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let me write my whole backstory
i honestly don't want to burden anyone with this. i'm a very reserved person.
but after so many years, i really want to talk all of this with someone.. i'm sorry as this is too long... if you don't want to read all of this, it's okay. but if you do read this, please help me by giving some clarity.
FIRST of all, the below storyline is a total timeline of 5 years.
so i was a very shy and reserved boy. i was in my +2 when i met a girl, let's call her A. we immediately became good friends and we were best friends for over a year. she used to like/had a crush on a boy named B. she had told me this initially, within a month of our friendship, i was cool about it as i was just a friend. they were in kinda complicated relationship i believe, but they had broke up in between (around 4-5 months of our friendship). so yeah, we continued as friends and got very close with each other (nobody has confessed yet). and one fine day, i get to know that she's still in relationship with B (i got to know that through her friends and i didn't quite understand why she didn't tell me eventhough i was her top 1 best friend out there)
i kinda figured it out NOW that it was because of one of these
1. she "probably" had feelings for me and if she told me about the relationship, she would probably lose the chance with me
2. i was maybe a spare tyre, if relationship with B didn't work out, i'd be there for her emotional baggage (idk if this is a possibility because i can't think of her this way, she was a good girl)
okay, so that goes on.. in short, she gets to know i'm kinda jealous that she likes him. it was kinda evident but i never wished for them to breakup, instead i asked her to cut the friendship with me. but later (i'm writing this short, avoiding a lot of small small details)... we both confessed to each other (it was feeling so wrong because she was in relationship with B). we started getting a lot more closer (basically cheated on B and defended when found out). they broke up eventually.
we were in relationship for some months and i broke up with her (i couldn't bare the immaturity, every fight was being blamed upon me, every night i used to go sleep after a lot of crying, after every fight i'm the one who convinces her).
some months have passed and i find out she got into relationship with other dude named C (yeah okay, i don't mind, but i hadn't moved on from her, eventhough all of those immaturity, i was having a really good time with her). they were in relationship for 2+ years ***. i had talked to her and met her in between of their relationship and she had confessed that she hasn't moved on (basically hinting that her relationship with C was rebound relationship). we got into the relationship again (still when she was dating C - basically cheating on him). when one day i gathered myself and told her this can't go long, you can't love 2 people at once, you need to choose one (replies were all confused crying - long story short, she chose him. i felt like a spare tyre, a second option).. he broke up with her after some months (because of some other reasons).
okay, then (maybe after few weeks of breakup idk), she starts dating her best friend named D. it lasted for maybe 10-15 days (idk if that was rebound relationship too). later she contacts me and tells me about her breakup (she doesn't tell me about D). we start getting closer again and started dating (this became a very serious and lovely relationship than ever before - as both were emotionally very mature). we dated for some months, i get to know about D and i start having a lot of confusions as i am having right now. my confusions were like
* she cheated on B for me
* she cheated on C for me
* she didn't like dating D
does that mean she loves ONLY me TRULY (or) she will cheat on me someday just like she cheated on B and C?
okay so these confusions i just shoved them away thinking they're my overthinking (these confusions have come back now).
so after we dated for months, my orthodox family got to know about it. we both belong to 2 different religion. (long story short - i either get to choose to live with A and leave my parents (OR) i leave A and have my parents.). after lot of fights and convincing, i had to breakup with A and live with parents.
okay in few months, she started dating D again. 7 months pass by since our breakup and i wasn't able to move on at all, i still loved her a lot. she was my first thought when i wake up and last thought while sleeping, used to look at her pictures every single day. so, on a random day i get a long text from A that she's having some problems. we talked on call and you know, got close again. we knew we are impossible to be together but yeah. but i basically found out after few days that she had moved on and she contacted me just to be an emotional support. this broke me, and then she revealed about dating D few months back (after we broke up and it didn't work out well). i felt even more bad, as in, how can she even move on that easily and start dating someone else.
okay now, after she revealed all of this i had a lot of confusions, this is how the convo went.
me: most of the time, do you ask for it or you get it
A: Both.. Sometimes I get ... sometimes I ask for it
me: do you need love and attention from specific people or anyone that could provide a level of love and attention which would match your expectations
A: Only certain people
me: imagine a time, where you don't get that love and attention from that set of certain people. would you give a chance to someone new in your life who can give the same love and attention?
A: No. I'll keep expecting from tht person itself
me: why did you feel a need to go to them then? (i'm implying C and D)
A: Bez i k them. I crave for love and affection from the people i feel same. I don't crave it from my dad, my brother or my girl frds. There are only few people in my life. Whom I feel safe and let all my childish self out. It surely doesn't mean tht I will go with Anyone who will give me love. Only bez i want it.
eventhough i asked all of these, i still had a lot of questions about her, myself and our complicated relationship story. i don't want to ask her more because she is literally accused me of judging her character after i asked these questions, implying that i asked these by judging her character. so i don't wanna ask again, instead i want to ask you all strangers here so that my head gets cleared.
1. there are so many instances in above story where she is able to date someone else (but still say that she hasn't moved on from me). this makes me doubt, if she hasn't moved on, how could she even date someone else?
2. does she really love me or any of the B, C, D or she just relies upon us as a punching bag? just a source of love and attention? this is my prime question because in the above story u can notice that she jumps from one person to another as soon as one person breaks. why is it so, when i couldn't move on from her in these 5 years and could never date anyone else (because she always occupied my mind). how is that i'm so bound to her but she could move on to other people and come back to me.
3. i feel like, if we just stop contacting now, i'm 100% sure she will start leaning towards D or find someone else. am i wrong in thinking this? i really feel this. they're still best friends (how can you be in contact with your ex, without having any feelings? honestly baffles me)
4. were me and D, just her backups? spare tyres? because when she was dating B, she didn't tell me about him (maybe because if she did, she would probably lose the chance with me). and when i was dating her, she didn't let D know about it and was still best friends with him (maybe because she would lose a chance with D, maybe her plan was to use him as backup if relationship with me fails)
i've never asked these questions to myself, infact they never occured to me because our relationship was going really good when we were together, it almost felt like the PERFECT relationship ever. but i now feel like i overlooked a lot of things, i should've shared it with someone else to get their perspective of her. i bottled up everything and never told anyone in my life about all of this, so i never got an outside perspective about her or our complicated relationship. i just want to have answers for above 4 questions which will decide if i was just overthinking about a perfect dear girl or was i so blind in love that i forgot to notice her red flags?
p.s. sorry for any grammatical mistakes, english isn't my first language.
