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Hi. I’m lf grounded Christian perspective bc I’m deeply confused and grieving.
<warning> long read ,, I want to explain the full context from my side.
I have an 8 year bond with a man. We first dated as teenagers
(I was 14 turning 15, he was 16)
The relationship ended when he disappeared rather than directly breaking up. A few months later he reached out during a drunk episode and told me it’d be impossible for us to be together. I eventually moved on.
About 4-5 years later (I was 20, he was 22) he reached out again. I was in a nearly 3 year relationship at that time so I respectfully declined reconciliation. He apologized for ghosting, explained his reasoning and quoted Malachi 2:16 in reference to regret. Eventually I ended that 2-3 year relationship due to incompatibility and because I realized I never fully processed my bond/breakup with him.
We did reconnect romantically for a short time (21 and 23, not officially dating). During that period he played a big role in bringing me closer to Christianity. He became much more serious about his faith after our teenage relationship, and I converted during reconnecting with him. But I realized I had trauma from the past 5 years and still needed healing.
I spent about two years largely in isolation/solitude working on myself since. From last October to now I experienced deaths in my family, financial instability, and ongoing family trauma. I would say I’m spiritually stagnant but still believing.
Recently he reached out again with the intention of moving toward serious commitment or marriage. (23 and 24-25)
He used very strong biblical and prophetic language like “you’re my rib, you’re part of my purpose, come to me and I will give you rest, no one comes to the Father except through me” and framed us as meant to be together and it was written. He offered for me to move in with his family. He said he would financially support me, pay for school, and help stabilize my trauma and healing.
But I felt extremely overwhelmed and pressured. I am currently not working yet (planning to pursue my bachelor’s soon) processing family trauma grieving recent deaths and rebuilding spiritual discipline. My hesitation was not lack of love. It was fear that entering unstable would create resentment for him, depending financially would create imbalance (like parent/child dynamic) and I would be committing from fear instead of readiness. My view on waiting comes from Luke 14:28 (counting the cost) Ecclesiastes 3:1–8 (seasons) Proverbs 24:27 (prepare your work) 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 (love is patient)
He asked 1. Do you want to be with me? 2. Do you believe in me 3. Do you love me? I answered honestly but imperfectly
*
Sometimes yes sometimes no (I was afraid to give certainty while unstable)
*
I believe in you as a person but not what you’re saying or the timeline
*
I immediately said yes
He called me a liar, I never loved him, I’m faithless, unwise in faith and life (I did ask if I was wise in faith) disobedient, double-minded, and implied the devil was working through me. He told me to depart from him he never knew me. He later blocked my number and on other accounts.
Before he blocked me I basically told him we were in different seasons and I couldn’t rush readiness. I said I appreciated how the relationship strengthened my faith and that my love was real and I trust God with the outcome.
After blocking me, he later re-engaged indirectly (through SoundCloud and messaging) in ways that felt a bit emotionally provocative almost as if trying to elicit a stronger reaction or declaration from me. In subsequent messages he expressed that he believes we can break patterns together, that we are in sync, and that he wants me. He admitted he intentionally applied pressure to “wake me up.” While part of me feels drawn and relieved when we reconnect another part of me feels discomfort the next day. That internal conflict is what I’m trying to understand.
He said:
“It was my intent to make you upset enough to speak ur heart 100 emoji
We will not repeat patterns we will be the ones to break them because we are in sync. I know your heart, you know mine i respect your mind as you do mine even if we butt heads often. That is not a bad thing there isn’t many that can tolerate my intensity that’s where you heavily discredit yourself.
Listen, it was wrong of me to pressure you in such a way when we spoke on the phone but if you were here for the recent events oh man you’d understand completely.
Let’s refresh now, that was me faith testing you but i got emotional because it’s you and you may understand but yes i fear you too. I fear losing the person i want to grow with im not gonna drag that.
There is no true pressure to come here or get married.
I wanted to give you a sense of urgency to wake you up because i know you felt like you needed to be something or someone before seeing me. I wanted to ENFORCE the feeling and fact that I don’t care who or what you think you are I know your heart and that is who i fell in love with, i ask nothing of you but to have faith that i also love you. It breaks my heart that you think I’d reject you”
I now am in contact with him but cautious. I told him I did not know how to feel.
Part of the reason I chose isolation these past two years was not only to heal from trauma in general, but also to step away from relationship entanglement altogether. I recognized patterns in myself being torn between attachments, struggling with unresolved bonds, and feeling pulled emotionally in multiple directions. I wanted to grow independently, stabilize my faith, and learn who I am before merging my life with anyone. My desire for space was not rejection of him or to the other ex, but an attempt at maturity and accountability in my own healing.
My questions:
1. Was it spiritually wise to want emotional, spiritual, and financial stability before committing, or was that avoidance rooted in fear?
2. Is my hesitation a sign of double-mindedness (James 1:8), or can someone genuinely love and still not feel ready?
3. Does 1 Corinthians 7:10–16 apply only to marriage, or can it be misapplied to dating relationships in a way that creates unnecessary spiritual pressure?
4. How do I discern between:
• conviction from the Holy Spirit
• trauma response
• attachment activation
• and simple emotional overwhelm?
5. If someone uses strong biblical language to frame urgency (“you’re my rib,” “come to me,” “this is written”), how should that be discerned in a healthy Christian framework?
6. Is remaining single for a season of healing spiritually immature, or can that be obedience and wisdom?
7. If reconciliation were ever possible, should it come from mutual peace and stability rather than emotional intensity? And if there is no peace, is that itself an answer?
Also some more context, we never married, never lived together, The relationship was long-distance and entirely online, he hasn’t dated anyone else since me, I dated someone else but still felt unresolved attachment to him, I think he is now becoming more serious about Orthodoxy, and I’m planning on attending church and seeking Christian counseling regardless
Not lf validation or condemnation just some clarity
