twice, and i am currently working through Caroline Girvan's Epic 1 program. I love lifting a lot, and when the weather is good in the spring and summer, I bike a lot because it makes me feel good and the cardio helps keep my anxiety at bay. But I still really struggle with my relationship with eating. While my goal is muscle and strength, I still have so much fear around eating more. I do not restrict to the same extent that I did at the beginning of my fitness journey, but over this past summer I was so scared of not looking "small enough" that I cut my calories again. After so much work trying to get comfortable with eating more to lift heavier, I became obsessed with trying to be thin and limiting my calories all over again. I ended up losing a lot of strength, and the tiny amount of muscle I'd put on started to diminish. I work hard and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, but because I'm scared to eat, I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I'm frustrated with myself, with my mind for being ill. I have goals that I want to achieve, but I keep holding myself back because "what if I don't look small enough". I want to escape this mentality so badly. This month I have been slowly adding more calories to my diet. I don't want to work this hard only to sabatoge my progress by not eating enough. I'm terrified but really pushing myself to eat more. I really want to be strong. I want to prove to myself that I can do things I once believed I could never do. More than anything I want to overcome the desire to starve myself everytime my mental health falters. I know what I have to do. I am praying for the courage to do it, and that I can begin to treat myself and my body with kindness. I would love to look muscular and fit, but more than that I want to see my body for what it can *do*, not just how it *looks*. Right now that feels like a pipedream. But all I can do now is try and keep going. *** Oct 30 Today is a rest day because I got home late due to monthly staff meeting. I knew about this so I did today's workout yesterday😁 since tomorrow is Halloween I will be busy handing out candy so I guess that will be a rest day too. Can't have them all unfortunately😩 looking forward to Wednesday to get back to it. I've spent so much time writing this post that it is now past my bedtime😖 however, I was having a bit of a rough day and typing all this out made me feel a bit better. I've wanted to talk about this part of my life for a long time. I'm going to sleep now🌹
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Rambling, unsure what I'm doing, scared to post this.
Newbie Hub / by sunlight1991
Last post
 October 31st, 2023
...See more Hello, I'm not really sure who this is directed to. I just joined and I'm very confused about this app. But I guess I just feel like I should I talk about my day. I struggle with severe body image issues, poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. My day started out really nice. It's been a really tough week, but today I got up in time to shower before work and do my hair, my skin has been pretty clear lately, and I've been really consistent getting back into weightlifting after kind of taking the summer off. I felt unusually almost comfortable with myself today. When I got home, my insecurities were triggered by something so small and it threw me into a pit of dispair so quickly. And I just lost it. Lately, every few days this happens, and it takes more days to climb back out of this pit, only to fall right back in. I feel exhausted. It's the tiniest things that will trigger me, but when it happens it feels like a mountain is coming down on me. I'm so tired of digging myself out of the rubble. So I just broke down, and ugly-sobbed, with really awful thoughts about myself flooding my head. I wanted to scream because I'm just so tired of it. I don't want to think these horrible things about myself that I've been thinking for years and years. I don't want to be drowning in these thoughts of self-hatred and worthlessness and I don't want to constantly be plagued with thoughts about my body, I just want to feel normal. I want to go one day, one hour without wondering if I look good enough, if people think I'm attractive or ugly, wondering what I even look like. I'm not religious but I cried to god for someone to just please help me. I can't take it anymore I feel like I am crumbling into dust. I forced myself to do my workout. I knew it would help and it did. I'm really glad I did. While I was working out, I remembered that someone mentioned 7cups on another site. So I looked it up and here I am. I finished my workout, showered and ate a big dinner. I am feeling a bit more stable now. I also feel too tired to entertain my negative thoughts right now. All in all, this is a pretty usual day for me. Feel ok for a bit, spiral into darkness, tire myself out mentally, emotionally and physically, go to bed. I've been off social media for a few years, I was just using one other site but I keep running into content that triggers me. So I'm going to delete it now, and I'll just have this app. I hope I can figure out how to use it. I hope it's ok to just let this out here. I don't know what I'm doing. Can someone please let me know if there is better place to post something like this. I don't understand what the communities are, or forums, or if this is appropriate to post, I don't really know how any of this works I am very confused :(
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