turquoiseBranch13 Member Profile

...See more So a bit of backstory first. I started seeing this guy not too long after I broke up with my ex, I don't know if I was looking for comfort or stability, or that there were still good things in the world, or what I was doing. But my ex, forced himself on me after we had had consensual relations, and everything before that time had been consensual, but it really tore me up. So I broke up with him, and found a relationship in one of my friends. We'd dated from April to August of 2015, and he went off to college, and me being an immature 17 year old at that time, broke up with him because I was so afraid that he'd find someone else, or someone better, and I cried about it for days because I didn't really want to break up with him, but I felt that that was the only decision I could make, because at the time, my parents wouldn't let me drive to see him because they claimed it was too far, so the only time I'd get to see him was when he would come home on weekends, or if his family invited me to go with them when they went up to visit him. Gradually over the next few months, we started talking again, just as friends, and I invited him to my senior prom. We ended up having a lot of fun together, and ended up back together later that night, when he said that he never stopped loving me, and wanted to try it again, and that he wasn't going to lose me again. We saw each other up until September of 2016, I was starting to take midterms, and was stressed out, I felt like he wasn't putting any effort into our relationship anymore, it was always me driving to see him, he complained about my major (Equine Science) claiming that there wasn't any money in the industry, and his friends thought that "What's he doing seeing her?" when I showed up to visit in my dirty jeans and boots, His mom even complained about what I wore, but that particular circumstance was when she called me while I was out clipping my horses, to let me know that my best friend's grandmother had passed away. So naturally, I left home right away to go see her, and I had muddy boots and jeans on because I didn't want to take the time to change. I crave adventures, even if it's just driving around, having no particular destination, whenever I would go visit him, we would always just sit in his dorm room while he played video games. I understood that it was a hobby, but it really got boring when I had no interest in it, and sat around my own dorm room the entire week. Another thing he always brought up was his need to look professional for his job, going so far as to hang up his jeans and use a hair dryer, and that really irked me, because I felt as if my job/major was lesser than his. He claimed that it wasn't that, but I felt like that was it, because he's an Athletic Training major, and has to wear polos and khakis, wheras I wear boots and jeans to a barn every day. But we both agreed that we needed a break, and I don't doubt that I loved him, and still love him, back in December, but here I am, three months later, and it still bothers me. I miss him a lot of the time, but tell myself I don't need that negativity in my life, but in the back of my mind, I miss him and still love him. I just don't know how to feel and react to it anymore, it's almost a numb feeling anymore, and only comes up when I see something that reminds me of him, or I hear a particular song on the radio and I'm reduced to tears, or late at night when I can't sleep, my mind always wanders to him, thinking he'd change, but people really don't. So sometimes I miss him, but other times I tell myself I deserve better, it's a complicated issue, and I don't know what to think anymore.

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