utk123 Member Profile

...See more Exactly a week ago, I finally woke up and realized why I had been a different person since the night of October 18, 2014. I always knew that night had changed me somehow. I had lost my peace and my mind has since been in complete agony and distraught. Since that night, I was relentlessly in need for closure and answers for him. Soon, I would embark on a tireless journey of trying to make sense of things and I'd always thought he had the answers. That journey resulted into further humiliation, loss of self-respect and destructive behavior. Nothing good had come out of it and I was left with more questions than answers. About 3 years after that 'fateful' night, I looked inward and realized I always had the answer myself. He had sexually assaulted me that night. That experience was rife with humiliation and degradation. He had reduced my worth to nothing. We had known each other for a while. We had been intimate before once. And this time he wanted things to escalate, except I wasn't ready. I verbally had made it clear to him where I drew my boundaries, but he wouldn't listen. I'd told him explicitly why I didn't want sex that night but he kept getting aggressive. Meanwhile, just to add more to the humiliation, his roommates in the living room were rooting for him and one even yelled to take my virginity (I wasn't one). He even poked me through my underwear and I had to push away, reminding him of my boundaries. Luckily, I had been able to resist him the whole time and didn't give in. Don't remember how long I had been in his room, but I had managed to get out of there, successfully evading any penetration. Except, while walking out of there, my mind had already been in a state of shock... Now that I have clarity on why I had been traumautized, shouldn't I gradually be getting better? Except I've been on edge & somewhat nauseous and, for the first time ever, I was close to puking last night. I keep having thoughts in my head whether I am over-reacting and why I can't just get over it. I wasn't raped technically but I can't figure out if I was close to being raped. In fact, I have experienced varying degrees of sexual harrassment including groping by strange men; but none of those experiences haunt me like this one. Why can't I just move on?

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

🌈 Lisa Meighan is a psychotherapist registered with the British...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio