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toughTiger6481
92 44,785 M Crossing Mileposts 5
PathStep 267 Compassion hearts7,885 Forum posts7,644 Forum upvotes7,359 Current upvotes7,359 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceJune 11, 2018
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partners of alcoholics
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 April 24th
...See more As a partner of an alcoholic I quit too when they had to get sober. it has been years since I drank at home or around my partner.   I was not a big drinker anyway a glass of wine on occasion etc. Often when partner was not around.  recently I bought a wine spritzer when stressed and enjoyed the relaxing evening of one drink. A co-worker who also had an alcoholic spouse said why can't you just have one drink at home. their spouse who was in recovery told them to go ahead and have an occasional drink if they liked.           I bought another spritzer but found myself hiding container from my partner and had in secret. I thought I was sparing awkward feelings with partner, but co-worker asked if I hid it how is that any different than what alcoholic was doing when they were drinking.   I feel big difference not drinking to pass out or drive like partner had done a long time ago.  I do not feel I need permission, but I also do not trust having anything around partner. Partner does not seem to want to talk about their past issues.   if someone had gotten sober, how would you feel if partner wanted a drink or if you found they hid from you that they had a drink? 
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woke up weird.
General Support / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 November 10th, 2025
...See more I have been having strange dreams that have places mixed up in my life. For example different houses of friends etc.  I am in one room of my childhood home walk to next room it is a different home my friend once lived in when they were married a few years ago. and so on to each room i traveled.  all the people are from different times in life/ career and I spent 20 minutes literally trying to remember a person's name after I woke up. then I tried to remember if when she left a job, we both worked at we said we would keep in touch but never did...  i wonder why and all the things i let drop off am sort of anxious and not wanting to start the day. 
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(vent) who is this person sitting next to me?
Relationship Stress / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 July 21st, 2025
...See more Hello all, I was gone a bit over a week on a long visit to our son who lives in another country.   I did not take my laptop and devoted to be present in the time away.   From the start spouse made everything to be as hard or miserable as they could ...   complained about costs in travel.  Son paid for airline tickets so we should and could pick up costs like sightseeing and lunch or dinner.....I paid...... he got even more mad saying he should have paid then why didn't he?  WHY?  WHY? WHY?  What did they gain from this?  making what should have been a great trip miserable.  Son made arrangements and yet spouse blamed me for time of flight seats etc etc.   Son knew his dad  needed extra leg room so we had exit seat that were near a rest room on plane he complained about people standing there waiting for restroom.... again somehow my fault people had to use facilities I live in fear of going to work and them asking how was trip was?  I might explode because spouse made me hate the entire trip.  I look angry and upset in every photo because they wanted me to stage funny things I did NOT find amusing and did not want any part of.   He pretended to love everything made nonsensical answers to waitstaff as he could not understand the accents.  He was disappointed in his "order" because i quit having to explain to him he would not like what he was ordering  or how nodding to staff made them believe he  understood what they were offering.    How many times could I explain what was in the items he was ordering.? ...  it is like a toddler I was hoping to not have to listen to him complain at night how he was hungry cause his meal was not to his liking.  I did not want to be agitated  the whole trip and suggested next time i will come alone.   He takes offence to me saying this but He simply refuses to see himself. I cannot recognize this person sitting next to me!    He met someone who literally has the same first name as him and he asked me half an hour after meeting him "what was his name? "    I choked down my screams of "how can you be so rude and self centered to not remember names or what a certain ingredient was that several people explained over and over?"     He was looking around oblivious when a person directing people in airport told him to go to a line. i touched his arm to nudge him and he screamed about "why are you poking me"   thankfully airport staff said " wife nudged you because you are NOT paying attention, SO MOVE now sir"       Our son cooked several dishes at  his home spouse ate it all complimented son several times... on way home i was looking up recipe and he said "it was gross we are never eating that again. I now am asking myself ..Why did he  lie and praise son if fake?      He wanted me to find a nice gift for neighbor that watered a few plants while we were gone.  He wanted to critique my choice of gift even though i felt it was unnecessary.  He cares MORE about what others think of him...... but does not SEE how he looks like a jerk/ liar/ phony/ and overall a self centered punk to his WIFE.....  Who the heck is this person sitting by me? 
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when you are Feeling invisible and unheard
General Support / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 July 20th, 2025
...See more I have had this happening more and more .... I talk to someone they seem oblivious and then turn around and say verbatim what I just said to them.   Partner was talking about a small city and they asked for general idea of where a city was located i told them western side of state halfway between two larger cities.   They then looked it up online and read out loud to me "it is located halfway between these two cities.".. exactly what I had told them  No, "you were right" or acknowledgement but acted as if they were providing me with information i wanted.   I have been polite ...but the urge is strong to yell in their face " exactly like I said" "you are welcome " I asked a couple of times why they did this or chose not to listen.  They  often claim the did not hear me ...but they hear me if they want to. This seems trivial to start a fight over but i am DONE interacting with them hard to do when they live with you.    if anyone has had experience in dealing with this......... sharing any way to either let it go or deal with the disrespect may help.
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selective hearing
Relationship Stress / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 January 2nd, 2025
...See more I am trying to find effective ways to deal with anger towards my partner.  We OFTEN have discussions and I tell them information they asked about  and they act as if they listened or nod head ... Then we visited family over holiday. partner asked them about same discussion .. Family member said the EXACT same thing i told partner. MY partner then tells me like this is brand new information when the person said verbatim what  I had previously said.  I know it is a small thing i should not let bother me but when it happens on a weekly basis looking up things and telling me the same thing i just told them i began to question their hearing my volume in speaking. Not that reword my response still ignored... text them they claim they never saw it i have read receipts.      it has to be on purpose i have spoken about it but like most other things it is ignored.  we have some other issues but i often feel those are intensified by the refusal to listen.  We started the day fine and then they told me something  i had told them two days ago ..... they look at me like i should congratulate them on finding this information.... i walked off furious the whole day will be tainted by the anger and resentment. 
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suggestions for better results
Content Volunteer Team / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 November 11th, 2024
...See more As a member i feel for those whom post on forums and not get the response or answers in a timely manner. Maybe i missed it but as a member on other forums there was hints for posting such as breaking up huge paragraphs which are hard to read and then often get less or few responses.  some post  maybe be better to label as a vent - advice needed- questions.  so many with either Too long title or too simple example ... "relationship"  "need friend "  or one word titles in general. Not sure if some did not read how site works but so many new people  seem to think members can   message etc.  I feel some people might have been or are discouraged when few answered or responded .... if that happens many move on to other sites. 
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disrespect or miscommunication.
50 & Over Community / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 November 5th, 2024
...See more I am sitting here seething my BP is up and i want to vent.  Every time i speak to spouse he literally does not hear me at all or does a head nod just to pretend he heard.   Then moments later he wakes up from his fog and repeats what i just said like it was NEW information. An empty restaurant store front near us last Thursday had new signs put up to show what will take that space ... I asked him did you see the signs ..."new place opening soon at where X restaurant used to be but I have never heard of new name....' he says "yeah yeah"  head nods etc..... TODAY,  Sunday he runs into house after being out and says DID you see new signs up on that empty storefront.....  i just stared at him and said "why yes when i asked you last Thursday "  and he said "OH yeah i thought you meant something else." ...think this is covering as he never tells me what he thought i said. Am i wrong for being mad that he does this sort of thing a lot? ......  he is often pretending conversation was to something not even related.........Now wants a conversation about the place opening.... i walked away. I have explained how disrespectful this is or seems since UNLESS he notices it just did not happen.       
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does this happen to other people?
Relationship Stress / by toughTiger6481
Last post
 August 24th, 2024
...See more    So my spouse has an issue that has just grown and grown and i cannot take it much more.... Example: he asked me to find out what someone may want or like for a b-day... they told me i shared with him and he starts online shopping ............that goes from looking at the item they wanted...... to always trying  to one up something...   He starts showing me things he determines are " better" then the one thing the person said they would like... he picks colors he likes not what the person would want ... His way is always Better in his mind.  He does this with restaurants or anything else USUALLY the item he things are "better " are not and often are garbage/junk.... he apologizes but refuses to learn to NOT keep doing it.... everything i buy he thinks he could have found a better deal or something yet he procrastinates and wants me to swoop in and fix it then complains that he could have done better ...... I am done .... i do not want him to buy anything anymore........ he does not read packages he gets the wrong thing .... 90% of the time.   Any suggestions on how to have him quit this .... telling it to his face with examples of how many time this went WRONG has not phased him..... telling him i refuse any crap he buys online etc .....has not stopped this.
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