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sympatheticOcean294
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2020 Member sinceOctober 7, 2016
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I really don't know where to start
Trauma Support / by sympatheticOcean294
Last post
 November 29th, 2016
...See more So much happened last year around this time. So many things happened to me and I'm remembering it all at once. I'm also thinking about how these feelings started and when I first felt these extreme feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. And I'm trying to figure out what started it all. How did I get here? How have I grown since everything happened? Where do I go from here? I don't even know. I really don't know. I'm going to be very general in this specific post, just general things that happened or that I think happened. Still, just seeing the words I mention could be triggering. If that's the case, then please, be careful. The last thing I want to do is bring back bad memories or anything. Anyways, there are somethings that I know clearly happened. I have no doubts in my mind that it happened. There was the abuse he put me through, the manipulation, the emotional abuse, the physical abuse, the words, the insults.. All of those things happened without any question. Other things that happened while this was going on was the stalking from kids I used to know and the constant abuse from the group. The group being a toxic friend group that I was in at the time. Then there was also the bullying I got from upperclassmen. It was never too severe, but that too, contributed. After we finally broke up, he told lies about me, and the group first began by bullying me, harrasing me and posting about me in their secret facebook group. Eventually, that faded into just ignoring me. And my ex at the time would play mind games with me. My anxiety got really bad at the time, so bad, I really couldn't go to school. I just couldn't bring myself to go. My grades dropped and I didn't have many friends. The anxiety made me feel pain. Then there are the things I'm unsure about. I think I was sexually assualted by him multiple times in our relationship, but the memories are too hazy and the details are odd. I can't say for sure what happened. I don't even know if it'd be defined as sexual assault. Maybe I consented? But it made me feel violated. I also think maybe I attempted suicide. I once found myself up by the bridge near my house. I was sitting on the edge. I wasn't really sure what I was doing there or how I got there. I wasn't asleep, just out of it, really out of it. And then there's other things too, but I don't want to go too into detail. I have gotten help for depression and anxiety. But I'm still so hazy on so many things. I feel like I did some bad things too. I really hope I didn't, but I really can't remember.
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