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suzanne1979
14,701 M Progress Road
PathStep 39 Compassion hearts198 Forum posts236 Forum upvotes225 Current upvotes225 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2023 Member sinceJuly 29, 2020
Bio

Where to start. . .I'm a mom to young children, I work too much, I love to read, learn new things and indulge in Asian dramas and sci-fi/fantasy. I also enjoy listening to great music. Just working on self and thought I'd join 7 cups for support on my journey.

Recent forum posts
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I'd like to be happy just once
Depression Support / by suzanne1979
Last post
 October 19th, 2020
...See more I'm having a pretty terrible day emotionally. I didn't get much sleep last night as what seemed like a bonding moment with my husband turned into a slap of reality in the face. He wants a marriage with no physical connection. Til death do us part for the next 30-40 years sans something that feels like an important part of marriage. It feels like a deal breaker for me. It's already been 11 months and I thought when he said we'd make our marriage work he really meant it. Then he put clauses on it. This morning was just a continuation of anger, frustration, hurt. At work I have two co-workers that are being extremely passive aggressive and difficult. This just adds fuel to the fire that is already consuming me emotionally and mentally. I feel alone. I feel unappreciated. Like a dog laying in the dirt and being continually kicked. I actually looked up the cost to move to Greece. Just some random place I picked. Never been there or even really thought about going. But, it would be an escape from this cycle of hurt I feel stuck in. Emotions aren't exactly my favorite thing. I have little use for them. This is why. When they take hold they hollow you. I can't control them, so I'm just sitting in my office behind a closed door crying. I just want to feel appreciated and loved for once. I want to feel like I am good at something. Never a pat on the head for a job well done, but plenty of fingers and harsh words when something as small as a strand of hair is out of place. I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm lost.
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Where are the rainbows and unicorns in my life?
Journals & Diaries / by suzanne1979
Last post
 August 6th, 2020
...See more I have a lot to unpack. Nothing too earth shattering, but definitely things that affect me negatively. I'll start small with what I find to be a minor issue, but still holding me back. I'm a bit compulsive. I have a need to check things over and over. I've tried to not do this and it sends my anxiety sky high. Things like replies to emails, locked doors, any potential safety hazard I think think of. I will refresh a page over and over and over waiting for a response to appear, even though I have my phone set to alert me to a response. I find I can't concentrate on anything else until I get a response. In my mind, I tell myself this behavior is crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I feel very distressed when I try. I'm also a very routine person and if that routine is messed up I get angry. I'm good at angry, but it's not fair to the people in my life or myself. I also don't have anyone close to really speak to about the things that bother me. If I have a bad day, I internalize it even though I know letting it out will relieve some of the negative energy I'm feeling. I will worry about really silly things and imagine the worst possible scenario. I don't trust others to do things safely and therefore I spend a lot of time worrying needlessly. I call this being proactive, but really it's a compulsion. I get irritated with my kids when they want to cuddle or play and I'm ready for them to be in bed. I'm very task oriented and I can't relax if there is cleaning that needs to be done or a task to be completed. I feel like it's taking over my life some days. I don't find joy in just being. I have to be busy all of the time, yet lately I feel myself becoming depressed and having zero motivation to actually do things that need to be done. And I'm lonely. My marriage is barely courteous, so that is a big contributor to my lonliness. I have no family near and the one real friend I have unloads her problems when we actually get to talk. I usually don't mind. I like being there for her, but at the same time it makes me feel so lonely that I have no one to unload to. My life is not bad. It just isn't great. I'm healthy. My kids are healthy. I'm not struggling financially. It just feels like I should be somewhere else doing something else, experiencing something else. And I feel guilty for that. So, that's the immediate not too detailed weight I'm carrying. Responses welcome.
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Husband has Fetish and it's affecting my marriage
Relationship Stress / by suzanne1979
Last post
 August 2nd, 2020
...See more Newbie here, but looking for honest feedback and hopefully some encouragement that things can work out. My spouse is extremely attracted to BBW and SBBW (definite fetish). I did not know this at the onset of our relationship 18 years ago. I was definitely not his ideal type physically. I was a college athlete at the time. Anyhow, we were best friends (or so I thought) and moved forward with a romantic relationship. I eventually found out about this fetish by accident and suddenly more things made sense to me. I did not know how deeply it affected him though and unfortunately did not realize that until after marriage. I'm a bit co-dependent and eventually started gaining wait. A little here, a little there. Over the past couple of years I've been depressed over it and the fact that I feel objectified. Ihate the way I look and feel. Everything revolves around my weight and appetite in this relationship. I hate it. I've lost sense of self. I started losing weight after my second child and he appeared supportive, but sad. When the weight started coming off he became hateful toward me. Then when that didn't work he turned inward and I was worried he'd hurt himself, so I stopped losing weight. Over the past six months, we just kind of co-exist to raise our kids with the occasional passive aggressive comment about me being unattractive to him. It's gotten to where I don't want to eat around him. He focuses on it. We have no physical relationship and haven't for almost a year now. There are days to weeks where he shuts off entirely and won't talk to me or acknowledge me. I feel manipulated. I really resent him most days. He makes things difficult for me and is incapable of seeing the situation from my POV. I'm just feeling hopeless, lonely, and not sure how to proceed. Is there a way to move forward?
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