tkazzy79 Member Profile

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Disability Support / by tkazzy79

August 14th, 2023

...See more Hi everyone, Hope life is treating you well enough! It is actually my husband that has the disability. He got onto disability right around when covid hit, kind of lucky now that I think about it. Anyway, he ended up losing his job because of it, he was getting to the point to where he seriously couldn't work at all. It didn't take any effort at all for him to get onto disability because of his heart issues. I don't work, I have no income to help out at all. I wish I did, I could find work, I've been looking and there's just nothing at all that's biting. There's no work in the area that I live in, finding anything online /remote seems to be impossible with all the scammers out there. It's been really rough lately. I've started on a few projects so will see if something comes from them. With that said, we are barely making it with his disability chks. He tried to get onto foodstamps last year, yet all he could get out of it was a measily 50$ for some stupid reason. He is going to go and try again. But, it is the food prices that seriously kills us right now. This is the 2nd time we went to the store and didn't have enough funds to pay for the food. /sigh.. so embarrassing... I'm wondering what kind if help can we get to gain a little bit more financial support? I know that it will probly be impossible for me personally. However, with him being on disability, there's gotta be something out there that will help us out? How do people live on a barely survivable income that disability provides? It's insane how little he gets and barely make it through the month. I wish I couldl help out more, I don't know what to do anymore honestly. I feel so helpless and there's only so much he can do. We live in Washington, if that helps at all. Thank you for any advice.

Kazzy's Journey

Journals & Diaries / by tkazzy79

August 10th, 2023

...See more Hello to those that are interested. I've never been all great with journaling, I never have anything to say considering my days are all the same. But who knows, maybe this time it will help. I have nothing else to turn to, no one else to talk to, perhaps, this time will be different. Guess a bit about myself is a good place to start. I'm a loner, an only child, never had anyone I could call friend. Sure, I had 'friends' throughout my years, yet never had anyone close enough to trust with personal things. Let alone feelings. In fact, I was recently thinking about a few people I used to call friend. One was considered a best friend, we were pretty close. Yet, the more I thought about her, she really wasn't that great of a friend. Yes, she was always there for me, in some ways, in other ways.... not so much. I was bullied a lot in my childhood years. I don't know why, it always made me feel like something is wrong with me. I was nothing different, I had feelings, desires, wants and all the things kids need. Somehow, I was always singled out as an outcast. Perhaps it was because I'm a loner, they always say that bullies target the loners. Whatever the case, it taught me at a very young age to bottle up my emotions and trust people. I've always known when I was unwanted and knew my surroundings. Unfortunately, even though I was aware of this, I still allowed others to treat me poorly. Some people I didn't realize it right away, others made it obvious. I don't know why people have always treated me differently, I was never included in anything when they would go out somewhere. I was constantly left behind, no matter who I was with, I'm the one that got left behind with some lame excuse. I've always been alone and most of the time, I don't mind. I love being alone, being able to do what I want, how I want, when I want... Being alone is my thing. I know when I'm old, I will be alone, will most likely die alone somewhere. I accept that, it doesn't bother me at all. With that said.... recently.... I actually feel alone. The first time in my life when I need someone to cry to, to actually see me for who I am. To see the pain my soul is showing behind the fake smiles... I've never actually felt lonely like I do now. Even my husband makes me feel alone anymore, it's difficult to talk to him over sensitive topics. So much has happened in the last few years that he isn't the same person anymore. Even he has treated me poorly at one point, like everyone else in my life. I seriously have no one I can trust. I do love my husband and we are working things out... well, I'm working things out. He acts like nothing is different, other than my coldness.. That's a whole story in itself and I've posted about it. Unfortunately, I still don't know what to do. Everything is up to me anymore, it's like he doesn't have an opinion in anything. I have to find things for us to do, which is nearly impossible for many reasons. He doesn't try anymore, with anything. Depression and health issues have hit us both extremely hard. For awhile there, his health was touch and go. I know that has a lot to do with the change in his attitude, sadly, it fed into my depression. Now, I've completely shut down, no motivation to do anything. I'm trying, I really am. Even pulled out some old projects and trying to work on them again. Now that his health is better, we have been trying to get out more, get both our strength back. I've gained so much weight over the alst few years that I don't know this body anymore. I can't seem to do anything, which well... gets me more depressed and seriously p'oed' with myself for allowing the weight gain to happen in the first place. I know it is depression weight, but still.. it should have been something to keep in check and not allow to get out of control. Anyway, this is long enough I think, a good start I hope... I should stop here, though I do have so much more to talk about. Hugs and Love..

Passion is lost...

Relationship Stress / by tkazzy79

August 8th, 2023

...See more Not sure what topic this would be.... Also, not sure where to begin either.... There's just so much to explain and lots of back story that it almost seems impossible to find the start... Here it goes, I will do my best to not stray too much. I've never had any good relationships. They all used me in some fashion or another. None of them treated me like I was their girl, none of them put me first, none of them tried to really get to know me. It was all sweet talk, sex, then we move on. I will admit, I was very careless in my younger years, it's a real mystery of how I'm still here honestly. At the same time, I was always searching for that 'one' that will actually love me. Moving foward to 20 yrs ago with my ex. I knew he wasn't the one, in fact I used him to get here. At the same, I did have some hope after getting to know him better. The first 2 yrs were fun, almost perfect, we did things together... after that.. it just stopped. I stayed with him for 7yrs and I have no idea why. I tried to make it work, I really did... then he kept ignoring me, at one point started to use me as his excuse for not doing things... like buying a motorcycle.. With that, I started to search again, I started to stray away from him. That's where my husband comes into play. We met online, it was a rocky start into the relationship. Mainly because of me. I was scared of how he made me feel, I've been down that road so many times that I was blocking as to not get hurt again. Yet, that's all I was doing, hurting him and myself. Eventually, I found a way out and moved in with him. It was something I've always wanted, someone that actually treated me like I was his. Made me feel loved, as if I belonged, I was his and he was mine. I can't say it was perfect, because nothing is perfect... However, it was far better than anything I've ever had before. The biggest issue within our relationship is the fact that we wanted to bring in a third girl. I was always hesitant about it mainly because I don't get along with other females. I'm not girly girly at all, I don't go out to salons to get my hair and nails done, I don't wear fancy clothes.. I'm a barefoot, get my hands dirty and running wild in the forest kind of girl. None the less, I will admit, I was curious and if we did manage to find a match... great, fantastic.... First female was a joke... 2nd female I have no clue why he wanted... 3rd female wasn't interested in the poly relationship, so I didn't try. We did make an arrangements though, which I made the mistake of agreeing to... That's where he changed. His whole attitude changed. I don't even know why or how.. It's not like they did anything serious, the arrangement didn't last long at all.. Nothing extreme happened... yet... it changed him... That's when the emotions started to hit me. Then.... comes along the last female.... This is the one that ended me emotionally. I had no idea about this one, he met her at work, in a sense, she was helping with a project for a place to live type arrangement with his dad. He never mentioned anything at all about meeting a new female. They got to talking, in a sense created a relationship... then he finally told me about her. When we went on our first date, I found out they had been talking for a month... a whole month... Ok, fine, whatever, that was the first bite, I got over it, sorta... kind of... not really... I noticed on that first date how distant she kept herself. She didn't stay with us, didn't have any real conversations. I don't know what was up with this one. Apparently with him, she was a talkative person. Moving forward a bit, we did hang out more, me and her were chatting on f'book. She had all this pillow talk and blah blah.. yet her actions... yea, whatever, she would pull away from at every chance she got. One point my husband ended up in the hospital for a week. I tried to get her to come over during that week, that whole one on one time getting know each other without him type deal... Guess what... no surprise that she found an excuse to not come over. When he gets out of the hospital.. bam.. she comes over without question. All these females just wanted him, not a single one was interested in me at all. Ok, fine, whatever, I get it. I wasn't all that interested in them either. Especially this last one... even tho I did try my hardest to get to know her. That's where the blame comes in, it came down to I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't doing things with these females, I was being pushed into a corner. It was all about them, no one at all, including my husband, didn't care about how I felt. No matter what I said, it always came down to the female in question... I wasn't first and well, I was supposed to be... Me and the husband did have boundaries when searching for these females. We did have rules for each other... and he broke every single one of those rules... I allowed it cause I didn't want to fight and I got tired of being blamed... My birthday comes around... I had a plan for a little mini party with the three of us. I figured if me and her get drunk having fun, it might help break the tension between us. What a fail that was... this is the day that I completely shut down and no longer care about anything that happens. Granted, nothing serious happened that day.. nothing sexual anyway... however, both of them comepletely ignored me. for the entire day, and through out the night. Those two were lovy dovy, holding hands, petting, him kissing her forhead and stupid crap like that. I had to sit and watch the whole thing, for an entire day. She kept pulling away from me when I tried to hold her hand, it was like he couldn't touch me for whatever reason. It obviously ended that day and I haven't been the same sense. Husband and I have talked, things are good now, as far as all that goes. He know how bad he hurt me and the way he treated me. We have been together for 20yrs now and I want to be happy with him again. However, this is where the real issue comes into play now... The passion between us is dead. We both have been having health issues, for him, things are getting much better thankfully and well, it is causing him to be a bit more 'perkier' again. As for me, I'm dealing with menopause drama, so it is a bit harsh for me to have fun. Even then, with all that, it is almost like he has forgotten how to pleasure me. It's like he is afraid to touch me, or when he does, it is all for him. He doesn't touch me to pleasure me, it is only what he wants to get out of it. At this point, I'm pretty much just a toy for his needs... He doesn't even kiss me anymore. I want that passion we used to have back.... I want him back... More importantly.... I want me back... I know a lot of our passion issue is me being cold towards his touch now. I can't seem to enjoy it anymore, then again, I know he's not doing for me either, which doesn't help... I know this was long and drawn out.. I apologize for that... I tried to keep simple, yet... it was impossible... I don't know what to do anymore though. I miss him and I know he misses me... We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, been together for 20yrs.. yet, it's like we are complete strangers. It is hurting us both...

numb and lost

7 Cups Online Therapy / by tkazzy79

August 7th, 2023

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