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toughThinker30
6,862 M Moving Along 5
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceNovember 29, 2014
Bio

I like hiking and playing guitar. I'm very interested in the way that culture and environment shape us.

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Everything is wrong right now
Depression Support / by toughThinker30
Last post
 February 18th, 2021
...See more It's Christmas and I have never been more down in my life. I have had several "breakdowns" in the past few days where I have literally screamed at people because I am apparently completely done trying to be a reasonable person and I am so tired of life being so difficult. Today, my dad was the victim. I then told my mom that I don't want to live anymore. I feel so terrible that I am hurting the people I love. I have been depressed for 21 years (since I was 7). In the last 14 months, I have lost my dog, my grandmother, my job, got deathly ill and was in hospital, on my deathbed my regret was that I wasn't going to get to marry my partner and have children with him, recovered! only to have him start flirting with other women more aggressively right in front of me, lost another two jobs, then broke up with my partner because he still wouldn't commit to me even after living with him for almost 2 years and spending my entire savings to follow him to his country where I had to work undocumented (he was "afraid" because of my depression- fair enough, even though it was pretty well dormant until the whole talking about sleeping with other people thing), got back to my country and found out that I have pre-cancerous growths on my cervix and then had a biopsy and they are now talking about removing part of it, decreasing my chances of getting pregnant in the future and also carrying a pregnancy to full term. I found out about the illness only a week after I broke up with him, so I called him and he said he wanted to come "be there for me", saying "it's stupid that it takes something like this to make me realize". I told him that was great that he was coming here, then I realized that he was only coming for a few days and then still leaving on his planned trip to Costa Rica for 3 months and then back to his country... he was going to come here and hang out for a few days and then just walk away. I asked him if he had thought about how that would make me feel. He said it was impossible to think about how others will feel. He also said he doesn't remember saying that he "realized". I told him not to bother coming. This is excruciating.  Things are just the worst right now. I don't even know how anyone can help but I am so desperate to have relief. I just can't keep living like this. I know I should be holding on to my "good moments" and "thinking positive", especially to get better from this new illness, but I honestly cannot come up with a will to live. Not even with my spiritual readings and practices and seeing two counselors am I able to be ok. It is just so incredibly hard to make it through a day.
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